Undergraduate Admission Essay - "Tell us your story" - Revision

PROMPT-

Tell us your story.

What unique opportunities or challenges have you experienced throughout your high school career that have shaped who you are today?

According to renowned Indian artist Subodh Gupta, "A positive attitude may not solve our problems but that is the only option we have if we want to get out of problems." I am a firm believer that having a positive attitude can make anything, even if it is difficult or painful, an experience that can be learned from. These experiences can go on to shape one's life and how they act and react towards the various situations that life can throw at them. For me, one of the experiences that shaped my life and changed who I am as a person was a grueling six-day high-adventure trek in the boundary waters of Minnesota.

During the summer going into my freshman year of high school, I, along with seven other adventurers in my Boy Scout troop decided to go to the Northern Tier High Adventure Base in Ely, Minnesota for a 75-mile canoeing trip that would last six days. This adventure would separate us from all forms of civilization to the point where the only form of communication we had was a satellite phone that was only to be used in case of extreme situations. Unfortunately for me, being disconnected from the rest of the world wouldn't be the hardest challenge that I would have to face. Being from South Texas, the complete opposite side of the country from Northern Minnesota, our crew was used to swimming in the warm waters of the Gulf of Mexico. When we first stepped foot into the waters of Knife Lake, which kisses our northern border, our hearts skipped a beat. Even though it was summertime, that water was still freezing cold and it dawned on us that we were going to have to be covered from the waist down with it for the next six days. This was because we did what were called "portages" in which we would get out of the canoe into waist deep water or sometimes mud, put the canoe, along with all of our gear on our backs, and start to make our way across long and sometimes steep trails that would lead us to the next lake. At the time, I barely met the minimum weight restriction of 100 pounds, and the lightest pack I could carry weighed in at 75 pounds. Carrying three-fourths of my body weight on my back over the course of six days would come to be one of the most challenging and painful experiences I would have to endure. However, I kept a positive attitude and didn't give up as it would have been more agonizing to give up on myself and see everybody abandon the trip because of me. Even though we went through weeks of training for this trip, nothing my troop could have done would have truly prepared us enough to easily trudge through the icy water and three-to-five-foot deep mud pits, referred to by the locals as "Moose Muck," all while rationing food and carrying packs almost as heavy as ourselves. Eventually, I got the hang of it and that trek would come to be one of the most life-changing and fun experiences that I have ever had with my Boy Scout troop.

Through what felt like hundreds of miles carrying 75 pounds on my back, there were two things that always helped me get through it, my friends and a positive attitude. After coming back from Northern Tier, I was ready to push myself to the limits in everything that I did including academics and athletics. I now knew that I could trust that having a positive attitude would help me get through any problem or challenge that I faced. I believe that this experience changed who I am today and I hope it will continue to help me become a better version of myself in the future.

The essay clearly indicates that the story has to apply to you, the applicant, in singular form. So why is the essay constantly referring to group activities? This is not what the reviewer will be expecting to read. He wants less of the group experience and more of the individual experience that will highlight some sort of enlightened moment that would prove a point of realization on your part. He wants to learn how you manage to handle adversity, unknown situations, uncertainty, and challenges to your person in any way possible. This essay has skimmed over any of these notable references. While the experience is strong, the lack of focus on a true character building moment that would show a sense of responsibility and independence is missing from the story. The positive attitude could have been better built within the story in terms of dealing with adversity of a more serious type. The story is too lightweight.