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It is agonizing to watch such a beautiful country crumble because of the rising violence. UT Austin.


youngfolk2 1 / -  
Feb 27, 2015   #1
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

The vivid images of the days running around downtown with my cousins, dancing to the beat of the playing guitars, and devouring our "elotes" that we bought from the nice old man in the corner of the street are still embedded in my mind. But now, abandoned stores remain, silence consumes the streets, and no child is doing to things I had once done. It is agonizing to watch such a beautiful country crumble because of the rising violence. As I step foot into the country I had once loved and felt secure in, I feel now fear, anger, and betrayal.

...

TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Feb 28, 2015   #2
Hi, I have made some suggestions to your grammar and phrase construction.

Living close to the southern border of the United States and Mexico has given me the advantage of experiencing these two very distinct cultures. I lived all my childhood in a town just across the Rio Grande River called Matamoros, in a small concrete house owned by my grandparents. I cannot stop and think about what could have been if the drug war was not taking over the lives of the individuals struggling to carry on. {the tenses in this sentence are confusing - if you mean you cannot stop now to thing about what happened in the past, I think you need to say "if the drug war had not been taking over"} I still visit my family members but since this revolution started my family and I feel more distant. My sisters and I [used to] impatiently waited for the weekend to arrive so we could go to Matamoros, but as we hear[d ] stories about shootings and killings we stopped trying to persuade our parents to take us. This war affects so many individuals in many aspects. The apprehensive state in which my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are under controls every single minute of their lives because they never know when or where confrontations might take place.

It is truly repulsive how there are people out there {these two "there"s sound a bit awkward} filled with so much malice. Drug [ c]artels are second handedly [single-handedly] robbing people of their rights as humans to express [themselves] and live freely. Whenever I see a young child locked inside their rooms star[ing] blankly at a television screen[,] I cannot help but blame those out there {"out there" is a bit repetitive and maybe too vague} who are depriving these young minds [of] the right to explore and learn. I am enraged by the fact that as much as we strive to change the situation Mexico is under, there seems to be no clear solution. There is this bubble inside me that wants to burst and just magically change the environment people are subdue [subject] to but, unfortunately the only option to end this clash is to let time settle their disputes. We blame those who are involved in these criminal activities and as more people suffer, in Mexico and those Americans [here you state a country and citizens of a country, which sounds odd - try to make this more parallel} , living close to the Southern Border, {no caps} there will be no forgiveness to those implicated. {These sentences are a little confusing to me - do you mean we can't forgive the drug cartels until they stop their violence? That sounds pretty banal}

One of the saddest outcomes of this experience has to be the diminishing sens[e ] of nationalism from the people of Mexico. What used to be a united country made up of honest and hardworking individuals has transformed to be [into] a hopeless place full of misery and loss. One sees children play with toy guns instead of soccer balls. Since this drug war started my family members cherish the moments spent together so much more. What used to be common visits now have become [the] rare get together. What is happening is unfair and iniquitous to the people of Mexico and every other person who is affected by the {missing a phrase here}

The battle between Mexican forces and the drug cartels has culminated in the past years, {"culminate" is not usually used alone, something usually culminates in something else} which has caused distress and imposed fear amongst their{"their" is a little unclear here - the way you use it would refer to people in the Mexican forces and drug cartels} people. Those weekends spent with my family where we danced to the beat of the guitars and accordions, ate delicious delicacies made by my grandma, and ran around playing street soccer, are now weekends apart from these exciting activities. Friends and family live in fear, desolation, and will one day go back to the days we had lived before. {this last phrase sounds like a non sequitur }
zasif326 3 / 5  
Feb 28, 2015   #3
You have very good use of imagery; your essay was captivating throughout. I agree with TJLuschen's suggestions.


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