Helpppppppppppppppp! I have to submit my admissions essay for a university entrance next February and this is my first admissions essay so I'm really confused with the vocab, the structures, the grammar, the idioms, collocations I used and should use. Can you please help me! Thanks a lot!
university entrance essay
I was born in an Asian family that highly strictly focuses on learning at schools since my parents consider studying as a necessary way to help my family to get out of the poverty. It is proudly said that I could perform properly as well in academic subjects as my parents' expectation, nonetheless, sport is a shame of mine. The most unforgettable memory with this subject was when I had to learn how to swim.
It was in my grade 10 that a 15 meter swimming test completion was the compulsory requirement to pass the first semester. This condition was exactly a horror to a girl not only afraid of the depth but also poor at learning sport like me. The first lesson of movement coordination between arms and legs was totally challenging to me. Having looked at how excellent my friends were at swimming, I self-wondered how inferior I was and sank into deep depression with the wretchedness about myself.
After the first course, scared and unconfident as I was, I chose to study until the end of the second course and take the exam. Although what I could did at that time was just floating, I decided to give it a try in the second test. After two or three arm sweeps, I thought I could start properly and smoothly, but I got gradually exhausted and the feeling "I can not do it" always emerging in my mind disturbed me from concentrating on my movements. Suddenly I stopped, but unfortunately in the depth of 1.7 meters which was over my height. I could not stand or even swim. I suffocated and tried to raise my hand for a help also to reach out of the water for a breath. Eventually, I was luckily rescued by some of my friends swimming nearby. However, this memory was actually a shock making me cry and feel hopeless with passing the swimming exam. The worse scenario was had not I passed this exam, my overall performance in this semester would have been lowered as a result, thus disappointing my family.
My only fortune at this crisis in my life was my parents. In spite of putting any pressure on me, they comforted me from my fear and made full effort to find the most suitable way to teach me how to swim. They asked me to assume "I can do it" despite "I can't do it" on my every challenge. Just one month later, I knew how to swim and passed the exam under supporting from my beloved family and friends.
There is a saying from Henry Ford that really tells my lessons from this experience - "whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right". We may not believe, but it is true that our mind has a real super power. However, under no circumstances is it effective if the belief in our ability goes without our effort. To a sensitive girl like me, I have to make sure to apply one hundred percent effort in any performance and always keep in mind that "I can do it" to move forward and farther in my life path.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,028 4247
The essay theme is a good one. However, the presentation is not very good. It suffers from proper editing and grammar, both of which is impossible to correct as a simple response to your post. You require professional editing for your work or, you can try to run it through a grammar checker and see if that can help. You should build up the presentation of how you overcame the fear. It can't be as simple as your parents boosting your confidence. What steps did you take to finally pass the test? How did those personal actions develop you as a person? Skip the quote from Ford, your sentiments in that paragraph are strong enough to close the essay. You don't need the words of someone else to close this on a strong note.