We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)
I spend 12 hours on this essay, yet i found it lacking a thesis, or perhaps a good conclusion. I may need as much critic as possible
At the age of twelve, I became a self-conscious child; I began to wonder about myself, regarding my future, my spouse and my dreams. Back then the majority of my parents' time was used regarding their work; even my youngest sister, who was four, was taken care of by a full-time babysitter. We never actually did something together unless it was a very special occasion; so if there was anything I didn't have, it wouldn't be time to play around. I was always outside gathering with my "pack", and I was the leader. I became a leader for a very simple reason: I was the boldest; I was always the first one to take any action on the team, like the first to break a glass and the first to run away.
A year later, my parents got a divorce; and to be perfectly honest, I did not feel any sadness, nor did I shed any tears. At the day we went to court, the judge asked whether if I and my sisters wanted to be with mom or dad, I had no idea how to answer that question since I wasn't prepared, but since my sister had chosen to be with mom, we all followed her step. It didn't make any different actually; today I can choose to sleep in my mom's house, and tomorrow I can stay in my dad's, as long as I don't miss school. It's like there is a very deep level of trust within the family, no matter what happens, nothing can ever convulse the bond between us. Also as Asians, we rarely express love verbally; somehow, maybe it's the language, we think it's abashing.
Maybe it was because my father wanted to boast about his wealth, like many Asians back then, I was sent to Singapore at the age of fourteen to study. The trip was completely unpredictable and unprecedented. I had to rent my own place, and had to live alone ,without any help or knowledge of other language but Vietnamese, in a country where people either are bilingual, trilingual or quadrilingual ï the official languages of Singapore are Malay, Tamil, English and Mandarin, even Cantonese is used just as much as English. It was harsh for a fourteen year old but I came through, perhaps because I was trained for independency from my parents at the younger age, or perhaps the money sent by my father was more than enough. It took me sometimes just to learn some English, enough for communication, and to pick up the Singaporean's accent along the way. The time I was in Singapore wasn't long, only 9 months, I didn't even had a chance to finish my school year because I had to come back to Vietnam, and be ready for another country.
A year later, my family came to the United States. My father did not come with us since he's now married to a Vietnamese lady, and has 2 new sons with the same first name as mine. I started my high school freshman year in Brandon, Mississippi. Even after exposed to 2 different educational systems, I wasn't ready for the third, so I left the subject selection process to my counselor. Miraculously and unexpectedly, I had Aces for all of my classes except English. Then came my sophomore year in Louisiana and my junior year in Washington State. I did well in school, and had no problem with everyone around me; yet, something was bothering me a lot the whole time, even until now.
Outside, I'm like a slow river, peaceful and gentle; while inside, I'm a trembling volcano waiting to explode; the blazing magma keeps on accumulating as my thoughts cache. I began to wonder about myself as the dramatic changes in me gradually came to realization. I'd become different from the vast majority of kids of a similar age; I speak less, do more, and think many. I now enjoy knowledge, especially in finance, and politics; while many of my friends curious about sexuality and unfortunate of others. My social life is good, but it has never been great because I and my friends have little in common. Our conversations always stop at leading music bands or latest movies, never actually come to things I love, because it's too far off from the rest of my friends'.
I do realize that my life had been different from most of my friends, and that makes me, for the lack of better word, older than they are. The fact remains true: a different life gave me more advantages and insights than most people. Yet I do not have all the answer to the questions that life proposed, but now I can see blurry picture of my future; and it is enough for me to clear all the challenges ahead of me.
trilam153
What happened when you were twelve? This seems like a mystery to me in and of itself. Maybe tie in your parents divorce.
A year before my parents' divorced , I became a self-conscious child; I began to wonder about myself, regarding my future, my spouse, and my dreams. Back then the majority of my parents' time was used regarding theirspent at work; even my youngest sister, who was four, was taken care of by a full-time babysitter. We never actually did something together unless it was a very special occasion; needless to say I had lots of free time.so if there was anything I didn't have, it wouldn't be time to play around. I was always outside gathering with my "pack", and I was the leader. I became a leader for a very simple reason: I was the boldest; I was always the first one to take any action on the team, like the first to break a glass and the first to run away. What is this about? I am also very interested in this part of your life as well.
A year later, my parents got a divorce; and to be perfectly honest, I did not feel any sadness, nor did I shed any tears. At the day we went to court, the judge asked my siblings and me whether if I and my sisterswe wanted to be with our mom or dad.I had no idea how to answer that question since I wasn't prepared, butUnprepared to answer such a question, we followed in our sister's footsteps , who since my sister had chosen to be with mom, we all followed her step . Really, it didn't make any differentdifference.actually;T oday I can choose to sleep in my mom's house, and tomorrow I can stay in my dad's., as long as I don't miss school. It's like there is a very deep level of trust within the family, no matter what happens, nothing can ever convulse the bond between us. Also A s Asians, we rarely express love verbally; somehow, maybe it's the language, we think it'swe find the language abashing. I really love this last point as well. I think you could write a whole essay based on this sentence.
MaybeYou use a lot of "maybes" and "perhaps" in this essay. While as a tool to suggest contemplation, in your essay, I feel like you are just not too sure of yourself, and it detracts.it was because my father wanted to boast about his wealth, like many Asians back then, My father I was sent me to Singapore at the age of fourteen to study. The trip was completely unpredictable and unprecedented. I had to rent my own place, and had to live alone. without any help or knowledge of other language but I spoke only Vietnamese, in a country where people either are bilingual, trilingual, or quadrilingual ( the official languages of Singapore are Malay, Tamil, English and Mandarin, even Cantonese is used just as much as English.) It was harsh for a fourteen year old but I came through, perhaps because I was trained for independency from my parents at theat a younger age, or perhaps because the money sent by my father was more than enough. It took me sometimes just to learn some English, enough for communication, and to pick up the Singaporean's accent along the way. The time I was in Singapore wasn't long, only 9 months, I didn't even had a chance to finish my school year because I had to come back to Vietnam, and be ready for another country.
A year later, my family came to the United States. My father did not come with us since he's now married to a Vietnamese lady, and has 2two new sons with the same first name as mine. I started my high school freshman year in Brandon, Mississippi. EvenA fter being exposed to 2 different educational systems, I wasn't ready for the thirdanother , so I left the subject selection process to my counselor. Miraculously and unexpectedly, I had Aces foraced all of my classes except English. Then came my sophomore year in Louisiana and my junior year in Washington State. I did well in school, and had no problem with everyone around me; yet, something was bothering me a lot the whole time, even until now.
In the next paragraph, verb tense is way off. You need to be more consistant. However, I really like where you are going with this next paragraph.
Outside, I'm like a slow river, peaceful and gentle; while inside, I'm a trembling volcano waiting to explode; the blazing magma keeps on accumulating as my thoughts cache. I began to wonder about myself as the dramatic changes in me gradually came to realization. I'd become different from the vast majority of kids of a similar age; I speak less, do more, and think many. I now enjoy knowledge, especially in finance, and politics; while many of my friends curious about sexuality and unfortunate of others. My social life is good, but it has never been great because I and my friends have little in common. Our conversations always stop at leading music bands or latest movies, never actually come to things I love, because it's too far off from the rest of my friends'.
Very weak conclusion, but it's hard to have a strong one when you have an aimless essay. I would just nix it and write a new one.
I do realize that my life had been different from most of my friends, and that makes me, for the lack of better word, older than they are. The fact remains true: a different life gave me more advantages and insights than most people. Yet I do not have all the answer to the questions that life proposed, but now I can see blurry picture of my future; and it is enough for me to clear all the challenges ahead of me.
I also see what you mean about you feel it lacks a thesis. I think there are some great ideas in this essay, and a lot of insightful points, but they don't really flow or connect well. I would really just pick one of these great points or experiences in your life and write about that. You can talk about your relationship with your father, your 9 months in Singapore, maybe how being Asian has shaped the way you look at the world. I am more than willing to help you with this. I can sort of see where you wanted to go, you have a lot to say, but you just aren't sure how to say it. I love essays and I love editing and helping people say what they are trying to say. Let me know if you'd like more help!
