I'm not sure if my essay is good in terms of continuity. And i have major problems with grammar so any help you could give would be much appreciated! :)
My aberrant high school experience has given me insight into my own identity. By the end of my high school career I will have gone to three entirely different schools in three distinct cities throughout South Florida. My experiences have thrust me out of my typical suburban life, allowing me to meet people from all socioeconomic backgrounds. I have firsthand accounts of the diversity in South Florida and gained a sense of comfortablilty when experiencing foreign lifestyles and beliefs. Diversity, both my own and that which I have experienced, has become a major part of who I am today. It will allow me to be more open-minded throughout my college experience as I expand my horizons in my campus life.
Diversity, as defined by Webster's Dictionary, is to be composed of distinct or unlike qualities. As a young woman of mixed race, growing up in a suburb where I was of the minority, I failed to identify with a specific prototypical clique because of my distinct unlike qualities. I retained parts of my African-American and Native-American cultures while acquiring some predominantly White customs. Unbeknownst to me, my smoothie of race, upbringing and beliefs made me an anomaly among many of my peers. My time spent at my first high school, Boyd H. Anderson, in urban Lauderdale Lakes, was by far the most life changing experience I have ever known. I was astounded by how thoroughly different I was from my fully African-American peers. Whether it was because of where we grew up or our natural tendencies I will never know, but every new friend I made told me how they had "never met a black girl like [me] before." To my peers, the fact that I do not embrace the hip-hop culture, the obvious peculiarity of being from a presumably affluent suburb but not a snob, even my rejection of the Ebonics dialect, made me unusual. In my two years at that school I learned more about the assumed black culture than I could have anywhere else. For the first time in nine years of schooling I was a part of the racial majority, and yet I felt I would never fit into their idea of what it is to "be black." I went through an identity transition from thinking that I would never fit into their stereotype to the realization that the color of my skin does not constrain me to a particular set of practices, beliefs or culture.
My refusal to conform regardless of their confusion and ignorant probing questions on why I am the way that I am took a strength that I didn't know I had. It was an experience that empowered my character to persevere and my individuality to prevail. It was a journey toward racial identity that has enlightened me. Over four years and three high schools I learned to appreciate my individualism. The journey I went through will only aid be in my college experience as I learn more about the world, and myself. Having such a firm knowledge of myself gives me the confidence necessary to excel at the University of Florida.
Consider omitting My experiences have thrust me out of my typical suburban life, allowing me to meet people from all socioeconomic backgrounds.
Er...consider a different phrase my smoothie of race
Some redundancy the most life changing experience I have ever known
Consider omitting the assumed black culture
Number agreement practices, beliefs or cultures
It was a journey toward racial identity that has-->had enlightened me
The journey I went through will only aid be-->me in my college experience as I learn more about the world, and myself.
Good ideas throughout the essay. Just be careful everytime you use "their". It can get confusing.
Excellent! By the end of my high school career I will have gone to three entirely different schools in three distinct cities throughout South Florida cities . My experiences have thrust me out of my typical suburban life, enabling me to meet people from all socioeconomic backgrounds.
I was astounded by how thoroughly different I was from my fully African-American peers.
I like to cut out adverbs; they almost always do more harm than good.
My first impression of your essay was defined by the second word that you chose: aberrant. It sounds a lot like a word you looked up in the thesaurus, not how you would actually speak and write. Same with words like comfortability and prototypical. Although you use the words correctly, I feel like there's a difference between those words, and other "big words" you use, such as unbeknownst, which sounds much more natural.
Don't be afraid to write naturally and be yourself! Flaunt the vocabulary that you use in everyday life, not your ability to use thesaurus.com, and you'll do even better :)
