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"the American Dream knocked on our door" - UCF's College Essay


milov3_25 1 / -  
Dec 21, 2010   #1
11 years ago was when my mother used her persistence and courage to make sure her and I had a stable and better future on our plate. That's when the American Dream knocked on our door. Little did I know that dream would eventually turn into something otherwise, a nightmare. Along the way, an immense bond grew between my family and I after almost losing a role model in our family as a victim of attempted murder, my mom. Many can call this a "bump on the road" but to me it's been a lot more than that. 9 years since and it's still my rollercoaster. I probably spent more time at home than the average student. Having to deal with my mom's psychological breakthroughs might not have been the ideal childhood but such scar it left molded me into the tough yet compassionate person I am today. I now belief some experiences come in small packages, others are life changing but how you decide to cope with them is what creates such impact in your life. Some mature with time and pace, others are forced to do so, especially when someone else's life depends on it.

Given by majority, my description has always been the word I once despised, "over thinker". It didn't sound too appealing at the time because well reality is "the average person thinks he isn't" by Larry Lorenzoni. Nobody wants to take off the blind fold to whom they really are in fear of getting rejected by the public. I must admit, over thinking about every step I took didn't always help me fit the pieces to the puzzle. In some cases it only increased my frustrations. Though experiences later, I learned to sink in the judgment and take advantage of that unique characteristic and put it to good use. Being an over thinker had to have its benefits I just had to search for them. I knew decision making would be a process but I would always make the right one. At such a young age I had and have the ability to turn all the negativity into a lesson and even laugh at my own mistakes every now and then. I became a reflective person, a quality many desire. Aside from that, sincerity, responsibility, humility, respect, honor, and determination were also qualities that have been drawn-out in my family for years. Coming from a strict, Hispanic family with high standards and constructive criticism, I got accustomed to pushing myself beyond "enough" and take pride for every move I make whether it'd be academically or personally. All those little things may be qualities that others have also been raised upon but compliment my individuality. What makes the difference is to know when these qualities come in handy.

Today I can say I am determined and anxious to rise myself to the challenge. The challenge of closing a chapter in life and initiate a new one to create and secure my own future. Known for its academic integrity, the high quality of people and diversity that create such know ledged and thrilling environment and provide with open doors a world where you can achieve the impossible, the University of Central Florida was and still remains MY dream school. I intend to keep the qualities that I possess (persistence, spirit, honor, responsibility, ambition, self-discipline to name the least ) and share them throughout my college years. As interacting among people is one of my biggest passions, it would be more than honor to become an official student, and represent with high pride the school that I can recall bragging about within my school mates and drove relatives crazy about at every family dinner. It would be the opportunity of a lifetime to make the University of Central Florida my home, wear black and gold and with no hesitancy say, "I am a Knight!"

Thank you so much!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 24, 2010   #2
Eleven years ago was when my mother used her

I now belief believe some experiences come ...

This sentence is unclear:
Given by majority, my description has always been the word I once despised, "over thinker".
I could make a suggestion about how to fix it, but you have a nice writing style and don't need me to do that. Just make this sentence simpler and clearer.

It didn't sound too appealing at the time, because, well reality is "The average person thinks he isn't," as Larry Lorenzoni said.----I don't know if I corrected this in the appropriate way. Does it still mean what it is supposed to mean?

Nobody wants to take off the blindfold

... opportunity of a lifetime to make the University of Central Florida my home, wear black and gold and ...---I think you spend too much time making vague assertions of enthusiasm. You give a lot of claims about the kind of person you are, but that does not mean anything to the reader. The reader is only impressed by concrete examples of articles you are reading, work you are doing, and subjects you are studying even in your free time outside of school.

It would be better to focus the essay on a single theme that involves showing how attending this school, with its specific professors, you can achieve your specific, unique life goals.

:-)


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