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"allergic to mangoes, the Chinese festival" - talent, UC university california


lindachang 1 / 4  
Nov 7, 2010   #1
I'm not so sure about the expression, and it's a little bit too long. I'm a newcomer and could somebody please help me to revise and cut it. THANKS!!!

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Feb, 2008, I got to know that I was allergic to mangoes.

I woke up in a morning, only to feel the immense itching on my face. That was our third day in Boracay, Philippines, a beautiful island where all my family members spent the Chinese Spring Festival. We just had a peaceful new year's eve last night.

I was frightened, wondering if I were still in my dream. But after I pinched myself for several times, I realized that I was awake in the cruel reality and my face was full of red rashes. As a teenage girl, I thought I was thrown into hell.

The following days were filled with pain, and worse still, I could hardly open my eyes. Father still had to accompany my grandparents and uncle's family to travel, for he is the eldest son in this family and none of us wanted to ruin our grandparents' joy and precious opportunity to travel abroad with their sons. Since there was no formal hospital in this small island, mother, who used to be a doctor, tried her best to make me feel better, day and night. Though she did not display her sorrow, I could feel the grief through her touch when she gingerly changed dressing and saline for me. She suffered more than me. While I was lying in bed with tears in silence and despair, mother read books and jokes to me, searched for all delicious food around that might provoke my appetite, and kept telling me that my condition had greatly improved. She was trying to brighten up her daughter's heart to the best she can.

For the next couple of days, I found myself asking for a mirror to check my "horrible" face courageously and even a walk outside the room, but absolutely with a pair of big sun glasses to hide my face. On hearing my request, mother was excited as a kid. We walked along the beach shoulder to shoulder, feeling the calmness in the long-lost warm sunshine and listening to the sound of the sea. Mother said, "You are still that beautiful, and you are always my lovely daughter." I shed tears, again.

Finally, the day to go back home came, and I was a lot better. Every time I was stopped at a custom counter of airport because of the difference between my current appearance and the photo on my passport, my parents, grandparents, uncle and aunty, and even my 7-year-old little sister would stand out together to explain for me, trying to protect the vulnerable me from hurt. I felt moved rather than wounded. This is all because of love.

I am not writing this essay to tell how strong I was in face of adversity, but how weak human can be. Without love and support of family in hard times, I could not make it through. If I have learnt anything at all through this experience, it is the power of family and responsibility of being a family member.
gomoksh 5 / 13  
Nov 7, 2010   #2
the essay must emphasise YOUR strengths...try not to highlight your weaknesses...tell us how the event borught about a significant change in you and focus on that change...
OP lindachang 1 / 4  
Nov 8, 2010   #3
Thanks a lot. My friend said that this essay should focus on "proud"...only telling the experience is not enough...but what I wanna show is love of family and the process by which I understand that point.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 16, 2010   #4
But after I pinched myself for several times, I realized that I was awake in the cruel reality and my face was full of red rashes.

She suffered more than me I did.

I am not writing this essay to tell how strong I was in face of adversity, but how weak human can be. -------This is my favorite sentence in the whole essay, but I would like to change the word "weak" to the word "vulnerable."

I also think it would be good if you did not even mention mangoes, because the kind of allergy is not important. I would like it if you stayed mysterious and did not tell the reader the cause of the red rash. This essay would be more intriguing if you never told the reader what caused the rash. But you should tell more about how it looked, because that is what will make the reader feel emotional.

:-)
OP lindachang 1 / 4  
Nov 23, 2010   #5
thanks a lot for your suggestion...but I'm not sure if this essay is focused on ME and my strength.
I wrote a totally different one about my organizational ability...sth not that emotional. However, I still love the feelings this essay created and I think this one is more unique.

I'll put the new essay on now.


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