When I was in 10th grade, I applied to the Macaulay Summer Scholars Academy to take Algebra II so that I could skip it in my junior year. In the first day of the program, I was assigned to a class of 12 people, most of whose math background are 1 to 2 years ahead of mine. In the morning, the instructor lectured us on trigonometry and shifted to college algebra in the afternoon. His mouthful of mathematical terms such as scalar, vector, delta, and theta made me yawn and frown throughout the lecture. When he asked me a question the next day, my mouth could not utter a single word.
Since then, everyday when I got home from the program, I would watch lecture videos to teach myself the basics of algebra II and trigonometry until 10 at night. While catching up, during lunch time, I begged other students to explain the topics covered in class.
Two weeks later, I was finally able to understand what the instructor taught in class. And for the first time, I looked up to the teacher and raised my hand high to answer his question.
Please help edit or provide comments. Thank You in advance!!!
Good Luck on your applications!!!
The essay isn't really strong. I know your trying to show your dedication in conquering academics, but you don't show it well. If you want to make it stronger, I suggest writer your essay on a different extracurricular activity that is more significant to you.
But if you want to stay with this essay, give more detail about how you struggle and what motivated you to or how it appealed to you.
Good Luck with App!
Can you also give my essay Common App - Extracurricular a read?
Well, I think you are on the right track, but your conclusion isn't exactly (for lack of a better word) "up to par." You've chosen a good experience to talk about, but you should focus more on the lasting impact it has had on you, instead of just a short-term one. Maybe talk about how it taught you to always persevere when the going gets tough? Thats what I thought your conclusion was trying to say.
Basically, focus more on the long-term impact, rather than talking about how confusing/boring it was.
Good luck! :)
On the first day of the program, I was assigned to a class of 12 people, most of whose math backgrounds were 1 to 2 years ahead of mine.
His mouthful of mathematical terms such as scalar, vector, delta, and theta rendered me clueless.---I like this sentence!
After spending five nights watching introductory videos on some of the topics covered in class that week, I began to have a superficial understanding of the lecture.
After another arduous day, as the A Train just arrived, I crammed into the train and dropped down in a seat.
:)
Hi,
You should start out with a clever introduction. You would not believe how many people write "When I was..." It will set you apart. I recommend something from the class like "I woke up to my alarm clock. It was only 5 AM and I wanted to sleep. But I realized, I had to go to class."
Hope this helps. :) Otherwise I like it. I did a similar camp at northwestern. :D
Get rid of detail such as how many seniors are in the class because those details don't help progress the essay. Overall, the essay is a better revision than the last one.
The only thing I can think of is mentioning how you'll conquer Algebra 2 at a deeper level such as, "With the complexity as the core element of Macaulay Summer Scholars Academy, I strive to challenge myself and conquer what was impossible to me before."
Just include something personal and deep about challenges and you in order to give your essay a stronger edge.
Other than that, your essay is good. Good luck with it!
Can you return the favor by reading my Princeton supplement?
I think you should work on the ending a little because from a reader's perspective, I feel like you're being forced to do the review whereas in the beginning you seemed determined. You want to convey that you're even more eager by the end, so maybe work with that. Otherwise, I could see someone who likes challenges and has the desire to pursue a goal.
Is there a character or word restriction? It seems very short.
Also, I think the last paragraph should say something more about yourself. Talk about how you've changed or what you were thinking. That would def. make it stronger.
Is this for the common application extracurricular activity essay?
My only comment is that the transitions are not too smooth and each paragraph seems to be about three different things, doesn't feel very connected. The concluding paragraph needs some work. Otherwise it can be a really good essay.
Hope this helps. If you don't mind could you take a look at my common app. extracurricular essay. Thanks!
I don't like how you list out terms, but other then that it's a very decent piece of writing.
It was well written , but I dont really think it does any significant impact .
I would say instead of telling a story like this, you may simply describe how you love the activities and what you learned from it.
The only way to improve your original story is to elaborate more on the end, but I'm afraid it would exceed the words limit then :D
YingBin
Well then since its for common app. you might want to summarize the second paragraph in a sentence and focus more on how your teacher's words of motivation affected you and then you can lead into the last paragraph about you studying the basics.
For example: On the first day of blahblah, I was excited to learn the riveting basics of blahblah, (you don't necessarily have to say to advance to junior year cause that might indicate a lack of interest- you only want to do it so you can move on) but the instructor focused on blahblah instead. With a mouthful of jargon I had never heard before, he had simultaneously rendered me clueless and disheartened me.
Frustrated I sought the advice of my teacher, who succinctly told me to stay in the program and challenge myself. He told me that I should learn the basics in order to understand the more advanced topics. After some consideration, I realized that my teacher was right.
The following weeks thereafter I applied myself to the task. On my way home I would take out my Algebra review book determined to conquer basic Algebra...
Then you can go on to say if you did in fact master it and what you got out of it.
Hope this helps!
EDIT: This was before I saw the revised version by the by.
It's pretty good, I would just add more to the end. Add more to what potential you found and how it really helped you to overcome obstacles, or even what obstacles.
On the first day of the Macaulay Summer Scholars Academy, I was excited to learn the basics of Algebra II. However, the instructor did not teach algebra II basics , but advanced Trigonometry and College Algebra. With a mouthful of math jargon I had never heard before, the instructor left me clueless.
Disheartened and unsure, I e-mailed my math teacher to seek advice . He e-mailed back and wrote: "YingBin, you should stay in the program. Just learn as much as you can. It is always good to challenge yourself."
I do not think this a god topic for the CommonApp extracurricular essay. Topics should be about activites you have done consistently throughout the year or for an extended period of time, at least more than four months. This is a nice essay however for other topics.
YingBin
On the first day of the Macaulay Summer Scholars Academy, I was excited to learn the basics of Algebra II. However, the instructor did not teach algebra II basics , (not necessary seeing you have it in the previous sentence) but advanced Trigonometry and College Algebra. With a mouthful of math jargon I had never heard before, the instructor left me clueless.
Disheartened and unsure, I e-mailed my math teacher to seekingadviseadvice . He e-mailed back andwrote(maybe responded/replied) : "YingBin, you should stay in the program. Justand learn as much as you can. It is always good to challenge yourself."
After some consideration, I realized that my teacher was right. Determined to conquer the basics of algebra II in order to understand the more advanced topics, I consistently(constantly maybe?) practiced problems on the trainon my way home(on the train just seems like a random interjection and has no real relevance) and watched introductory videos un til ten at nightlate hours of the night .(my correction sounds pretty awkward to me still but I don't think you should put the precise hour) After two weeks of self-training, I finally started to understand the lecture and was able finish my assignments without others' help.
And tT hanks to the program, I discovered my potential and built confidence in overcoming obstacles.
Much, much better. The transitions are smoother and there is less confusion. The conclusion could be a little more, its rather abrupt. Good otherwise.
Hope this helps! & thanks for the comment on my essay, I really appreciated.
You can possibly say to further foster my love for math, I continued in the program for another summer.
I know this might be a little mind-boggling...but i feel like your extracurricular essay should be about something that you do that is unique.<--everyone does math...and everyone had the experience of overcoming a hard math class...but that is just my opinion haha
If I were you, I would have focused more on an event..you want to tell too much in so less words. try to concentrate in one moment and from that moment try to extract deeper concepts
Hope this helps..
Disheartened and unsure
pick one or the other you dont need both if your looking to cut words :P
Thereafter, I constantly remind myself to embrace challenges to build confidence in overcoming future obstacles.
Instead write "This experience have encouraged me to embrace challenges and to overcome future obstacles with confidence." and put it with the last paragraph.
I like this one better than your previous draft. its definately stronger with that extra example. best of luck!
oh and if you have the time plz read my GWU essays.
I was excited to learn the basics of Algebra II. > cut basics out? since you dont use it other places
Thereafter, I constantly remind myself to embrace challenges to build confidence in overcoming future obstacles. < the sentence is too long i would revise it
it is a strong topic, it shows your determination in school.
i agree with the poster above. try and work on your flow throughout the essay because it seems a little choppy. if you have time could you take a look at mine please?
I kinda felt the first ending was better because it states that u've gained a new found spirit and will use it to tackle future challenges
idk how to make the transition smoother for the middle part srry xD
After two slow weeks, I was finally able to understand the lecture...
this way sounds better because the second clause is now stronger than the first. in the original, the two clauses were equals.
like the first choice better but if it seems too abrupt to u, connect it with the rest of the essay.
"In the end, i learned not only Algebra II, but also the value of embracing challenges" or something like that
Overall Great essay but i think you should consider :
After some consideration, I realized that my teacher was right. Determined to conquer the basics of Algebra II in order to understand the advanced topics, I constantly practiced problems in the train . Once I arrive home, I would watch introductory videos till late at night. Two weeks passed slowly and I was finally able to understand the lecture and finish my assignments without others' help.
I think you should replace that with a simple " As time passed I became better at math" or whatever you wish to put make it simple
I don't know if I'm too late, but I really liked the final revision, especially the concluding sentence - it really nicely ties in what you talked about with what you learned and took out of the experience.
