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toodii2102 6 / 12 3  
Dec 16, 2020   #1
Could you help me to revise this essay? Thanks a lot


When I was 4 years old, I lived two lives. In one life I lived with my parents, teachers, and friends. Another life was a secret place where I was blending in the most amazing adventure with my soulmates. I was thrilled in my first time flying up to the blue sky with Sakura the CardCaptor and exploring the black hole in the universe with Optimus Prime. They led me to a brand new world that surpassed the detention of school and family, agitating the excitement of exploring this wonderful planet inside an inquisitive kid. My father used to be frightened when he saw me always sat at the corner of the room, and... didn't do anything. Don't like other kids in kindergarten who love to run out in the playground and make their parents angry by their crying sound, I was so silent.

It was hard to tell people that you are in your own world when they can't listen to you. I used to reveal that secret world to my kindergarten teacher by saying: "I want to be an Explorer when I grow up". Unfortunately, "Explorer" was not a career in my teacher's booklet. She said no. "It's not right, your friends are drivers, teachers, now you will be a doctor". "No, teacher, I want to be....". Dazed but very conscious, I kept insisting on my intention. The inspector from the Department of Education would come that day, so she didn't want me to mess up in her model lecture. She glanced at me, speaking in a gruff voice that made all of us in terror. I kept silent.

From that very young age, I went through sadness and puzzlement, yet I didn't surrender, just like Copernicus when he whispered "And yet it moves" after being forced to proclaim what was against his belief. My thinking was full of possibilities. Why do these things happen? Why not? How can we combine those ideas? Life is an amazing adventure when you question and test out the possibilities. The leaf is green because it is young; Doraemon could rewrite history because he has a time machine; however, it seemed irrational with this "impossibility".

The day I walked alone into my high school which was isolated from my familiar surroundings, I knew it was the moment that called my name to live a life as stated in my belief since I was 4 years old. When I spoke in a confident manner to my classmates: "I want to be your monitor", I was excited yet terrified. It gave me goosebumps, while my breath became rushed and my mind went blank. I had never been a monitor before! How can we know what we can do if we never take action? No one knew that I grew from the deepest terror in my heart: the fear of being limited. While other students were sleeping freely after a long-hour lecture in the early morning, I was running from stair to stair, trying to contact the graphic designer of my club after I had missed ten calls from her. While others were passing their time in extra classes at night, I was laying in the bed, turning my back to the outside world, and crying after receiving the resignation letter from a member I loved. Every time I drew closer to the perfect me, I got more scars on my heart, and some of them would take a lifetime to forget. However, I was glad to have them in my life.

An Explorer is willing to penetrate into the strange land in spite of being injured in seek of a solution to solve the obstacles for the following people. In her eyes, everything is new and she volunteers to be the pioneer to see what will happen. Nothing can stop me from adventuring. And that is who I am.

hiimming04 2 / 9  
Dec 17, 2020   #2
I will help you check your spelling:
Line 1: In one life => In first life.
The end of the second paragraph: She glanced at me, speaking...=> spoke... (this is parallel structure in English)
The third paragraph: Life is an amazing adventure when you question wonder
The forth paragraph:
- my high school which where was isolated...
- I had have never been a monitor before! (The present perfect tense refers to experience while the past perfect tense describes the action before another action in the past).

- after receiving having received the resignation letter

After having read your post, I guess you are an introvert. Be strong!
akalo 2 / 7  
Dec 18, 2020   #3
Hope these help.
... and friends, and in another[b]there was a secret place ...

... saw me always [b]sitting alone
in the corner of ...
I was not like other kids in kindergarten who loved to run ... by their loud cry.

By the way you have a very interesting way of writing, I really like it.