When I was 12, my father came to me with startling news. He had a solemn look etched into his features and he looked tired and drained. I was automatically put on alert, and gave him my attention. After a short moment of silence he began to speak. "Your mother and I are getting a divorce." And with those words, he began to cry. I'm not going to lie, this was probably the first time I had ever seen my dad cry. It literally broke me apart inside to see how sad and weak he was. Not knowing what else to do, I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him and i too, began to cry. I hid it from him though, i didn't want him to see me cry. I wanted to be strong for him, but it was near to impossible. "I'm so sorry." He whispered. Which only caused my tears to quicken. I blinked them back rapidly. My parents were getting a divorce. I didn't want to believe what he was saying. Hopefully this was all just a dream, right? I would wake up soon. Or so I had hoped.
I remember forcing a smile for him before he left my bedroom. But after he was out of sight, I began to cry and sob uncontrollably. I stayed as quiet as I could, so he wouldn't hear. I was lost in my own guilt filled thoughts. How would I comfort my sister? She is four years younger than me. Innocent and vulnerable. I wouldn't let her see me cry. I had to appear strong for her. So, I figured if i was going to cry about it it might as well be now.
Overtime, I built up so much anger inside of me towards my mother mainly. I blamed her for the divorce and I sometimes even blamed myself, which was worse. I lay awake in my bed that night wondering "Did i do something wrong? Is it my fault?" But i never got any answers. I began to experience a lot of feelings during my parents separation. My emotions changed frequently. I always felt angry, frustrated, and upset, Sometimes i even felt abandoned, afraid, and even guilty. I would spend most of my time alone, in my room and avoid talking to anyone. I kept my emotions bundled up inside of me which resulted in depression and anger. It was hard at first to understand what was going on and what would happen next. For example, I missed my Dad a lot after we moved with my mom, and I felt lonely without him. I never got to see him every day like I did before, only every other weekend. It was always like I had something missing. A void. Things just weren't the same after we moved.
It's been 6 years now since my parents split up. I learned to accept the fact that the divorce was for the better. Both of my parents are remarried now and they've been happier than I have seen in a long time. I don't feel guilty anymore, nor do I hold anger towards my mother for everything that happened. I've moved on. I have come to realize that both of my parents still love me and will support me, it will just be a different way. Of course I will love them as individuals. They are still my mother and father, not husband and wife. It's just something I have had to overcome. I now know how to deal with my feelings and I feel comfortable sharing them with others.
