UGRAD ESSAY, why would you be a great participant
Wonderland that is my first impression about America; tall - modern building, smart people, clean environment, and blond, brunette, and raven interwoven into beautifulness of diversity. I wonder what makes america become amazingly mesmerize people. I also want to touch, feel and become part of its wonderfullness. That is my dream, unfortunatelly I am financially unable, untill I found UGRAD program and i know this is not impossible, my dream can be reachable.
My name is Ibesti Agenum Raningrum and right now I am studying at English Study Program in University of Bengkulu. I am interested in literature, people and animals - specially cats. Reading is my pleasure time and writing is my sport time. Eventhough I book-lover, no doubt I love people. People are like books for me. They can be unpredictable, twisted, boring or lovely. people are culture. Culture can be representation of someone e.g. Indonesian are friendly, Japannese are diligent and america is liberal-smart people. although it is not the primary judgement but I love to know why the world see them like that. I grow up in developing country, Indonesia, beautiful country with its unique diversity. Cultural is become a part of my life, so that is why the term "cultural exchange" is not unfamiliar for me. I love culture, it is an art and evidance of human therefore I join java organization (paguyuban) of kuda kepang, here i learn java culture as a dancer - eventhough I am not slim or have ideal body, i can do it well.
My focus If I get UGRAD program are; community service and cultural exchange. For me to serve is a greatness and work in team is common for me. My experiences of teamwork are; the first is, me with my friends run english club in university of bengkulu, our main focus is speaking ability. It is not an easy thing because they comes from many departments and have zero knowledge let alone ability, but I as the chief of english club 2016 and my friends try hard as much as we can. We present speakers and motivator and do the workshop to help them.
Then I participate as volunteer teacher in my neighborhood, I with my friends that lucky enough in education teach children and help them in their school lesson. Because the motivation of learning is low, children or teens in my hometown usually choose married in young age. They cannot continue because financially incapable or have low interest in studying. We want to help and with this we hope to increase their motivation. I was also volunteer teacher in juvenile prison. Unfortunately we cannot do it anymore for now because there are problems in administration. Eventhough it is not long enough, I was gaining my experiences from it. The juvenile kids is not what I was thought. They really cool kids to be a friends. They have great abilities such as
the last is I am volunteer in ILO of university of bengkulu. Me and my friends usually become the committe or be a guide for foreign guests. We also be an ambassador of our university. I love meeting strangers, the moments that I love the most when we talked about each others country, the culture or the uniqueness, then I know there so much things that I need to explore more.
Admittedly if I am going to America, it can be a great episode in my life because America is wonderland and i hope UGRAD is white rabbit because i am ready to be an Alice.
i hope there is somebody out there can review this, i need help, pleaseHolt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 ibesti, my opinion is that your first two paragraphs are an unnecessary presentation in this essay. it takes away from the focus of your abilities as a participant in the program. The academic background is something that will be represented in the documents you will be submitting to the program as part of the detailed considerations of your application. The strongest presentation of your essay starts in the third paragraph. I want you to concentrate, in particular on your socio-civic / community activities because these are activities that you could continue to promote or participate in as a UGrad scholar in the U.S. The scholarship is looking for participants who can make a difference during their semester abroad. As I read your essay, I was attracted by your participation as a volunteer teacher in your community. This, of all the information you presented, is what fully embodies the reasons why you would be an excellent UGrad participant. You can lose all the other aspects of your essay such as the first 2 paragraphs and the reference to the English club. If you also expand on your participation in the ILO within your university, you will be able to deliver the 2 most notable aspects of your application. These, in my opinion are the most highlightable reasons as to why you will make an excellent participant in the program.
My name is Ibesti Agenum Raningrum and right now I am studying at English Study Program in University of Bengkulu - Instead just write Currently, I am studying at English.... You will have short and more specific sentence.
Eventhough - seperate this.. Even though
... thing because they comes from many departments - they come (they is in plural form)
but I as the chief of english club 2016 and my friends - but as the chief og English club 2016, I and my friends (change the order)
You have more grammatical mistakes. Revise your essay.
