I know i wrote more than 500 words, but i dont know how to make it shorter, and what to take out, i just need criticism.
Your essay should be no longer than 500 words.
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
Throughout my whole life, my parents have been a huge part of my life. I believe that they have driven me through many meaningful events that reflect the person who I am today. I am a person who has gained strength after learning from consequential life experiences, and as a result, I grew into a Vires character.
After immigrating to Florida from Venezuela in 2003 because of the corrupt government, I began a sudden, drastic change in culture. Immediately I began school in a completely foreign land, I had to learn the language and get used to the new school system. It was nearly impossible to fit in and make new friends with people I could not even communicate with. The change was not easy to get used to, and I often got home and cried because of the fear of never adapting to what had become my new life. But my parents pushed me into being strong by telling me not to let everything we had already sacrificed back in Venezuela (family, friends, businesses, etc.) go to waste, and to be strong for my little brother who was going through the same pain. From then on, I set myself goals to be strong for my family and myself, I was determined to adapt to the new way of life, and accept it, I could no longer live in the past. After a few years, I had accomplished my goals, I had adapted to the culture, I was fitting in socially, accepted my new way of life and let go of my past life in Venezuela. Right away I set myself new goals like excelling academically, helping my parents learn English, and helping people that were going through the same problem I went through when I migrated. Just when I had my life together, my father gave my brothers and I the devastating news that my Mother had cancer. A sharp, painful feeling struck me, I was in denial, I could not imagine my life without the guidance and love of my mother. But I was pulled back to reality when I looked at my father and older brother's face in tears, the people who I looked up to for strength and support, the ones who I would never expect to cry or look weak. My father told us that we had to be strong for our mother and always have a positive attitude around her, a task that seemed impossible for me, even at her absence. I had no idea I was about to embark to my toughest two years of my life yet. My father was working two minimal wage jobs, day and night, to pay for my mother's medical expenses, and for the rest of the bills. We were using most of our life savings to survive. Then I realized that my father would be the next to get sick if he kept working like an animal and not resting enough. As a result I started to save money by cutting expenses in the house, and making money myself by washing cars, mowing lawns, etc. I was dedicated to be strong for my mother, make her happy by doing well in school, and helping my father economically. After my mother successfully finished her chemo treatment, I realized I had become a person who was as strong as my own father.
I had no idea that I had the physical strength to work every day to help my family economically, the moral to be dedicated to accomplish my goals, or the intellectuality of keeping my grades up while going through the most demanding phase of my life. Vires is one of my most evident qualities of my life. As these strengths have helped me achieve my goals and be successful in my most strenuous phases of my life, I know they will help me do the same while I attend Florida State university.
First, Thx for commenting on my essay:)
Great essay and well planned out.
But the second paragraph seems to have many topics bunched up together. so, maybe try to make it two paragraphs without changing the story around. My thought would be here
"Right away I set myself new goals like excelling academically, helping my parents learn English, and helping people that were going through the same problem I went through when I migrated. (Maybe separate these two sentences ) Just when I had my life together, my father gave my brothers and I the devastating news that my Mother had cancer" (Just my thoughts)
As a reader i think this is a great essay with a lot personal experiences incorporated into it.
Good job and GOOD LUCK WITH COLLEGES!!!!
Scratch that weak first sentence and start with this:
I believe that my parents have driven me through many meaningful events that reflect the person who I am today. I am a ...
That is a god way to start, I think. I think you could also add another sentence to the end of that first paragraph -- something thoughtful about your interpretation of Vires and the kind of Vires reflected in this essay.
That giant middle paragraph should be split into 2 or 3.
Oh, this is a cool approach! I think you should make a theme of "discovering Vires," rather than developing it. That would make this unique and memorable. At the end, you talk about it as something you discovered in yourself, and that is a strong part of the essay.
Hey great essay!
A few comments, I really like your ideas, but you should cut out the" etc." you keep ending all your lists with. Try to be as concrete and specific as possible when discussing what you have done.
you have a typo, it should be "minimum" wage jobs, not "minimal".
Also, maybe you can find another way to describe how you felt when you found out your mother got cancer-it comes off a little bit odd. Describe how you felt in a slightly more sophisticated way.
Otherwise its a fantastic statement! Really, you have done an excellent job. You also have a great story and you should be proud of yourself.
Hope you get into FSU!
