Please help me. Any comments welcome!!!
Prompt: Why are you interested in Allegheny College? (your response is quite important to the admission committee.)
I am an advocate and artist who likes math and speaks English, Japanese, and Korean. I stare at my sketchbook, calculator, Japanese dictionary, and picture of kids I met during Volunteers' Club on my desk, depicted in the front cover of Allegheny's handbook. I look at the yellow word "unusual" and the sky blue word "combinations". Yes, everything on my desk now is what I like to do. Even though it appears unusual from the outside, I never thought what I like to do and what I am doing are unusual combinations. I just don't like to be put in a box. Attracted the big yellow word "unusual," my fingers grip the side of the paper to figure out whether my interests and talents are "unusual combinations" in Allegheny or not.
Pictures of students. I like the feeling that the smiling faces portrayed in those pictures seem very happy and real. A big picture on the left side, everyone is so different from each other while everyone is in the same building. I imagine my picture there, among those people, advertising community services for kids to other students like people handing out the red papers to others in the left side of picture, and the red letters "CDSH" behind them catch my attention even though I do not know what it is. I realize my smiling, as I would smile if I were there, in my future picture. The next pages kept me throughout attracted. From the feelings that pictures gave me, I got little sense of what is means to be an Allegheny student. The handbook introduced Sara who is political scientist, journalist, economist, senator, social chair, publicity chair, vice president, campus tour guide, and freshman seminar advisor. How can she do all these things? I was amazed at how many incredible opportunities Allegheny provides to their student and how students enjoy their opportunities in diverse ways. I also met Dr. O'brien and Dr. Bulman, professors who enjoy their activities as well as students. I also encountered Lauren who studied semester abroad in Germany. One of my biggest dreams has always been traveling and meeting new people, culture, and the world. In addition, Allegheny's Study Abroad and EL Travel Seminars seem like an exciting, rewarding chance to fulfill my passion. Erika gave me an image of the volunteering at local community.
After further research on Allegheny's website, I could picture myself as a member of "Habitat for Humanity", "International Club", and "Peace Coalition". Every person I met in the handbook, with their unique interests, talents, and passions, helped me understand that Allegheny is very unique place for students who are able to look at things from diverse sides. I am almost to the back cover of handbook. I skim through Allegheny's Programs of Study, to find where my passion fits in. "Values, Ethics & Social Action"-the perfect place for me to blend both my care for people in alienation, social isolation, and confusion and my desire to understand and help people. With minor in Communication Art and International Studies, I am thrilled by the amazing opportunities to make a positive impact on people, community, and the world. Combining all my interests and talents will enable me to add up to one outstanding social worker who speaks three different languages, draws and paints well, solves complex calculus problems for fun, and makes the world better in the future. It is the last page of the handbook, and I touched the side of the paper to finish my reading. I close my eyes and smile. I slip back to the front cover, and stare the word "unusual combination". Now, I know why my interests, talents, and passions are "unusual combination" and why it fit in Allegheny.
I think it fits the other prompt: Briefly describe your unusual combinations of interests and talents and how they will fit at Allegheny.
Shall I use this essay for "Why" or "my unusual combinations"? Please help me. My first language is not English, so I may have lots of grammar mistakes. HELP.
I just don't like to be put in a box--why people limit their labels while they can do in other areas.
This sentence should be rewritten, I think. Actually, just make it a short sentence!----> I just don't like to be put in a box.
You don't need that extra part. It's confusing, anyway.
This looks like two sentences meshed together: I like their smiling faces portrayed in those pictures seem very happy and real. Maybe it should be like this:
I like the fact that the smiling faces portrayed in those pictures seem very happy and real.
Alright, the stream of consciousness stuff has to end right at the beginning of paragraph 2. That is my idea, not necessarily the best idea, but... it is what I think. It is necessary to balance the (very high quality, impressive) reflection in the intro with some real substance in the body of the essay. You got really abstract in that intro para, so balance it with a very concrete explanation of your clear intentions for the future, your clear plan.
Oh, I see that you do indeed cover your plan, interests, and so forth! But near the middle of the essay I started feeling like it was going to lack substance.
Your first para ends with this:
fingers grip the side of the paper to figure out what and unusual combinations in Allegheny.
I think that should be rewritten. Replace it with a sentence that presents your specific combination of interests. For example, I might be a psychology major specializing in cognitive and behavioral therapy, and this combines with my interest in music to make me particularly well-suited to work with children as a music therapist.
Make sure you really show that you understand their prompt, their challenge to express your personal alchemy of interests, which might include... three major interests. I think you should consider naming those three interests at the end of the first paragraph.
:-)
Thank you so much, Kevin!!! :)
I fixed it. There are two supplement essays: one is "Why are you interested in Allegheny?", and another is "Describe my "unusual combinations" and how it will fit in Allegheny.
So, for "Why" essay, I did not mention my interests and talents specifically because the other essay ask me to describe it. Do you think I should mention it specifically even though I will explain it in the other essay?
I really appreciate your help!
EF_Kevin
I notice that how awkward it was to go to paragraph 2 from 1. I fixed it. Do you think it sounds better? Thank you for helping me, Kevin! I really appreciate your help form bottom of my heart! Hope you have a awesome Valentine's Day!
[...] People call me "weirdo" because they believe art and math does not belong together and speaking three other language does not help being a social worker. Attracted the big yellow word "unusual," my fingers grip the side of the paper to figure out how people in Allegheny with unusual combinations work with their unique compliment and whether my multiple labels are going to be fit in Allegheny or not.
Pictures of students. I like the fact the smiling faces portrayed in those pictures seem very happy and real.
[...] Erika gave me an image of the volunteering at local community.
After further research on Allegheny's website, I could picture myself as a member of "Habitat for Humanity", "International Club", and "Peace Coalition".
[...] I close my eyes and smile. I slip back to the front cover, and stare the word "unusual combination". Now, I know how my interests, talents, and passions will fit in Allegheny. Consequently, I also know it makes a perfect combination in Allegheny just as other students and professors in Allegheny.
Attracted the big yellow word "unusual," my fingers I grip the side of the paper and people in wonder about how Allegheny students go about pursuing unusual combinations of interests. work with their unique compliment and whether my multiple labels are going to be fit in Allegheny or not. this sentence was really complex! I think simplifying it was necessary! You were trying to make a nice transition, but you ended up turning this sentence into a monster. :-)
Transition by adjusting the intro of the next para:
Pictures of students. Still staring at the photograph, I like the fact the smiling faces...
:-)
