There are many achievements a person can accomplish in his or her lifetime that he or she will remember forever. For me, it certainly is being a American. It has been a while since I've achieved this, but I began working towards this goal back in the rural state of Punjab in India. I was inspired by the images that came on the English television channels. I wanted to be like the people I saw there. I would dream of speaking like them and living in a place like the ones on TV.
I got my break when my dad applied for our visa and it was accepted. In 2003, I came form the land of the Five Rivers to the Garden State. This is a culture shock to most people but not me. In fact, I had been anticipating this moment for a long time. This was probably one of the happiest moments of my life.
Being in American was not enough, though. I had a long way to go. I wanted to be a regular American kid. I wanted to speak like my peers and eat like them also. I had the dreams, but I barely spoke enough of the language to make them come true.
I asked myself how could I possibly learn this language. This is when I decided to fall back on what started my dream. I started watching a lot of American television. I used characters like Fez off That 70's Show to guide me since he was in similar circumstances. I also decided that I had to speak more to learn more, so I talked a lot in class at school. I would say random stuff to my classmates that I picked up from the TV. I knew I was making progress because I got their attention. They were paying attention to me, not only because of my strong accent, but because we enjoyed some the same TV shows.
I feel I have accomplished this goal now. I know this because not too long ago, my sister and the rest of my family said I was too American. This would be a insult to some people because they think that losing their traditional values is like the end of the world. I loved hearing this, though, because this was how I knew my hard work had paid off. I have no accent fit in with my classmates at school perfectly now. Most of them think that I was born in the US and are surprised when I tell them I was born in a village in India. Have I mentioned how much I love a good burger and pizza?
I believe this essay is too truthful, to a fault. I feel as if you want to conform too much, if that makes sense. Colleges want to have a pool of students who are diverse and if you TRY to make yourself more Americanyou seem to stand out less, Conformity is not always good. Another problem is the fact that you wanted to be American. Why?
Wow,thats quite a story youve got there. Maybe you should specify why exactly "being an american" is considered an accomplishment to you?
I think overall your essay is good,but i dont think being "american" is really an accomplishment,because it seems like throughout that process you lost who you were,and admissions officers want YOU,not a typical american. Maybe you can talk about how your move to america gave you tons of opportunities,ect.
Hope that helped. check out mine if you can!
I really found it interesting, you might want to explain why you felt like "Being american" was an accomplishment. Watch for choppiness, maybe try to combine some of your sentences.
This is probably a unique topic, so there could be some potential.
However, do not, really do not simply say that you wanted to be an American because you watched television.
This makes you look like a mindless tv-zombie-slave.
You have maybe two things to make this essay better:
Reflect on the values and attitude of the people you saw on TV, or what America represented to you
and why you liked them
Then reflect on the cultural assimilation as an accomplishment, try to describe manners and attitudes
you adopted and so on.
The proof of your being American sounds also not convincing.
If you got time, please check out the essay at the bottom of movie.
This is an interesting and engaging essay. However, there are a few things that I think would improve your essay:
-WHY did you want to be an American? This is the question that the reader would most likely want to know as they are reading this essay.
-The last sentence "have I mentioned how much I love a good burger and pizza" was a little awkward, but it's quite unique (you can decide whether to change this or not).
-You should definitely rephrase some sentences about yourself which something other from "I". It seems very mechanical to me. For example, every sentence it's you saying " I this, I that". This is not necessarily bad but I would definitely revise this.
Other from that, good essay with many life examples which the reader would definitely like. Just remember what some other members and I have said and you should be fine. Good luck!
i agree with the statements above. try not to stress that you wanted to conform. maybe you can bring how you have become american, but still how you kept some of your culture with you. like everyone said before, colleges like to see uniqueness not conformity. good luck!
please return the favor!
As Theleader said, you need some variety in sentence structure. It doesn't really matter but it'll help with the flow.
Content wise, I think your story is really unique.
Going into the process of your "Americanization" might be interesting. Discuss any possible conflicts you had and how you overcame them. Overall, I think you need to make it sound more positive and more "appreciative" for your cultural roots.
Sorry if I sound harsh! I really do like you story.
