In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.
Alive, Surprising and Curious are three words that describe me best. I feel that any characteristic I embody can be stripped down to one of those words. I thought about the prompt all day and the words came to me as I paid special attention to everything I did.
Every Monday I wake up around six-thirty in the morning, shower, get dressed, grab some sugared-down coffee, jump in Burgy, my old Toyota Corolla, and drive the thirty-six miles to my school in San Francisco, CA. Though I didn't feel it right when I woke up, as I drove to school today, I felt alive. I was alive. Alive meaning that I am full of life; I am capable of anything.
Once I parked and walked into the Jewish Community High School of the Bay, greeted Bobby, my favorite security guard, and stuck my tongue out at DJ, the receptionist, it was time to go to Tefilah.
I grew up non-affiliated to Judaism, but for some reason, I woke up during my Freshman year at Folsom High School, surprised myself and decided to go to a Jewish School 136 miles away from home. Even though I grew up not knowing these morning prayers and hating them once I did learn about them, I surprised myself by catching on. Now I can lead morning prayers, only two short years from joining the quirky world of Judaism. I'm a surprising person. I like showing people that I am so much more than what they see and expect.
So today in Tefilah, I participated like usual, but not with the monotonous, know-it-all tone I usually have. I was enticed by my own knowledge and, I guess, surprised at how alive I felt.
Next period, my AP Biology class was gathering around my teacher who had a dead chicken on a cutting board. Gross, was my first thought. Then, my teacher started to take it apart. I was so curious. My finger was almost chopped off because I grabbed for the liver before she put the knife down. My gag reflex disappeared because I was so intrigued with the inner workings of a seemingly simple animal. For two seconds, I wanted to rip my own rib cage open, just see what it looked like. Thankfully we have a 3D human body diagram in the classroom to stop curious kids like me.
Later, like every Monday, the student government, met at lunch. I am the Student Activities Executive. Knesset brings out my curiosity in others opinions and I am able to surprise my peers with great ideas and successful mediation. Leading my peers and representing their voice to the administration makes me feel alive.
Boston University, in my opinion, needs alive minds. Not that the University is looking for cadavers. BU is the best place for kids who can identify the fire inside of them, the burning passion to learn and understand the world. Every morning I wake up with that consuming and contagious determination in my heart. My school has successfully managed to bring out my curiosity, not just in academics, but also in life. I don't ask for answers; I find them myself. It surprises me everyday where my curiosity and need to feel alive take me.
Help! I need to cut down almost 50 words.
All criticism is welcomed. Be as harsh as needed.
Leave links to your essays, I will comment back.
I really like this, the energy and momentum builds up throughout the essay, just like the real you :)
I think the one thing that would really help your essay is the intro. I suggest you start with more of a hook.
Maybe something like:
"6:30 am. To the blaring sound of the alarm clock, I jump out of bed, shower, get dressed, grab my coffee, and jump into Burgy, my old Toyota Corolla, ready for my daily thirty-six mile drive to my school in San Francisco, CA..."
Its a bit more catchy and exciting and sets your writing apart more.
Its funny because you describe your morning incredibly well and I can feel like I am with you (not just because I have done it with you many a time).
Your second 2 paragraphs are great, I think if you just work with the first one you will end up with a wonderful.
Excellent. You don't only explain three words that best describe you but also take the reader to a tour of your entire day. I like it. Good, you are able to attach three words to yourself but also extensively expound on why they are so descriptive of you with numerous, relatable examples.
What I'm just concerned about, however, is the casual tone throughout the piece. Maybe BU wants that, I don't know. But, maybe it's best to check that out with someone who knows what BU is looking for.
The other thing is, it's kind of self-congratulatory, but you are supposed to describe yourself, so maybe that's ok for this essay.
With regards to grammar, I don't find any obvious errors, but I can be mistaken.
Overall, like I mentioned earlier, excellent.
Peace, and thank you for commenting on my essay.
Cheers,
tommy-j
Yeah I suggest making the title of the essay Alive Surprising and Curious and then just start right off the bat with the 6:30 am etc. suggestion!
I was skeptical of your 3-word choice at first ("alive" seemed redundant even though I knew what you meant), but you backed them up really well and with great conviction. Great examples too, the a-day-in-the-life approach is fun to read and insightful into one's character.
I think everyone's pretty much addressed the word count and casual tone already. "Tefilah" would confuse people who don't know much about Judaism, though, if you can elaborate a bit without using valuable word space, that could be helpful.
Overall, I like it lots, it has an energy and vigor that I think colleges look for. C:
thanks again for commenting on my essay~
I do not recommend just listing your three words in the beginning as your introductory sentence, after seeing a lot of essays it is very common. I enjoyed your solid examples and how they related to everyday experiences! Overall i would definitely add the above edits. And by the way, alive and surprising are very close in definition in the way that you put it in your examples.
Please take a look at my essay and give me honest and harsh feedback! Much appreciated!
...can be traced back to stripped down to one of those words.
In this kind of sentence you can omit the comma that messes up the rhythm:
Though I didn't feel it right when I woke up, as I drove to school today I felt alive. ------> it is okay to omit that 2nd comma, because the thought you are expressing involves both feeling alive and driving to school. Plus, it is good to omit the comma, because it makes the rhythm of the sentence nicer.
You already write very well, so you should work on subtleties like that! Check out Strunk and White's Elements of Style and King's On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft.
thanks for becoming a contributor!
:-)
