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"America can change. Yes we can." UC #1


alexteele 3 / 3  
Nov 29, 2008   #1
This is the essay i wrote to answer the UC prompt 1, please provide insight, correct grammar errors, or give any suggestions to improve the content of this essay! Thank You in Advance!

"America can change. Yes we can."
Barack Obama is my definition of change. He overcame monumental odds, shattered the unbreakable barriers of race, fought through adversity and all while maintaining a great presence of leadership. I want to be like Obama, I want to break though the barriers that have surrounded me since the day I was born.

Since my youth, I have attended schools that compose largely of Vietnamese Americans. Many families, much like my own, have fled prejudice from our homelands in search for freedom and opportunity. Majority of these people now reside in the City of Orange County California, mainly in Westminster and Garden Grove area. My family and I are among those people who have clustered themselves because of the culture familiarity and the comfort that comes hand in hand, but I am ready for a change. For the past 17 years of my life, I have always been surrounded by the same ethnic traditions, the same cultures, and stuck in the same nest but I am ready to spread my wings and venture into the unknown. Whether I fall short and plummet to my death or successfully glide through the air, I am determined to be the many few that inflict change in my community.

I have endured the hardships of adjusting to a new culture, persevered through the language barrier and succeeded. I am the first generation from my family to attend college and possess the opportunity to impose change. My parents and I have difficult times communicating because they cannot speak the language but what they lack in words make up with immense support. I do not want to be pitied by anyone because I come from an uneducated background or that my parent does not speak English; rather, I demand respect! I have persevered through all the hardships, learned to be independent and established a solid work ethic all by myself.

I am slowly chipping away at the barrier that surrounds me; I have in my hands determination and hard-work as my primary tools to completely demolish the sphere. My goal and aspiration for life is to constitute change for myself, my family and my community. I will be different, I will make a difference, I will succeed, Yes, I can!
randomzm 10 / 20  
Nov 29, 2008   #2
Although I love Obama (worked on his campaign), this essay doesn't do it for me. I think if you chose a less shallow beginning quote, say one from his speech on race relations, it would be a LOT better, only because right now it reads like childish admiration rather than inspiration.

Majority of these people now reside in the City of Orange County California, mainly in Westminster and Garden Grove area. --"City of Orange County" doesn't make sense, and this sentence is unnecessary anyway.

My family and I are among those people who have clustered themselves because of the culture familiarity and the comfort that comes hand in hand, but I am ready for a change. For the past 17 years of my life, I have always been surrounded by the same ethnic traditions, the same cultures, and stuck in the same nest but I am ready to spread my wings and venture into the unknown. Whether I fall short and plummet to my death or successfully glide through the air, I am determined to be the many few that inflict change in my community. --Very vague, cliche phrases. "ready for a change," "inflict change," what is this change? What do you want to do?

My goal and aspiration for life is to constitute change for myself, my family and my community. --rather than 'constitute change,' say something like 'embody positive change'

Good luck on this essay, I hope you do well!
OP alexteele 3 / 3  
Nov 29, 2008   #3
THANK YOU! for the advice, I will continue to work on this piece to improve its content.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 30, 2008   #4
Well, maybe Obama did use that phrase so much that it has gotten old... but maybe not, and at least this does show that you are interested in politics.

Like randomzm, I caught that last line:

My goal and aspiration for life is to constitute change for myself, my family and my community. I will be different, I will make a difference, I will succeed, Yes, I can!

I would revise this way:

My aspiration for life is to manifest change for myself, my family and my community. We can be different, and make a difference, as we rise to the occasion and succeed. Yes, we can!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 1, 2008   #5
Cool, I bet they'll love it.

Thanks!!!!


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