What was the environment in which you were raised? Describe your family, home, neighborhood, or community, and explain how it has shaped you as a person. (250-500)
This is an essay that will improve my acceptance chances into a summer camp that will be held at SMU. Please give me advice as soon as possible, as the deadline is almost here. Thank you.
a successful immigrant
Pope Paul VI once said "All life demands struggle. Those who have everything given to them become lazy, selfish, and insensitive to the real values of life. The very striving and hard work that we so constantly try to avoid is the major building block in the person we are today." I was born in Nairobi, Kenya a large country along the eastern border of Africa. Africa is not how it is portrayed via media, but instead it is a beautiful continent with vast resources and an abundance of multi diversity that can't be found anywhere else. Due to the political corruption found in most African countries, the economic situation can be somewhat horrific on a large wide scale. This issue is what has allowed the education system to become very competitive. My parents have always taught me to be competitive and reach my goals through the perseverance and hard work I've witnessed throughout my life. I thank God everyday that my parents were able to immigrate to the U.S. and build a life for my sister and I that some can only dream of. My father came to the U.S. at the age of 21 with no family, and or friends. He started working at McDonalds, was a full-student, and still had to provide for my mother and I. Most Americans are accustomed to having family and or relatives to support them, but not us. Americans see it as if the options they have are supposed to be there for them. People in America don't realize how privileged they are. This obstacle my father faced took a lot of courage and independence to overcome. These values have slowly but surely become instilled within me as I've matured and grown with my loving parents. I cannot thank them enough for what they have sacrificed to and done to put me within a good schooling system, safe neighborhood, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. All I can do is take the amazing education America has to offer. I can also put forth the effort and values that I've learned from them, to become a successful immigrant within a much shorter span of time. That is why I am asking you to give me this opportunity to attend your camp, so that I may transform into the man my parents envisioned I would become.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Try to change your approach to the prompt question Adrian. The current essay has too much unnecessary information such as the quote from Pope Francis and the appeal to have the committee approve your application to attend the summer camp. The only proper and usable response, which more than does its job of representing your application is the story of your father, up to the point where you say that you are thankful to your parents. That is all that you need to talk about in this essay since it is obvious that you appreciate your parents contribution to your present and future life. Remove the part that refers to how you want to take American education as far as it can go. Overall, removing the quote from the pope and the description of Africa, including the reference to an African education, are irrelevant to this essay. The last 3 sentences also do not tie in with the prompt requirements. All of these elements should be removed from the essay so that only the integral and relevant parts remain in the discussion. There is no need to add any more elements to the essay. The quicker you present your response, the faster the reviewer can make a decision about your admission.
