Who is worthy enough to attend Florida State University? The answer to this question to all that desire entry of course is, "Me." FSU does not accept all applicants for good reason. Florida State is a college of stature, virtue and excellence. They deserve the right to accept only the best of all applicants. I share these virtues of Vires, Artes, and Mores. Hopefully in my essay I can display why I am one of the worthy applicants Florida State University deserves on their campus.
How I encompass Vires can be explained looking back at my sophomore year. In 2006 I had a terrible football injury. It was the Bartram vs. Orange Park game where I felt a sharp pain in my lower back after tackling a running back. After a year of physical therapy and wearing a embarrassing and bulky back brace, I also heard the worst news of my life. "You will never play football again Blake. If you ever play any contact sport there's a very good chance you could paralyze yourself."
I felt my hopes and dreams start to slip away. Besides weight lifting, football was my life! So, how did I recover physically, emotionally, and morally? How do I exemplify this word, "vires?" I realized that I had much to be thankful for. I needed to work through the anger and resentment. It took strength to recognize that dreams are endless and when one departs another arrives.
By putting forth maximum effort in everything that means something to me, I may be confidently described by the Latin word "artes". I give one hundred percent of my heart and loyalty to my family and friends. My effort towards my education is very important to me. Throughout High School I chose to challenge and push myself by enrolling in honors and advanced placement courses. When a new concept is introduced to me, I pick up very quickly, and then like to teach my new learned skills to my friends and classmates. At work I have earned the confidence and trust of my boss. Hard work and perseverance brings success and self appreciation.
The word "mores" is also a reflection in my life. I am very aware and appreciative of the talents and opportunities that have presented themselves to me. I have learned to accept the obstacles that are place in front of me and appreciate life for what it has given me. I believe strongly in treating people as I like to be treated. FSU deserves students strong in character and tradition and I am a direct reflection of this value.
Florida State University presents me with the best opportunity to further develop the traits within myself that embody the spirit of the school; "vires, artes, mores." If selected to be a part of FSU, I would continue the tradition of bringing such values of character and strength this institution.
Good afternoon.
"...is, "Me." FSU..." Why is "me" capitalized? Make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences.
"...stature, virtue, and excellence. They..." Make sure you are including commas after each item in your list.
"...How do I illustrate this word, "Vires?" I..." Make sure you are putting your punctuation inside your quotation marks.
"The word "Mores" is also reflected in my life. I remind myself everyday to appreciate what life has given me and take those gifts and help others whenever I can. Not every 17 year old gets a car, good health, and unconditional love. Compassion and respect for everyone I meet is something I take seriously. I believe strongly in treating people as I like to be treated. FSU deserves students strong in character and tradition and I am a direct reflection of this value." This paragraph needs more detail, or you can always remove it. As it is, it seems like an unimportant afterthought.
"...I represent the philosophy that guides Florida State University, "Vires, Artes, Mores." Make sure your subjects and verbs agree; there are three philosophies here, so philosophy should be plural.
actually- after giving it some thought I thought I would re-work this alittle bit more. Please let me know what you think of it now after using your suggestions and working on the content alittle bit more.
Ok... another revision was done before I am going to send this in today. Can you PLEASE review it before I do?
a few questions:
1- Is it ok that I ask a question at the beginning of the essay or should I take that out?
2- Am I supose to capitalize Vires, Artes, and Mores?
3- Should these 3 words be placed in between quotation marks?
What do you think of the end result after I have worked on it a bit more? Is it worthy of sending in?
Thank you,
Blake
Good evening.
Opening with a question here is fine; you kind of just have to take the tone of the essay, the formality of the circumstances, and the overall "feel" when trying to open with a question. Here is OK.
I also believe that "Vires" should be capitalized, as it was in the prompt. "Me" is a noun, but not a proper noun; it is a pronoun. Kind of tricky :)
"artes" should be formatted as "Artes."
High School shouldn't be capitalized.
"mores" should be formatted as "Mores"
"vires, artes, mores." Double check this one on your application: format it as they do. It is possible that it should be "Vires," "Artes," and "Mores." but I am not exactly sure how they format it.
"...strength to this institution."
Your content is improving more. Your detail is a little clearer, making your essay stronger. Your voice and overall tone are also getting stronger. Nice work!
Looking better!
Regards,
Gloria
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