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'America is not the egalitarian state' - Cornell ILR Essay


jlavin8465 1 / 2  
Nov 6, 2011   #1
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. In your essay please address how the ILR curriculum will help you fulfill these interests and your long-term goals.

I used to hate people who begged for money on the subway. On my ride to school, these panhandlers would sing or dance, then badger me to make a donation. I would blatantly ignore them every time. Why would I sacrifice my own dollar for someone who was too lazy to work or to get an education? I didn't bother to look past their dirty, ragged clothes and listen to their stories, I would just pop in my ear buds and carry on.

Last fall, I began to volunteer at an afterschool program called the Specialized High School Institute (SHSI). SHSI aimed to help low-income 6th and 7th grade students gain admission to an elite NYC Specialized High School. I expected these kids to be the type that spent too much time playing video games instead of doing homework. To my surprise, many of them didn't even own a computer. They didn't go to schools where teachers pushed them, and they didn't have money to buy books or even school supplies. Many of them took the subway home by themselves - at 7:30PM. I realized that they couldn't be blamed if they didn't do well in the class. They didn't have the resources at their disposal, and they were left with a lot of responsibilities at such a young age.

This past summer, I interned at the Office of the Queens District Attorney. When my work was done, I liked to observe criminal court. Countless times I saw kids my own age or younger get sentenced for crimes such as assault, robbery, and drug possession. Some of them had parents who worked two or three jobs just to make ends meet, leaving the kids home to care for themselves, which subsequently led them to trouble. Most of them were members of minority groups, and the disadvantages that they had were evident. They weren't too lazy or too uneducated; they never had a chance to work or get an education in the first place. The same applied to the kids I worked with at SHSI. I thought of how shamefully ignorant I was. It's almost cruel to judge people and label them based on their success in society, because chances are, it wasn't a life that they willfully chose.

America is not the egalitarian state that it should be, and sometimes people are forced to go to drastic measures just to get by. Cornell's ILR School will allow me to learn about the labor economics and public policy that can make a difference. But for now, I'll do what I can. About a month ago, I was on the subway and a boy who was maybe 9 or 10 years old came into my car with a handheld stereo. He turned on some music, and began tap dancing. He stuck out his hat and I gave him a dollar.

Feedback?
andres - / 2  
Nov 7, 2011   #2
You should never write anything negative, not even if you clarify it later on by saying you've changed. So I would rephrase you introduciton instead of putting I used to hate, hate is a really strong word
OP jlavin8465 1 / 2  
Nov 12, 2011   #3
what about the rest of the essay?
icyblux3 - / 1  
Nov 12, 2011   #4
It's good but it seems a bit...short? I don't know the word limit for this essay, though.

Like the poster said above, hate is a strong word. The most important piece of writing a great essay is to show. Show, don't tell. So you could add a sentence or two about your behavior and attitude towards the beggars in the city and allow the reader interpret your attitude - have it be implied as hatred, ignorance, or any other terms.

I would suggest to have this clarified better, "I expected these kids to be the type that spent too much time playing video games instead of doing homework. To my surprise, many of them didn't even own a computer." This seems unclear... Move things around to make sure your intention behind this get across more straightforwardly so it won't look a bit awkward anymore.

"Some of them had parents who worked two or three jobs just to make ends meet, leaving the kids home to care for themselves, which subsequently led them to trouble." I sense irony in this so using literary devices are good to make the essay more interesting. So, make the irony more noticeable. Perhaps you could say, "Some of them had parents who worked as many as three jobs in an attempt to make their lives better only to have them end up being led to trouble, due to their absence of supervision, care, and guidance in their lives." I know my suggested sentence isn't that great but it shows the irony so you could find something that shows the irony more.

That's all I have for now. Hope it helps. :)


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