I would really appreciate any feedback on this. The essay is due tommorow and any comments/critiques would be very helpful :)
Essay Topic: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
An awkward silence fell into the car as my dad drove us home. All that could be heard was the sounds of sobbing coming from me and my siblings. As the car finally reached a halt, my father turned to us and said, "You have to choose between staying here with your mother or going with me to Peru".
Just moments before, in a cramped motel room, my father sat there explaining in tears that he couldn't stay in Aruba anymore. He told us that he couldn't handle the constant critiquing and disapproval of my grandparents. We had never spent much time with our father because of his frequent traveling and work. He said that by moving to Peru with him, it was our chance to spend time together with him and catch up on the moments we had lost. As he was speaking, I kept thinking to myself, "What about mom? What will happen to her if we're gone? What about struggling to learn Dutch just to go to school here? What about my friends?" He was going to move us into a different country again to start over, right when we had just settled down. My sister was the one who finally spoke first. She said through tears "I want to stay with mom." My heart kept pounding and as I choked down the tears, I managed to say the same thing. My little brother too small too understand followed in our example. My father looked away from us, angry and hurt and said, "Then you don't have a father anymore". I followed my siblings out of the car, all of us sobbing as we watched my father drive away. I didn't realize it at that time that I was never going to see him again.
This is the most meaningful event in my life. This event alone changed me overnight and it still follows me today. This was a huge road block for me but by overcoming this dark period of my life, I believe I have gained some wisdom and peace from it. I do not view the world as naively as before but try to view it in all possible angles. It has taught me that I can't get anything handed to me in a silver platter so I work hard for what I want and do everything within my power to achieve it. This event has hardened me yet made me stronger and more understanding to the views of others. This event will affect my college experience in that it makes me strive harder to overcome any obstacle and it motivates me to achieve all that I can. I've also gained the motivation to work hard to understand the people and the world around me. That is why in college I hope to delve myself into all I can so as to better understand the world we live in.
Great job! I found some corrections to make here:
I didn't realize it at that time that I was never going to see him again.
This was the most meaningful event in my life. This event alone changed me overnight, and it still follows me today.
After this point, you say "this" over and over. You could vary it some.
I'm sorry, I think your deadline is already passed! Sorry I was late.
