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The African American girl with a Spanish name who's in French Honor Society


CVP1993 3 / 10  
Dec 31, 2011   #1
Laugh at my title all you want, but it's true! And it caught your attention ;)

Okay so I need any feedback I can get on one of my mini-essays for the Stanford Supplement. The Roommate Letter... dun dun dun. Okay so time for business,

-Honesty is appreciated. Please don't sugarcoat.

-I'm trying to send this in by tonight... -__- We'll see how that goes..

-I feel like this is kinda long, but the common app says to use at least 250 words, but the box will only hold 2,000 characters. This is like 300 something words, but it's only 1,900 something characters.. I think it'll fit. If you ahve any experience with that please share your wisdom!

-Thanks for reading this!

PROMPT:Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate -and us- know you better.

Hi Roomie!
My name's Carmen and I like simple things, but I have always had a passion to do things in life that many people might find unconventional. My dreams include walking in New York Fashion Week as a model, visiting Dubai, designing a best-selling video game, and leaving behind a legacy that will affect a lot more people than just me. That list may seem all over the place, but that list is me. I am all over the place. I'm the girl with a Spanish name, in French Honor society who's African American. I'm the girl who's 5"9 that loves wearing heels. I'm the girl that listens to everything from The Band Perry to Lupe Fiasco.

I have interests everywhere. I look at college as the time for me to sharpen those that I really have a passion for and start dedicating time to my ideas that I want to see expand. I know college will be a lot of work, but I know I'm ready for it. The last four years of high school have been full of hard-work, no sleep, and memories ranging from "I wish I could forget this" to "unforgettable." While it was a little sad to say goodbye, it was absolutely necessary. The time has come for us to start our new chapters and I am more than excited to meet you. I want us to have a good relationship as roommates, but also as friends. It's hard enough being thrust out of our elements with no knowledge of what's to come, but that is essentially the fun of college. I am a slight neat freak, but I'm not over the top. I just like organization. I also like food. No, I take that back. Like would be an understatement. I love food! I promise that our mini fridge will never see an empty day and I'll always keep a never ending arsenal of Laffy Taffy's in case you ever have a bad day. They work wonders for cheering people up!

That being said, I hope this note worked a little to ease any anxiety or worry you had about moving in and also gave you some insight into your future roommate.

To infinity and beyond,
Carmen
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Dec 31, 2011   #2
I like simple things, but I have always

Comma should be replaced with semicolon or period.

and leaving behind a legacy that will affect a lot more people than just me.

This part ruins the sentence. And it is very conventional.

I think in this part you digress. If you feel you've run out of words that tell about you, write an anecdote. It will automatically tell something about you.

Overall, I feel this is a good essay. Witty.
OP CVP1993 3 / 10  
Dec 31, 2011   #3
Thank you so much! I'll definitely fix it up!
asdf7878 1 / 6  
Dec 31, 2011   #4
I love this note! It makes me want to be your roommate, especially the ending! (I love food too ><)
Here are a few suggestions that might possibly improve it:

-My dreams include strutting down the New York Fashion Week runway
-I'm the girl who's 5"9 but still loves wearing heels
-My interests are everywhere, and I see college as the time for me to sharpen the ones that I really have a passion for...
-The last four years of high school have been intense and sleep-deprived, and my memories of them range from...
-I want us to be not just roommates, but close friends.
-I am a bit of a neat freak, but not over the top OCD; I just like organization.
-...our mini fridge will never see an empty day, and I'll always keep...

please give me some advice on my essay too :)
shayshay3194 5 / 9  
Jan 1, 2012   #5
Hi lovely. Your essay is great & with the above suggestions, I know its even better now.
I wasn't allowed to start a new thread until I commented on someone's essay, so you're it lbs.
inkraven 3 / 4  
Jan 1, 2012   #6
I think it is good. It certainly fits the prompt. Although I'm not sure what Stanford is looking for, I would tailor it more towards what Stanford wants to hear rather than your roommate. (even though they ask for the opposite).

Idk.


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