Hi everyone,
I am from Afghanistan and I want to continue my education in a college in United States. I have already chosen the college that I will apply.
Here is my essay, I would be very glad if you could help me with the essay I have written.
Please feel free to suggest new ideas or point out the mistakes I have made.
Thank you
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A) Your reasons for wanting to study in the United States
The use of cutting-edge technology and top learning facilities, excellent teaching, coupled with personalized study programs and individual attention make the United States' education system an outstanding education system!
Global rankings have repeatedly show the dominance of United States' education system.
Graduating from an American university means a lot to Afghans, it will have a huge impact on my future ambitions and goals.
B) Your future academic and career goals
It is after a good deal of self-evaluation that I have decided to pursue graduate studies in Information Technology and Network Administration. This decision followed naturally after carefully considering my past experiences in this field, the areas of my interest and my ultimate professional ambition, which is to start an internet service provider company in Afghanistan.
The internet business is one of the most promising ones in Afghanistan. I have already done a lot of researching and I had the chance to be trained in some areas in Herat's IT incubator by IBM consultants. I feel that proper education in United States will give my professional ambitions a huge boost!
C) How you became interested in XXXXXX College.
Via E-mail I contacted several colleges but I always received great help from XXXXXX which made me curious to find out more about the college. After lots of researching on the internet I found out about high-quality and comprehensive educational programs, helpful and friendly professors and awesome facilities available to students.
Reading reviews by students who attend or have attended XXXXXX College and their positive feedbacks really made it easier for me to become interested in XXXXXX College.
Another point in being interested in XXXXXX was that I have family living not that far from the college which is very important for me as adapting to living in United States will be a lot easier.
Can someone please check it?
Thank you
The use of cutting-edge technology and top learning facilities, excellent teaching, coupled with personalized study programs and individual attention make the United States' education system an outstanding education system!
Global rankings have repeatedly show the dominance of United States' education system.
Graduating from an American university means a lot to Afghans, it will have a huge impact on my future ambitions and goals.
You may want to say it like this: "The united states has an outstanding reputation for their educational system. The personalized study programs are second to none, by utilizing cutting edge technology, excellent teaching, and individual attention. When researching global rankings, the USA's educational system and universities exceed all other countries. As student from Afghanistan, obtaining a degree from an American college would have a huge impact on my career and future ambitions."
t isA fter a good deal of self-evaluation,that I have decided to pursue graduate studies in Information Technology and Network Administration. I naturally made t his decision followed naturally after carefully considering my past experience in this field.theThis is my area of my interest and my ultimate professional ambition, which is to start an internet service provider company in Afghanistan.
The internet business is one of the most promising ones in Afghanistan. I have already done a lot ofextensiveresearch and I had the chance to be trained in some areas in Herat's IT incubator by IBM consultants. I feel that a proper education in the United States will give my professional ambitionscareer a huge boost!leap in the path to success
After r eading reviews by students who attend or have attended XXXXXX College,and their positive reviews and feedbackreally made it easier forled me to become interested in XXXXXX College.
Another point in beingreason that I am interested in XXXXXX wasis that I have family living not that far from the college which is very important for me, as adapting to living in United States will be a lot easier.
Thank you so much Jenny : )
This is my final essay.
A) Your reasons for wanting to study in the United States
United States has an outstanding reputation for their educational system. The personalized study programs are second to none, by utilizing cutting edge technology, excellent teaching, and individual attention.
When researching global rankings, the USA's educational system and universities exceed all other countries.
As student from Afghanistan, obtaining a degree from an American college would have a huge impact on my career and future ambitions. With any newly free democratic country the possibilities for growth for all aspects of life and business are there and with the right education I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many of my people and help establish my life and career goals.
B) Your future academic and career goals
After a good deal of self-evaluation, I have decided to pursue graduate studies in Information Technology and Network Administration. I naturally made this decision after carefully considering my past experience in this field, this is my area of interest and my ultimate professional ambition, I would like to start an internet service company in Afghanistan once I return to my homeland with the additional knowledge and tools I will gain from my studies.
The internet business is one of the most promising avenues in Afghanistan today. I have already done extensive research and I have trained in some areas in Herat's IT incubator by IBM consultants. I feel that a proper education in the United States will give my professional career a huge leap in the path to success!
C) How you became interested in XXXXX College.
Via E-mail I contacted several colleges but I always received great help from XXXXX staff which made me curious to find out more about the college. After extensive research on the internet I found out about high-quality and comprehensive educational programs, helpful and friendly professors and cozy facilities available to students. In addition, after reading reviews by students who attend or have attended XXXXX College and their positive reviews and feedbacks really made me feel that going there is the best decision for me.
Another reason that I am interested in XXXXX College is that I have family living not that far from the college which is very important for me as adapting to living in the United States is a big step to make and having some support helps.
