being "born in a barn."
-quotes not needed
that's pretty high-tech nowadays.
-"it's" instead of "that's"
This was proven during
"proven
to me..."
lens, and squinted. Suddenly, the ranch manager
-Between these two sentences, it would be good to describe what you saw.
intended to be placed in other animals
-"placed into other
cows"
attract more buyers to the genetics
-i don't think that saying the buyers were attracted to the genetics is necessarily correct. you can't actually see genetics, which is a scientific discipline. you can't see genes either, just the phenotypic effect of them. you should probably cut out the "enhance the herd" part and just put "...in order to attract buyers to the genetically-enhanced herd."
I began researching the connections between science and agribusiness.
-what did you learn as a result of this research? include it in the essay.
I think that it is a pretty good topic. The thing is that at the end you kind of venture off topic and start talking about yourself. That is not what the prompt asks for. You need to talk about what your thoughts on the subject and why you find it intellectually engaging. I don't think that venturing off into talking about your want to learn is a good idea. The one thing that you do not want to do when you write an essay is go off topic, no matter what.
Good Luck! Hope I helped :)
Read mine?