Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
"Almost at the bottom!"
That was what my mom shouted after she skimmed my high school transcript. I ignored her. As a student, I was hopeless, but I had my own "world." When it came to Counter Strike, the first person shooting video game, I was quite a promising player: my team participated in the World Cyber-Games, a well-known world video game tournament, in 2004. I was indispensable for the team as more a strategist than a mere player. When we had team practice, I usually checked in advance all plausible routes that enemies could invade, setting grenade traps to fool them so that they were easily taken down by my teammates. The strategies were invaluable for the team because I never made any of the plans without fastidiously simulating enough. It seemed the game was the only objective I had to conquer in my life.
However, the deliberated tactics did not take effect on my real life. When my high school grade declined so abruptly about to which I could find my self I had nothing left to expect from my school life, I, without knowing, finished eleventh grade, and put myself on the way of choices for rest of my life. Even though I figured my talent was born to play video games, it was so uncreative to devote my entire life to a visual world "someone" had made. Whatever I decided at the time, the choice was destined to affect my entire life critically, mediating the path to the future and dream. What really exactingly mattered was not doing something but finding what to do.
Supposing myself 'The hardest thing is the most meaningful,' I unfolded my transcript and began to find on what subject I scored the lowest. As expected, there was a course that I always got less points to acquire a C, so I immediately rushed to the nearby bookstore and bought 'Math 200 Problems,' the most difficult problem book among the study materials published by Educational Broadcasting System (EBS) in Korea. Solving numerous complicated problems, I felt they are difficult to the extent that I could not help disgusting and having a severe headache. However, as the inner side of me kept saying 'This feeling demonstrates I am alive,' I somehow got accustomed to the "joyful pain" which enhanced my ability to pass limits.
One day in class, teacher asked me to solve a problem regarding the slope of a trigonometric graph. Trying not to be nervous, I took a glimpse of the problem on the black board. Although it looked extremely complicated, I drew the three basic graphs of trigonometric, only what I knew at the time, to solve it. The teacher and other students laughed at me because she intended to teach the differentiation. But as soon as I wrote '22.5' on the board, her jaw dropped. It was the right answer and also a reasonable result from my persistence that confirmed every trigonometric problem is based on the basic concepts of the trigonometry. I was worthy of 'a student' for the first time.
Mathematics had a strong appeal. Starting from the point of distinct dichotomy of true and false, the study thoroughly asked the relationships between objects, making me feel that it was rather like a "language of gods." Therefore the 'limitlessness' of math fully stuffed the 'emptiness,' residing in my mind at the time. What's more, the pathological scrupulosity gained from the video game strategies was, later I found, suitable for solving mathematical problems. Every problem lacked one or several critical concepts or words from the definitions or theorems, so I had fun checking meticulously whether the answer choices demonstrated enough words to make themselves defensible. Usually, I delved into the logical concepts rather than just memorizing important equations and formulas. Based on definitions, I spent my whole day in order to prove all theorems to the extent which I did not need a text book to find out explanations again; I knew my studying style was time-consuming, but my innate characteristic compellingly have made me to analyze everything thoroughly. I realized I was fanatic to math after I found myself that one day I sat and literally did not stand up for 11 hours in order to figure out the relationship between differential and integral calculus in three-dimensional space on my own. It was the new continent, or the "new world" in my life.
After admitted from Korea University, I could have an opportunity to participate in a seminar provided by Lim Jong-in, a Korea University professor who majored in cryptography, where I learned the existence of cryptology, or cryptography by which I would be able to pursue my mathematical career with a fancy programing-related job. The mission of cryptographers, 'To hide information,' has fascinated me enough to register for the courses number theory and computer language although I knew it was a bit overwhelming to put myself in those kinds of senior-level lectures. Somehow, though, thanks to the audacity, the enlightenment of new math world had come to me given I learned how the system of cipher had developed, how the public key algorithm formed and what the relationship lied between prime numbers and RSA cipher system. The cryptology was ridiculously exciting theme among mathematical subjects.
But what I endeavor throughout my whole life is not just making money by math. My inherent desire, to find truth of life, has kept asking me to challenge to solve any unconquerable questions such as Riemann Hypothesis. I used to delve into the books, imagining my presence among the intelligent American mathematicians who frequently argue with me in a small cozy cafe. About a year before, not long time ago, Poincare Conjecture has solved by Grigori Perelman, a great Russian mathematician who agitated me afterwards. Even if he was living an impecunious life, his one-dimension-higher perspective and conception could not be bought with any amount of money in any currency. I hope my path of life will be like his. I willingly want to devote my entire life to the study to obtain the eye-sight with the level of higher dimension. By mastering the language of god.
Studying at the collage, I tried to read as many books and articles regarding to my future educational path as possible, which made me intolerable to accept that the United States is an ideal place to study math as well as the country's good atmosphere to study English, the language most widely used when it came down to mathematics. Unlike Korea, in addition, whose industry usually does not employ pure scientists on the contrary to its economists and MBA graduates, "it was not almost impossible to make a good career in America as a mathematician," as I found on the memoir of John Nash, a renowned mathematician and a Nobel Prize laureate in Economic Science. Moreover, every time I saw a bunch of prominent math experts' names, it was indisputable that they could have opportunities to work in really great institutes that employ pure math mavens, such as Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey, and Clay Mathematics Institute in Cambridge, Massachusetts, both of which located in the United States of America.
Serving the two-year duty for the military service at the 37th Infantry Division of the Korean Army, I learned English and prepared to study abroad by osmosis myself in order to achieve my desire for continuing study in United States after service. Hence it might not be just a coincidence as well that I could gather people and found the Community of English Language and Learning, the online community for English learning and studying abroad, in which I could meet various people, one of whom introduced the prominent and competitive milieu of erudite scholars of American universities. My life has been fluctuating so far, but I feel like the way it is meant to be. The chain of destiny consists of events from that I strategized for video game competitions to that I was enlightened by a simple, awkward suppose, not mentioning the opportunity that enabled me to be the administrator the best English community on the military intranet in Korea. What I have been doing was nothing but putting swimming trunks on and warming up in front of a big river. But how can I learn swimming stroke without diving? It is time to plunge into the river.
I recommend moving those first 3 sentences to paragraph 2.
Paragraph 1:
As a student, I was hopeless, but I had my own virtual world. When it came to Counter Strike, the first person shooting video game, I was quite a promising player: my team participated in the ... seemed the game was the only objective I had to conquer in my life.
Paragraph 2:
"Almost at the bottom!"
That was what my mom shouted after she skimmed my high school transcript. I ignored her.
You should include in paragraph 2 a reference to plunging into a river. Then, try to shorten this by at least 100 words or so... take out one hundred of the weakest, least useful sentences. They only require 250 words, so 500 words is plenty. This essay could be more powerful if it was trimmed down just a little.
Finally, in the last paragraph, refer back to that river-plunge reference from paragraph 2, and then it will feel very complete when you end with:
It is time to plunge into the river.
:-)
Thank you for your words!
I'll work for it :)
I rechecked my essay.
First of all, I re-arranged the order of sentence as you recommended.
But I need a hook at the head of the essay... Isn't it good for readers to start from the hook (here, "Almost at the bottom!") ?
And can an essay with more than 1400 words be a problem...?
I CAN reduce "unnecessary" words but those are also sort of necessary words... to demonstrate myself. If it is mandatory and you think the college admission officers won't take a look at my essay I'll definitely reduce it.
Please give me reply--although I know you are busy!
I followed your recommendation and revised it myself ;p
Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
As a student, I was hopeless, but I had my own virtual world. When it came to Counter Strike, the first person shooting video game, I was indispensable for my team, which participated in the World Cyber-Games, a well-known world video game tournament, in 2004. . For every team practice, I, as more a strategist than a mere player, usually checked in advance all plausible routes that enemies could invade, setting grenade traps so that easily taking down them. Never making any of the plans without fastidiously simulating enough, it seemed the game was the only objective I had to conquer in my life.
"Almost at the bottom!" That was what my mom shouted after she skimmed my high school transcript. I ignored her. "You are swimming in the wrong river which ends with a disasterous waterfall," she replied to my silence. Whatever the end was, I did not care, being so sure that I was doing what I really enjoyed. What was it a big deal if I had enough skills to re-channel my direction any time, not mentioning that it was not fully proven that I was swimming in the "wrong river"? I thought I could do whatever if I really wanted to.
However, the deliberated tactics in the gaming world not easily took effect on my real life. When my high school grade declined so abruptly about to which I could find myself I had nothing left to expect from my school life, I, without recognizing, finished eleventh grade, and put myself on the way of choices for rest of my life. Even though I figured my talent was born to play video games, it seemed so uncreative to devote my entire life to a visual world "someone" had made. Losing the purpose of playing the video game was destined to affect my entire life critically, mediating the path to the future. What really exactingly mattered, citing my mother's words, was not swimming itself but finding out where to swim.
Supposing myself 'The hardest thing is the most meaningful,' I unfolded my transcript and began to find on what subject I scored the lowest. As expected, there was a course that I always got less points to acquire a C, so I immediately rushed to the nearby bookstore and bought 'Math 200 Problems,' the most difficult problem book among the published by Educational Broadcasting System (EBS) in Korea. Solving hundreds of complicated problems, I felt they are extremely difficult that I could not help disgusting and having severe headaches. However, as the inner side of me kept guessing 'This feeling demonstrates I am alive,' I somehow got accustomed to the "joyful pain" which enhanced my ability to pass limits.
One day in class, teacher asked me to solve a problem regarding the slope of a trigonometric graph. Trying not to be nervous, I took a glimpse of the problem on the black board. Although it looked extremely complicated, I drew the three basic graphs of trigonometric, only what I knew at the time, to solve it. The teacher and other students laughed at me because she intended to teach the differentiation. But as soon as I wrote '22.5' on the board, her jaw dropped. It was the right answer and also a reasonable result from my persistence that confirmed every trigonometric problem is based on the basic concepts of the trigonometry. I was worthy of 'a student' for the first time.
Mathematics had a strong appeal. Starting from the point of distinct dichotomy of true and false, the study thoroughly asked the relationships between objects, making me feel that it was rather like a "language of gods." Therefore the 'limitlessness' of math fully stuffed the 'emptiness,' residing in my mind at the time. What's more, the pathological scrupulosity gained from the video game strategies was, later I found, suitable for solving mathematical problems. Every problem lacked one or several critical concepts or words from the definitions or theorems, so I had fun checking meticulously whether the answer choices demonstrated enough words to make themselves defensible. Usually, I delved into the logical concepts rather than just memorizing important equations and formulas. Based on definitions, I spent my whole day in order to prove all theorems to the extent which I did not need a text book to find out explanations again; I knew my studying style was time-consuming, but my inborn characteristic compellingly have made me to analyze everything thoroughly. I realized I was fanatic to math after I found myself that one day I sat and literally did not stand up for 11 hours in order to figure out the relationship between differential and integral calculus in three-dimensional space on my own. It was the new continent, or the "new river" in my life.
After admitted from Korea University, I could have an opportunity to participate in a seminar provided by Lim Jong-in, a math professor, where I learned the existence of cryptology, or cryptography by which I would be able to pursue my mathematical career with a fancy programing-related job. The mission of cryptographers, 'To hide information,' has fascinated me enough to register for the courses of number theory and computer language although I knew it was a bit overwhelming to put myself in those kinds of senior-level lectures. Somehow, though, thanks to my audacity, an enlightenment of a new kind of math had come to me given I learned how the system of cipher had developed, how the public key algorithm formed and what the relationship lied between prime numbers and RSA cipher system. The cryptology was ridiculously exciting theme among mathematical subjects.
But what I endeavored throughout my whole life was not just making money by math. My inherent desire, to find truth of life, has kept asking me to challenge to solve any unconquerable questions such as Riemann Hypothesis. I used to delve into the math books, imagining my presence among the intelligent American mathematicians who frequently argue with me in a small, cozy cafe. About a year before, not long time ago, Poincare Conjecture has solved by Grigori Perelman, a great Russian mathematician who agitated me afterwards. Even if he was living an impecunious life, his one-dimension-higher perspective and conception could not be bought with any amount of money in any currency. I hope my path of life will be like his. I willingly want to devote my entire life to the study to obtain the eyes toward the level of higher dimension. By mastering the language of god.
Studying at the collage, I tried to read as many books and articles regarding to my future educational path as possible, which made me intolerable to accept that the United States is an ideal place to study math as well as the country's good atmosphere to study English, the language most widely used when it came down to mathematics. Unlike Korea, in addition, whose industry usually does not employ pure scientists on the contrary to its economists and MBA graduates, "it was not almost impossible to make a good career in America as a mathematician," as I found on the memoir of John Nash, a renowned mathematician and a Nobel Prize laureate in Economic Science. Moreover, every time I saw a bunch of prominent math experts' names, it was indisputable that they could have charming opportunities to work at great institutes that employ pure math mavens, such as Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey, and Clay Mathematics Institute in Cambridge, Massachusetts, both of which located in the United States of America.
Serving the two-year duty for the military service at the 37th Infantry Division of the Korean Army, I learned English and prepared to study abroad by osmosis myself in order to achieve my desire for continuing study in United States after service. Hence it might not be just a coincidence as well that I found the Community of English Language and Learning, the online community for English learning and studying abroad, in which I could meet various people, one of whom introduced the prominent and competitive milieu of erudite scholars of American universities. My life has been fluctuating so far, but I feel like the way it is meant to be. The chain of destiny consists of events from that I strategized for video game competitions to that I was enlightened by a simple, awkward suppose, not mentioning the opportunity that enabled me to be the administrator of the best English community on the military intranet in Korea. What I have been doing was nothing but putting swimming trunks on and warming up in front of a big river. But how can I learn swimming stroke without diving?
It is time to plunge into the river.
yh I guess it is time to plunge. the essays is well written and corrections have being made.
Aren't there any criticisms?
Please give me any of idea you have!!
Because I'm foreigner when it comes to using English, I don't really sure if college admission officer can understand what I am talking about ;p
But I need a hook at the head of the essay... Isn't it good for readers to start from the hook (here, "Almost at the bottom!") ?
Yes, but the way you begin still hooks my attention. As a student, I was hopeless... that is good stuff!! Good writing.
I really don't know about if it is too many words, because every school is different. As you cut unnecessary words, though, remember that sometimes words that seem necessary are not really necessary. Writing can be like a subtle sketch that leaves out some details and suggests things elegantly.
:-)
"A subtle sketch that leaves out some details and suggets things elegantly"
What an awesome description!
Thank you Kevin, I'll keep revising this essay till March because the due day is in April.
But if you please, do not erase this thread: I still want to hear from as many as possible.
Nope, don't worry, I won't delete your thread. :-)
It is very well written, the introduction really catches my attention!
Kevin // thx!
donkey101 // thx, I'm a bit embarrassed because I rarely have any opportunity to use English. I'm still affraid of using indirect or wrong sentences. The introduction could be completed thx to EF_Kevin's help!
what a story :)
It was very interesting.
I think all the paragraphs are connected very well.
Your story really catches the attention of the reader, and it is a wonderful one, but I think it is a tad too long.
link2314 // Thank you for your compliment!
marcee34 // Thank you for your advice, I am willing to reduce it and want to put the eliminated part in the additional information. But I don't know how to start. Any suggestions, please?
I rarely have any opportunity to use English.
It's too bad you have to work so hard an become bilingual. I wish I was bilingual. You should be very proud and confident. Practice by reading books that you love in English. One good one is the Power of Now by Tolle. Read the Chinese version and also the English, and practice English by reading the whole book aloud from start to finish. You MUST read it aloud and actually speak the words. That deeply teaches your brain :-D
You could cut out all of this:
As a student, I was hopeless..Or you could find a way to write all that in a single sentence. But actually it would be good to get rid of ALL that stuff about the video games and how you got bad grades, and start with the good stuff:
One day in class, teacher asked me to solve a problem regarding the slope of a trigonometric graph. Trying not to be nervous, I took a glimpse of the problem on the black board....
That is an excellent start.
Kevin // Thank you so much! After I do this I'll post up the 500 words version.
And I'll look out for the book (but I'm Korean not Chinese man!! lol)
Ha hahaha, well, I was guessing. We are all the same, anyway, we humans. :-)
Kevin, do I have to pay for deleting my tread, although it was soley written by myself?
Well I was about to ask you to delete this because when I asked my college advisor to write a letter of recommendation, she told me if college officers can google this essay they will take it as a plagiarism itself and that would be not good for both of us. I thought this web site is totally run by ideas not money; maybe I should've read the policy of the site carefully.
So I ask you, can you get my essay off this site?
Otherwise I will have to write a new essay rather than diminish words.
Thank you Kevin for your all help.
I think I may be able to end up having a suitable essay for my application.
Have a good day :)
If someone Googles this essay and finds it here they will see your name next to it and know it is yours. Yes, you should indeed read the TOS before participating in a forum; the way this forum works is that we provide help and you allow your essay to be added to the collection for everyone's benefit. I think the policy right now is that an essay can be removed but you have to pay some kind of fee.
No problem Kevin, anyhow this is not my final one.
Thank you again for giving me so much help.
Have a good day :)
