Hello! Thank you for reading over my essay. I really appreciate any comments, corrections, or critiques you could give on my essay--anything helps. In return I can also edit one of your essays! :) Thanks.
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from (family, school, community) and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
There are several ways to say what exactly happened to my mother in the winter of 2007. Her doctors had told me it was an acute cerebrovascular attack, an intercranial hemorrhage. At the time, those words confused me, and I was not aware of the implications of them. Only after she was released from the hospital were the facts given to me plainly: my mother, at the age of 35, had had a stroke. I was in my sophomore year of high school when she had this hemorrhagic stroke, and was altogether unprepared for the changes it brought about in my world.
That year, I had developed an addiction to prescription painkillers. Immediately following my mother's return from the hospital, I knew that I needed to quit taking drugs, focus on my family and keep things together while she recovered. Essentially, this meant assuming my mother's responsibilities. My father had little time to help out around the house because he had to work extra hours to pay my mother's medical bills, so I was the one who did the laundry, cooked dinner, washed dishes, and took care of my three year old sister. After helping my mother get into her pajamas and tucking my sister in, out of sheer exhaustion, I would fall asleep, my homework brushed aside. My familial responsibilities took complete precedence over any social activity or academic obligation I had. To perform well in school, I first had to help create stability at home.
It was during the summer before my junior year when my mother became well enough to take care of herself. That fall, I was able to switch my focus in priority from family to schoolwork; and that fall, I realized my true academic potential. Going to college hadn't crossed my mind until I became aware of the intellectual promise I had. Neither my family nor my friends had ever known me to be so driven, so diligent with my schoolwork.
The aftermath of my mother's stroke left every aspect of my family's lives altered in its wake. Despite the horrible nature of my mother's experience, I learned how to take care of myself and others; how to be patient, caring, and kind. After caring for both my family and my mother, I came to realize how much I truly valued my family and my health. Taking the initiative to better myself and the lives of my family has given me the opportunity to succeed academically and achieve my aspirations of going to college and becoming an art history teacher.
Your essay is good, and it does focus on a specific topic, which is important. The only thing it seems to be missing is the dreams/aspirations part. What do you want to do past high school? That's what I want to know. You need to answer that question!
That year, I had developed an addiction to prescription painkillers.
although this part is important to you, i wonder if mentioning being addicted to drugs would be any good. i feel like the schools may be afraid for liability issues if you were in fact addicted, etc. i'm not sure...
Immediately following my mother's return from the hospital, I knew that I needed to quit taking drugs and focus on my family and keep things together while she recovered.
My familial responsibilities took complete precedence over any social activity or academic obligation I had.
although this sentence sounds great, it seems to be a little out of place. the word choice is different to the rest of your essay. it just doesn't sound all that consistent.
So, I was wondering if you could take a look at my essay. If you could just click on my username and have a look at the thread titled "Prompt 1: What school has done to me!", I would be honored! :)
Best of luck!
