Prompt: You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, Short Answer, and Personal Essay. In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about. Please limit your essay to fewer than 500 words.
Do you think this essay works? I'm not sure if it is answering the prompt...should it say more about me? I am thinking of adding more at the end about my reflections?
Please be critical!
Thanks!
I excitedly look out the airplane window and see breath-taking reflections of clouds in Atlantic Ocean. It is spring break and I am going to Austria and Germany with my school's Symphony Orchestra for a music tour.
The soft hum from the airplane reverberates in my ears like little pulses of vibratos. It is odd that I can hear this sound since chatter usually covers it up. As I look around my seat, I realize that almost no one is talking. All I hear from the row behind me is the clicking of Nintendo DC's. All I hear from the row to my right is the faint music coming out of the student's headphones, and their feet taping along to the beat. All I hear from the row diagonal from my seat is the giggles in reaction to a romantic comedy the girls are watching. All I hear from the people two rows down is...nothing. Like my friend who is comfortably cuddled in her seat next to me right now, the people in that row are asleep. Why is no one talking? Why are they playing video games, listening to music, watching movies, and sleeping, but not interacting with anyone? People nowadays are too entrenched is their personal worlds; they forget that there is a bigger and better one around them. If only they would lift their heads for just one minute, they would see that. I admit; I am taking a part in this too. But I have an excuse; the girl next to me is asleep. However, doesn't everyone have an excuse? We could all say that we have something better to do. No. We need to stop making justifications for our actions. We need to start talking to friends, families, and even strangers. We need to spread the word. Then perhaps the video gamers would start discussing strategies with other gamers. The music lovers would start to sing a duet with their friends. The movie lovers would start to talk about the unexpected plot change. And as for me, instead of recording my thoughts, maybe I should tell them to the world.
You're telling me to be critical. Your essay makes you sound like a hypocrite and that's going to look bad in front of the admission officers. The essay also doesn't show who you really are to me. All I can get from you is that, "Oh, this person just realized the she wants to change people's habits and criticize them including herself. She wants to conform them to her own way even though she didn't conform at all during the airplane trip."
The essay didn't impress me at all and I think your taking a risk here. Maybe you should revise it and try to show more about you.
But these are just my thoughts. Some of the other people on essayforum might see it differently.
Good luck with Yale!
Oh and can you give my Princeton Essay a read? I just revised and I need more criticizing before I can turn it in.
I think you should add more about you. At first the essay sounds you are going to tell about the music tour but when you get to the end it seems to turn argumentive. I also think you should cut down on some of the anaphora. The "All I hear" part I think was enough because by the time you get to the "We need" parts it sounds like your giving a speech, arguing your points.
Overall, it is a great essay. I love the imagery in the beginning it makes the reader feel as if they were actually sitting on the plane. Yes, you should add more about your reflections.
I agree with makman09. The essay on first impression seems very hypocritical. I like how you describe the scene around you with great detail and imagery however the essay ends on a sour note with you explaining your excuse. Perhaps you could expand about YOUR little world instead of others. Talk about what makes you unique in your philosophy and thought process - your logic for being in your little world. The essay can move in a direction where you are the focus instead of others conforming to your ideals.
Overall you're in a good direction :).
Thank you for reading my essay and good luck in your application process!
Alexander Huang
I like the idea, but maybe you need to turn it around a bit to show a deeper meaning. Maybe talked more about your own little world like alechuamg said. I do explain why/ how you got to that point and how you just reliaze what a waste it is that you rather be doing x or y.
