Hello can someone proof my essay?
Here is the prompt: You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, Short Answer, and Personal Essay. In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about. Please limit your essay to fewer than 500 words. (I know my essay deviates a little but Yale's website said it was ok to write about a personal experience that influenced you)
Freshman year, the first step down the path of adulthood, I began to gain more independence. I started to encounter situations that helped shape my growth and contour my maturity. With this gained freedom came tough decisions that had to be made between what is right and what can be wrong. One marked incident occurred towards the end of my freshman year. I was spending the night at my friend's house, along with three other peers, celebrating his birthday. Late that night, we quickly became irate and decided to go outside to play basketball. During our game, we heard a train approaching on the nearby railroad tracks. One of my friends floated the idea of throwing rocks at the passing train. We all became silent contemplating the idea. Ideally, that mischievous activity would have been rejected if it was presented to us individually. However, being in a group of young teenage boys, each one of us felt the pressure to accept the daring and risky challenge. Hastily, our personal morals and beliefs were skewed and sidestepped by the urge to belong. Regardless of how hesitant I was about getting in trouble, I could not refuse the challenge and be condemned as a cowered by my friends. That was an option I could not take.
There we were, a bunch of boys throwing rocks at a train for the mere pleasure of doing something daring. The Adrenaline was rushing as we were very conscious of the risky situation we placed ourselves in. I was tentative at first, but the thrill of throwing the first rock at the train washed away all my worries and hesitation. I became oblivious to the possible consequences of our little endeavor. All of that delight vanished minutes after the train passed. Swiftly, the dreaded blue and red flashes approached. We were surrounded by a slew of built men in blue uniform. Suddenly, we were all standing astonished, as Jack did in the novel, Lord of the Flies, when he faced the captain of the ship on the stranded island. Like Jack, our feelings of strength and mightiness were ridiculed by the police men as they started integrating us. While sitting in the cop's car, anxiously waiting for my mother to pick me up, shame and dishonor replaced my feelings of euphoria. On the way home, my thoughts became louder than my mother's deafening silence. It was then I realized that my decision to give in to peer-pressure was irresponsible and immature. The presence of my friends overshadowed my personal ideals. The urge to belong and impress propelled me into doing something that was reckless. In that soundless car ride home, I vowed to myself to never agree with my friends out of fear of being ostracized. I decided to make decisions based on my individual moral ethics and beliefs. After that night, my determination to do what is right became more important than any situational conditions.
By integrated do you mean interrogated?
It was v. daring of you to choose this subject, and I think it will make you stand out. Were you charged with anything or just detained?
I don't think "irate" is the right word for "we quickly became irate and decided to play basketball" it sound more like you quickly became bored.
"condemned as a cowered by my friends." condemned as a coward by my friends
