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My adulthood - story for commonapp essay

Chimfwembe2000 1 / 1  
Jul 3, 2019   #1
I'm drafting my commonapp essay

Any topic you want

My advisor has completely rejected it and told me to write another one
How bad do you think this one is?

P.s I know there are a lot of grammar errors
Don't focus on that part
How bad is the story ?

'No! That's not for me,'I said ,as I ran past a neighborhood group of thugs acting nonchalantly . They laughed at me and shouted in slow motion , 'so you think you are better than us! It's only a matter of time .'

Only a matter of time, but don't I have a choice I thought critically in my infancy.

As I packed what was left of my belongings in preparation for the upcoming second term of boarding school, I couldn't help but feel destitute after my brother sold most of my belongings to buy drugs. I didn't need much anyway for school besides books and soccer boots. The school environment wasn't utopian, but was still engaging. The school's unwritten slogan is 'love of work'.This phrase was excessively repeated throughout the day everyday as we did work ranging from sweeping to grass slashing. Apparently I even started to like work,and when the sweeping felt good,the books felt better. Nonetheless, soccer was always greatest. A day after playing soccer, my roommate and I decided to take the long route to our dormitory. As we walked past the school's sewer lake, I could help but give it a cold stare. 'So ,what do you in this sewage?' Muchindu asked.'We might as well start calling it fuel,' I said. Muchindu responded saying 'I thought you would never do drugs, listen to what you are saying now , you hypocrite '.I could not help but laugh out what he said. Nonetheless,I was focused to turn my theory into tangibles. From an empty room my school called a laboratory, I tried countless prototypes that were supposed to turn waste into usable energy. I had my eureka moment when one prototype deflected the needle of the multimeter measuring current. With the prototype working, I was able to produce electricity and natural gas from waste ranging from leaves to sewage. As I learnt more about bacteria and chemistry from books,I was able to drastically improve the output.But as the bacteria multiplied exponentially in the cells,and leading me to the Junior Engineer Technician and Scientist national fare ,I could not help but feel a sense of failure as I lost peers by the day to vices despite my best efforts to persuade them. 'I have problems you can't understand, ' they would say trying to puff up circumstances we shared. I felt like Sisyphus in trying to convince them that drugs are nothing but a burden.

But I have a choice ,I think critically in my adulthood. 'If I am not for myself - who will be for me? If I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when? ' Rabbi Hillel said. So I hoped to help my community in a way we needed it most, as such, I initiated a soccer team called Mitengo Football Club . I just don't want to see the analogy of the rich man dying of hunger in the midst of plenty by chewing rocks .

Maria - / 1,099 389  
Jul 4, 2019   #2
Hi there!

The first and foremost observable issue is that you have an inefficient structure in relaying your thoughts. Focus more on creating more concise sentences. Notice how you had a huge chunk of text in the middle of your writing. Evade doing that, especially because you are working with a story-telling content that should focus more on the narrative. These types of structures exhaust readers rather than contributes to their persuasion to engage in your writing. Furthermore, try to also focus on changing the overall tone of your writing to a more persuasive one to give way for more interaction with your readers.

Best of luck.
OP Chimfwembe2000 1 / 1  
Jul 4, 2019   #3
Thank you very much @Maria
Kudos to you
I'm now working on a different story
I will use your comments to make the new better.
Thanks once again

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