Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 4


"To Afganistan as a doctor, teacher or businessperson" - Yale Sup Essay


bigbajo 3 / 5  
Dec 27, 2010   #1
You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, Short Answer, and Personal Essay. In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about. Please limit your essay to fewer than 500 words.

Please comment and be harsh... this is an old essay and I am considering using it for Yale.

"Bombing in Afghanistan kills 10"
"Taliban kill foreign doctors"
"10,000 troops sent to Afghanistan"
When is it all going to end?
I was born in Afghanistan in 1993 during a time of turmoil. My family was able to flee the country when I was 8 months old for safer grounds in Uzbekistan until it was the right time to return. Unfortunately that right time never came and perhaps we are still waiting. I came to America when I was almost 8 years old, but in 2009 I was able to return to my place of birth with a family emergency. This return changed my life dramatically.

Going back to my birthplace made me nervous, even more with what I heard daily on the news. One of my teachers questioned the safety of the trip and my friends jokingly said they hoped I didn't die. I wasn't sure what to expect but upon arrival I first noticed the dry land, some mud houses, dirty streets, and the children running around with torn clothes that were twice as old as themselves. In honesty it was worse than what I imagined. Fortunately our extended families in Afghanistan had decent houses, one with actual real bathroom and toilet seats which only some people could afford. The roads were all muddy with billions of cars racing both ways on one lane streets. It was just a total mess for everyone, but specially the children, the beggars and the poor. I would call Afghanistan conditions the worst conditions any child can grow up in.

We visited one of the neighbors whose mother was sick with cancer and in desperate need of money. The mother was lying on a bed restless when her youngest daughter opened the door. She was wearing old and dirty clothes, twice her own size. She led us the oldest son who was 20 at most who said their mother has had cancer for the last 3 years and only has a few months to live. The son explained that their father left them after her mom was diagnosed and they could not afford food for the family let alone possible treatments to maybe extend her life a few more months. I was so saddened by this story and wondered what did these kids ever do wrong? My mom decided to give the family 100 US dollars before leaving to cover food for maybe 1 month and took their number for further donations.

This is however only one of the few thousands of families living in such poor conditions in Afghanistan. From my first visit back to my country, I deeply remember the horrendous conditions of the people. What has happened to the million of dollars of tax payer money over the years? The war has not brought peace it has promised but greater hatred among the people. You can't go into a country saying we will help you with guns in your hand. Never mind the politics, upon returning back to New York I became grateful for everything I had and got more involved in the American Red Cross, Free The Children and other volunteering groups. I opened my eyes to World News always reading the New York Times about Afghanistan and other countries that need our help. I feel weak right now for not fulfilling my obligations to help out. However I hope to visit again soon perhaps as a doctor, teacher or businessperson and make a difference.
ZoeyMorgan 2 / 4  
Dec 27, 2010   #2
This is really interesting, it definately provides diversity and an interesting essay for Yale. However, I would just make a few little changes..
The beginning is captivating but at the same time confusing. After reading through the passage I understand the beginning but being the first thing is a little sketchy. Also in the end I think you should provide more analysis towards your experience and give a little more specificity in an example how you helped out...did you directly get involved with red cross? what did you do in the volunteer groups?

It really is a good piece, good luck!
OP bigbajo 3 / 5  
Dec 27, 2010   #3
Thank You for your comments.
Im unsure of the start but dont know how to change it. I dont want to start with I was born in...

I will change the ending somehow and will try to connect to Yale a bit more.
But its great to hear that you like it.
annidee 1 / 4  
Dec 27, 2010   #4
Maybe start with a few words about how American stereotype Afghanistan people. Slowly then relate it to yourself and how you witnessed the truth? The story is a very interesting one and I think it'll make you stand out.


Home / Undergraduate / "To Afganistan as a doctor, teacher or businessperson" - Yale Sup Essay
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳