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Admission Essay: Transfer student short essay.


mrk006 1 / 1  
Jan 27, 2009   #1
Before I post my essay, I want to receive as much feedback as I can. For the most part, I'm finished with the essay and this copy is the end result for my first draft. Please check for grammar, run on sentences, and etc. Thanks again.

Short Essay:

I can contribute to the community by preparing myself well to be the best student I can be. In addition, I want to contribute to clubs such as the Black Student Alliance and others. My aspiration while in college is to broaden my love for knowledge, and to take advantage of the study abroad programs. Traveling and learning are two passions of mine. By going abroad for a semester whether it be Hong Kong or France to learn the culture, language and view the biggest attractions available is something I hope to achieve in my college career. The power an education holds on an individual and using that as a tool to unlock countless opportunities in life means a great deal to me. I want to experience first hand the different outlooks on life people have, also to have a sense of independence. Gaining an extensive understanding of my major International Business will give me the knowledgeable tools to accommodate and commit to my small business in the future.

At a young age I was educated on the lesson of commitment. When I was eight I wanted to tryout for the youth baseball league. My mother signed me up and I made the team. Being left-handed, it was difficult to throw and catch the ball right handed. On defense I played the left outfield. I would catch the ball, drop my glove, and throw the ball to first base. In practice, I would knock the balls out the park but when game time came around it was the complete opposite. When it was my turn to bat I would strike out every time. This would happen for the rest of my season, and I started to loose interest for the sport until I got my first hit on the last inning of the season. The moral of this story is that I was terrible at baseball and I wanted to quit, but my mother made me tough the season out. I now understand what she wanted me to realize, and that's commitment. I think that kind of commitment is what I'd like to bring to my degree along with my career related projects in the future.

To recap, I'm preparing myself in community college to advance to the next level of education. I've shared my aspirations while in college, also my desire to fully understand my major, lastly my lesson with commitment. Mentally, I'm ready more than ever to pursue my education. The power to influence the future lies in my hands and CU Boulder is the right university to make my dreams and ambitions a reality.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 28, 2009   #2
I can contribute to the community by preparing myself well to be the best student I can be.
This would sound better if you say, "I can contribute to the community by being the best student I can possibly be". Like you already ARE a great student!

Gaining an extensive understanding of my major, International Business, will give me the knowledgeable tools to accommodate and commit to my small business in the future.

In addition, I want to contribute to clubs such as the Black Student Alliance and others. This would sound way more powerful if you name one more club or activity.

This would happen for the rest of my season, and I started to lose interest for the sport until I got my first hit on the last inning of the season.

For the most part, the essay is great. I just found a few glitches.

good luck!
OP mrk006 1 / 1  
Jan 29, 2009   #3
Thanks for the input Kevin. Lets hope the university accepts it.


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