Our whole lives, we try to figure out what we would love to do, and plan what kind of career we will end up with at the end of our life.
First off, erase this tense. You want to always talk about you- NEVER "we" or "our". By using "we" and "our" you devoid the essay of your voice and persona, instead making it seem unimportant. In fact, by starting your essay off like this, it will be a complete turn off to admissions. Why would they want a "we" person when they could have an "I" person?
I want to take The Interior Design and Foundations Diploma, and without the help of the teachers , and advisors at The Art Institute Of Vancouver, I will (would) never achieve that goal. The Art Institute can shape all my half ideas , into something amazing.
Okay, here you are making yourself seem inadequate. Brag over who you think you can become instead of seeming insecure. Who says you can't accomplish your dreams and goals without the Art Institute? I bet you could. It's all about setting your mind to something, and if you close your mind so much onto one place (they will notice this in admissions) it will really hurt you, especially if that one choice disappears.
I've always loved watching the Interior (lower case) design channel, (period)(I dream about, etc) creating new ideas for my bedrooms, (delete comma) and my house. But I did not really think of it as a career, until I got pregnant about a year and, (delete comma) a half ago. With that I got to actually experience what it would be like to create something, (delete comma) that I will remember forever. I spent months planning my daughter(apostrophe ['])s nursery, to make sure it would be absolutely perfect. Once I figured out what I wanted to do, her room quickly transformed into the nursery I always wanted (imagined, or other stronger word choice) for her.
Elaborate on your experience of having a child. That can be your strength and something you can play off of to make your essay stronger. Also, beef up your word choice to create a greater passion in your voice and sentences.
By going to your school, your setting me up with the resources to excel. I hope to start an internship before I graduate, and to eventually start my own firm. I will not let the school down, or anyone that helped me to graduate.
It's not about the school, it's about you. It's good to mention that you want an internship, and that you want to start your own firm. But don't care about letting the school down. You want to make an impression and not seem desperate. You want to appear strong.
I know I belong in the Art Institute of Vancouver, simply because; I know I can do this, and I will not stop trying until I achieve my goals. I will excel in interior design, I will work everyday, to ensure that one day I will have my own firm. My life will become the life I always dreamed of. I can do this, but I need your help to succeed.
Hmm... it seems your whole essay is based off the fact that "you know you can do this". But why? Why should they believe you? I mean, these people on admissions don't even know you. So why do those six words give them a reason? You want to inspire these people through your words, you want to light a fire inside of them so that they have no choice BUT to accept you. Don't act like you need them, because you don't. Yes, they will make your life easier and you'll be happy because it seems like they're a top choice. But really, the Ai is just a VEHICLE for your life goals, not a DESTINATION.
