University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign - Essay II
In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it
During the summer break of my eighth grade, I had the opportunity to work as a volunteer with the Cancer Patients Aid Society, a non-profit organization established to curtail the spreading of cancer. A seminar held in my class threw light upon the exponentially increasing number of cases of cancer inflicted people and the horrendous impact of this rampant evil on society. As if this was not enough, some of them were treated as outcasts and had to cope the discrimination meted out to them. However the most unfortunate part is that the majority of these people cannot avail of medical help for this rather preventable disease either due to lack of funds or awareness. I could not be more in compliance with the missions and ideals of this organization having seen my own grandmother battling for life against this killer disease. I whole-heartedly adopted the responsibility assigned.
I actively participated in creating awareness about the fatalities of the disease and instilling a sense of responsibility in citizens through education. As part of the prevention campaign, I sketched out and put up posters warning against the hazardous effects of tobacco smoking and other carcinogens. The awareness part of the mission required us to deliver lectures to our juniors with the aim of clearing the misconceptions about the pleasures of smoking which generally floats in their minds at their sensitive age. I was also able to collect monetary aid, clothing and medicine for the lesser privileged members. Within a couple of days itself, I was greeted with an enthusiastic response from the citizens which stimulated me to pursue my service further with even stronger vigor.
This advent has added a much valuable face to my personality. It has provided me with an insight of the true hardships faced by many-a-person that I would initially take for granted. Post this experience, I see myself as person with a clear conscience, rational approach, a concern for society and a potential agent for change.
Hey People This is my first draft.I am a NEWBIE writer so I will really appreciate if u suggest how to improve upon my errors. Please Criticize !!!!!!!!!
Also THis essay is 330 words and the limit is 300. Please suggest extraneous stuff that should be removed IN order to fit the essay as well as improve it.
I had the opportunity to work as a volunteer~~~
-> I volunteered as ~~
A seminar held in my class threw light upon the exponentially increasing number of cases of cancer inflicted people and the horrendous impact of this rampant evil on socie~~
-> A seminar from my class explained the exponentially increasing cases of cancer inflicted people and the cancer's impact on socie~~~
I could not be more in compliance with the missions and ideals of this organization having seen my own grandmother battling for life against this killer disease.
-> I could not be more willing to serve for this organization and its mission after having seen my grandmother who battled against this killer disease for her life.
the pleasures of smoking which generally floats in their minds at their sensitive age
-> the pleasures of smoking which most teens find with curiosity
Within a couple of days itself,
-> Within a couple of days,
I was greeted with an enthusiastic response from the citizens
-> the citizen enthusiastically greeted me
many-a-person
-> many people
I would initially take for granted
-> I initially took for granted.
a concern for society and a potential agent for change.
-> , and a concern~~~~
good luck with your application!
A seminar held in my class threw(Shed) light...
cannot avail sounds awkward...
and AS a potential agent for change.
other than that nice essay... im applying to U of I too.
thanks a lot guyss and ill work upon the errors.
apart from that how did you all the essay as a whole? lyk with regard to the topic and all.. nething missing/extra??
hey guys i need some reviews on the overall structure of the essay. My deadline in in a couple of days and I have no clue where my essay stands. So i would be obliged if you people can suggest something that is necessary/missing/extra.
Thanks.
Here is an idea I had:
This advent has added a much valuable face to my personality. I mention this experience as part of my application, because I hope it might reflect the more admirable parts of my personality and help me to present myself in a positive light.
I don't know how I feel about the effect this would have, but I wanted to get rid of that sentence about an advent adding face to your personality.
:-)
Thanx :)
How do you find the essay as a whole? Is it ok or do i needa work a lot oon it ?My deadlines 2morrow :|
Is this the final thing i submit alongwith the corrections?
