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"My American step dad"; UVA/ Decribe the world you come from

Angela336 2 / 4  
Dec 25, 2012   #1
Merry Christas everyone! Here is my essay. Can someone please help me with my mechanics and the structure of the essay? Also, anyone who can tell me if I've done a good job expressing myself is greatly appreciated. What do you guys think?

"Please speak English when I'm around."

This is what I hear when I chat in Chinese with my mom in front of my step dad. When I moved to the U.S four years ago, I, as a fourteen year-old girl, had to leave every memory behind to be adapted to an entirely unfamiliar world with a language that I had never spoken. Moreover, I had to share a life with my step dad who comes from an entirely different cultural background.

Charming, affable, and open-minded-I'm always amazed at his passionate personalities that have inspired me to be energetic. However, his high standards and strict rules occasionally frustrate me, as I try to ask for his approval. But when I recollect the fragmented times where I had stumbled around to do everything thoroughly and meticulously, I appreciate his high expectations which has greatly encouraged me to always reach to the top.

Looking back from where I've started, I'm shocked at how he has shaped me. I become proficient in negotiating with people that are hard to deal with, and how to patiently persuade them with my enthusiasms. It wasn't until he criticized me at being late for a gathering did I realize that I should always be credible to both myself and others. His western culture has taught me to cherish the simplest happiness in life and never take things for granted. Even though he is a little hard to deal with, I always seem to know the secrets to make him proud.

Coming from a world like this, I have learned to stand tall against every obstacle, and to embrace them with passion and courage.

hongyen2192 - / 13  
Dec 25, 2012   #2
Through reading your essay, I know you was talking about your step dad and how he affected your life in your second country. The idea and the bone of the story are good, but I think you need more transaction to make the essay better, try to use one topic sentence at the beginning in each paragraph, it will help the purpose of the paragraph clear and can help you transaction from the previous one.

In addition, you should tell more than say like for this sentence "However, his high standards and strict rules occasionally frustrate me" if I was you, I will add some evidences like telling about how you were frustrated

That's my opinion
Hope it will help :)

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