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BU admission Supplemental Essay 2010.

apozzi 2 / 14  
Nov 6, 2009   #1
Hi there!
I am Alice, from Italy. I really need your help, since I am not a native speaker.
Hope you'll help out. THANKS in advance. :)
This is what I got. Please, just be honest and tell me what I have to change.

Essay #1: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to University community.

My parents have always described me as ambitious. In contrast, most of my Facebook friends have tagged me as curious. Personally, I believe the word that best describes me is this: open-minded.

For a long time, I never really considered ambition to be a desirable quality. But then I realized it takes courage to be ambitious. Ambition involves a lot of risk: the higher you aim, the lower you might fall. However, trying hard to make the most of life is definitely worth the risk. If you never seize the day, you will be forever grappling with the question of "what if...?"

My level of ambition is evident in my eagerness to pursue my education in Pre-Medical Studies in the Usa. Even though I've been told I am supposed to work harder than the others, because I am Italian, I will never give up. Ambition has given me the determination to achieve anything I set my mind to.

I have always found it interesting that people's eyes differ not only in the way they look like but also in the way they look at the world. If it were up to me, my eyes would always be open. I can't help but be curious about the world around me. For instance, I am always one of the few students who listen when teachers get sidetracked and start talking about something not directly related to the lesson --about TG news, current events. Most students are happy to get a break from taking notes and just space out for a while. I used to get angry whenever I saw students doing this. Regardless of whether or not the topic is academic, how can people not be interested in what's going on around them?

Finally, I believe that my most dominant quality is my open-mindedness. I have not only embraced other cultures, but I have also learned to love them. For instance, when I was in Boston last summer, it was amazing to meet so many people from all over the world. These memories are still fresh. I remember how quickly time passed when talking to my Korean friends about the political situation in their country. And I will never forget how my friend from Japan first taught me how to eat with chopsticks. These are the types of experiences that you can only have if you are open-minded. Indeed, I've always been against racism, and I could not agree more with the old quote from Mother Theresa: "if you judge people, you have no time to love them."

I am definitely satisfied with how I have turned out so far. I am also sure my qualities have prepared me well for college. I can think of no better place for my curious nature than university. What is more, my ambition will propel me toward high academic achievement. Finally, given the diverse community at Boston University, there is obviously no room for narrow-mindedness.
ayida365 7 / 33  
Nov 6, 2009   #2
"while I would depict me myself as an open-minded person"

Ummm...I think this prompt "select three words that describe you best" means you should talk about yourself. However at your paragraph about "ambition", I only see your idea about ambition, but not you as a ambitious girl. Therefore, I think you should use some examples to show why/how you are ambitious, just like what you do in the next two paragraphs, not just deliver your thoughts.

And, "Indeed, it is in the courage ambitious have to take out that we have to find the greatness of this virtue." I can't understand it.

Your next three paragraphs are okay. However, I think you should delete those phrases such as "in fact","I think"- they slow down your sentences and sound wordy.
cissylewel 5 / 24  
Nov 7, 2009   #3
i agree with ayida, and as for this part of your essay--

First of all, it's way too easy to say ambition is just an amazing quality.
Indeed, it is in the courage ambitious have to take out that we have to find the greatness of this virtue.
In fact, ambition means risk; the higher you aim, the lower you may fall.
However, I think it is worthy trying hard to get the best in your life.
Indeed, if you never seize the moment, you will live forever with the question: "what if..?".I am glad to be determined, because my ambition strengthens my choices, and makes me achieve my goals.

i think you need some improvements. it is a little strange to separate a part like that, and the words, like "first of all", "indeed" "in fact" may make readers think they are reading a toefl essay.
OP apozzi 2 / 14  
Nov 7, 2009   #4
Many thanks for your help!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 7, 2009   #5
Excellent! The opening and conclusion are great, and the quote from Mother Theresa is great, too. You will do well at BU for sure.
OP apozzi 2 / 14  
Nov 8, 2009   #6
Thank you Kevin. I hope so, too!
I like this forum, congrats.
Hava a great day!
raven 4 / 12  
Nov 21, 2009   #7
Wow, your writing is honest and very good. You expressed your traits well, too. I am also applying for BU and wish my essay was as good as yours.

Do drop by and leave a comment as well.

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