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Admissions Essay Influential Person-Mother


Esaias 8 / 37  
Dec 9, 2009   #1
Hi, this is my first draft (rushed because of an array of exams and SAT I&II /TOEFL colliding *sigh*.), but I have this due in a few days, so I would really appreciate it if someone could advise me on what else I can add (need a bit more to reach the perfect-500 word), correct the grammar and hopefully revise the essay if there are irrevelant items and cliches. And yeah, I know, the 'mother/father is my person who influenced me' essay is a bit overused but I couldn't think of anyone else.

Prompt: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

My mother has always been an extraordinary influence on my life. She gets things done independently. She is the kind of person who somehow magically manages to accomplish many tasks at the same time - raising her two children, going to work and finding time to have open discussions with her children. Growing up with such a strong role model, she has shaped many of my personalities. Not only did I learn how to be independent and confident in myself, but I also gained her enthusiasm for life.

My mother always encourages me to make choices, to be the boss of myself. She tells me to write down the advantages and the disadvantages of each choice on paper, and then consider the pros and cons carefully to make a final decision. However, after making a decision, she reminds me that I should be ready to face the consequences that my choice might bring forth. In other words, she wants me to be prepared to face the worst case scenario. She never forces me to do anything and I think this is why I am such an independent and self-managing person today.

She has always been the one who pushed me off the bicycle so I can ride myself. I used to be a bookworm, only interested in reading and academics. She introduced friends for me and although I was shy at first, I slowly became a sociable person. When I became too social, occupying my time with games, I got lazy with my studies; she pushed to be more hard-working. These changes weren't easy, as I was reluctant at first, but I soon learned to be a person who excels both academically and socially with confidence.

Everything that my mother has ever done has been overshadowed by the thought behind it. While the many experiences I have had with her had been spectacular, I have learned to truly value them by watching my mother. She has enriched my life with her passion, shaping me along the way. In her endless love of everything and everyone she is touched by, I have seen a hope and life that is truly exceptional.

Next year, I will find a new home in the States many thousands of miles away from Hong Kong, my old home. However, in my heart, my mother will always be by my side.

linmark 2 / 328 7  
Dec 9, 2009   #2
It's a solid essay but since you have extra length, it would benefit from specific examples - IN CAPS to "SHOW" AFTER EACH "TELL" ::

Growing up with such a strong role model, she has shaped many of my personalities (WHAT VARIOUS PERSONALITIES, or DO YOU MEAN ASPECTS OF YOUR PERSONALITY??).

Not only did I learn how to be independent and confident in myself, but I also gained her enthusiasm for life . (WHAT ENTHUSIASM FOR LIFE? LIKE IN PARTYING, ART, CHILDREN?)

She never forces me to do anything and I think this is why I am such an independent and self-managing person today (EXAMPLES OF WHEN YOU WERE SELF-MANAGING/INDEPENDENT?)

These changes weren't easy, as I was reluctant at first (WHAT CHANGES?)

In other words, she wants me to be prepared to face the worst case scenario. She never forces me to do anything and I think this is why I am such an independent and self-managing person today.

THE FIRST SENTENCE DOES NOT LINK TO THE SECOND.

She has always been the one who pushed me off the bicycle so I can ride myself.

DID YOU MEAN SHE PUSHES YOU ON THE BIKE?? NOT OFF?

Everything that my mother has ever done has been overshadowed by the thought behind it.

WHAT THOUGHT? CARING LOVE? DO YOU MEAN THOUGHTFULNESS?

While the many experiences I have had with her had been spectacular,

GIVE EXAMPLE OF THE MOST SPECTACULAR EXPERIENCE

For the close, maybe it will be more impactful to write about how she remains your inspiration for making your life truly exceptional (as you said in the preceding paragraph)? I know this is hard to answer but try to think about it - aside from being your mother, why else is she important to you?
OP Esaias 8 / 37  
Dec 9, 2009   #3
Hey,thanks. I knew the essay was a bit vague and full of grammar errors but at least now I have some ideas on how to revise it. If you have time, could also have a look at my other essay? I'd be very grateful:


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