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"aha!" moment - Intended Major: Biology - UC Transfer Prompt 1


WombatWill 1 / 1  
Nov 26, 2015   #1
Hi! I'm trying to get some feedback. Any help would be appreciated!

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

As blood leaked out of the body, the sounds of a rapidly beeping electrocardiogram echoed throughout the operating room. Surgeons desperately tried to perform another heart bypass, but it was too late. The electrocardiogram flatlined and the patient had died. The words, "To be continued" appeared on the screen, that week's episode of ER ended, and my interest in biology began.

Growing up, there was one television show that I had always looked forward to seeing each week: ER. Every aspect of the show drew me in, but what had garnered my attention the most, however, was the human body. Whenever a patient was brought into the operating room, my eyes would be fixated onto the screen. I would catch glimpses, but due to the camera angles, I was never able to get a good look at what lay underneath the skin.

It was not until high school that I was able to formally immerse myself in the subject. In my senior year, I took physiology where I learned all about the body and its intricacies such as how the cardiovascular system transports nutrients throughout the body. I consumed every ounce of information, but I still hungered for more. I did not want to keep looking at pictures and diagrams. I wanted to see inside a real human body.

Determined, I reached out to my aunt, a surgeon, and asked if I could shadow her for a day. When her supervisor approved my request, I was overjoyed. As I walked into the operating room, the sight of the electrocardiogram and the neat array of surgical tools made me feel like I was in an episode of ER. I witnessed a total abdominal hysterectomy and the whole experience was so surreal. The surgeon made a transverse incision above the pelvic bone and then incised the subcutaneous fat. As blood oozed out, a warm, wet gauze pack was inserted into both sides of the iliac fossa. To facilitate the operation, the surgeon used kocher clamps to exert traction on the uterus. After securing the uterus with multiple clamps, the surgeon made one final incision and removed the uterus. I stood there frozen, not because of how grotesque the operation was, but because sight of the open body cavity had me utterly captivated.

It was then that I had my "aha!" moment. Biology seemed like something I could see myself doing for the rest of my life. My childhood fixation had transpired into a deeper understanding of the many nuances of the human body. From it, I have not only strengthened my resolve to major in biology, but also solidified my aspiration to become a surgeon.

andyis - / 6 3  
Nov 26, 2015   #2
The progression of the first two paragraphs can be improved. It does not truly illustrate WHY you like biology. If I were to summarize, it is : I wanted to see the body in more detail. Give an example, what precisely was interesting. Condense and make it more concrete. ESTABLISH biology in your life here. For example, "I could not comprehend the arterial pathways involved as they performed that bypass. How? I questioned the flow and pressure of the blood. Where did it lead? But I was disappointingly given a blank, as I the camera did not cover it..." would show how the cameras and the tv show were limiting.

The final paragraph can also be reworded. I'm not completely sure of the rhetorical purpose of "aha". Unless you as trying to convey naive fascination / youthful innocence, a word that better fits the atmosphere of essay could be selected.

Additionally, here you can reestablish that confidence in your path. Biology did not "seem". Biology "is". I think that you can establish your confidence , even bordering arrogance, as it would show determination and finish strong. They need to know, this is someone who knows what he/she is doing.

Overall though, I think it's a good essay. The overall structure and progression were strong, displaying consistency.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Nov 26, 2015   #3
Christopher, I'd like to add some corrections and needed enhancement on your essay.

- As blood leaked out of the body, the sounds of a rapidly beeping

- my attention the most, however,( you already said "but" to detect contrast in the beginning of the sentence so no need to add "however") was the human body.

- I would catch a glimpses, but due to the camera angles,

- but because of the sight of thean open body cavity had me utterly captivated.

- From itthis experience , I have

Christopher, I believe your essay is written quiet strong, I only have a few corrections as you can see above, I hope it helped.
OP WombatWill 1 / 1  
Nov 28, 2015   #4
@andyis

How's this for the conclusion?

It was then that I had my "aha!" defining moment. Biology is something I could see myself doing for the rest of my life. My childhood fixation had transpired into a deeper understanding of the many nuances of the human body. From this experience, I have not only strengthened my resolve to major in biology, but also solidified my aspiration to become a surgeon.
andyis - / 6 3  
Nov 28, 2015   #5
Yes, I think defining is a much more apt word. It fits the overall tone of the essay and demonstrates that you have clarity in what you seek to achieve.


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