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It allowed me to discover my passion for business ; UC Transfer Prompt #1


shmee2 1 / 1  
Nov 25, 2012   #1
Hi! I'm planning on transferring to a UC next fall and finished my essay. I'm applying to UCI, UCB and UCLA :) If you guys can read it over and give me feed back I would really appreciate it! Thank You!

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

As a high school student, I was ambitious and a little too confident with my abilities in getting into a top notch school. Needless to say, I felt like my dreams shattered when I enrolled in community college while I watched my friends go to four year universities right out of high school. Little did I know then, community college was going to be able to offer me a broad spectrum of options and would open many different doors of opportunity for me. It allowed me to discover my passion for business and I realized that a career in health care administration was where I could pursue my passion and where I could excel.

When I enrolled into community college, I was majoring in biology, intending to pursue a career in medicine. However, when I turned 18, I began to get heavily involved with my family business. While I have always taken part whenever I was needed, now, I am a co-partner alongside my dad in our farming business. Farming is so much more than harvesting a fruit and selling it to a manufacturer. It is essential to have a deep knowledge of the aspects that can differentiate a successful business from an unsuccessful one, as well as an understanding of economics and how it can fluctuate the success all on its own. My dad has built our business from the ground up and has expanded greatly over the past decade. With our business becoming so large, I took on more responsibility and now handle the management, marketing and financial portion of the family business. I have assumed all management duties, including hiring, training and overseeing workers .Throughout the year, I have learned how to market to gain a buyers' interest in our products, and have obtained many new buyers, not only from the United States, but overseas as well. Having responsibility of finances allows me to see where our money is going and where it is coming in from, and if we are allocating it correctly.

While I was so involved with the business, I was going to school full time, where I was still taking sciences classes. I was confused and did not know what direction I should go in my life. I absolutely loved the idea of being in the healthcare field as well as the concepts and ideas behind running a business. When the idea of being a health care administrator fell into my lap, I could not help but be ecstatic. I love to help people and would love to work in a hospital setting, and while being a doctor would satisfy those wants, it would not fulfill my craving to be in the business field. My work experience with business and my volunteer experiences in the healthcare field have enriched my want to fulfill my dreams. I know exactly what I want, and obtaining a business degree can get me one step closer to achieving my goals.
OP shmee2 1 / 1  
Nov 26, 2012   #2
Does anyone have any suggestions? Any little bit would help!
amandaco 5 / 11  
Dec 5, 2012   #3
"a little to confident IN my abilities"
"and realize that a career in health care administration was where I could pursue my passion and excel."
"I enrolled at (College name) as a biology major" You were not majoring yet and saying you went to a community college too often doesn't sound great, even if it was a good experience.

"involved IN my family business"
"As our business grew, I took on more responsibility. I currently handle"
"portionS"
"where our money is coming from, where it is going, and if we are allocating it correctly."
"science classes"
"absolutely loved" is a bit too informal
"love to help people and love" - too much love!
reduce amount of times you say "want" in the last paragraph

Nice job!
If you get the chance, check out my essay.

Good luck getting in!


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