Please, I need all the criticisms I can get! All my teachers are not replying to my emails and I'm freaking out because I do not have editors to look through my essay. My dream school is UC Berkeley!
I can still recall how the cold, October air pierced through my skin for the very first time where the Sun once kissed me. The long, narrow street was covered with darkness, and amidst the vale of shadow that consumed my surroundings were the small pulses of light that burned at the top of each lamp post, helping me see the path to my new home. Fear and uncertainty were my companions then. They were the darkness that began to surround my very being when my family and I moved to the United States for the first time. It was words then that became my small, steady pulses of light. Eager to lead me, not to my new home, but to my myself.
The American way of life was overwhelming, unforeseeable, and a difficult reality to accept for an eight year old Filipino girl who spoke broken English. For the spring lamb who used her hands as her own utensils and spoke in a broken second tongue, America was confusing. In America, I was told to never take off my shoes when entering someone's home when, in the Philippines, it was normal. I was told to celebrate Thanksgiving when my family and I traditionally never did. I was told to celebrate Christmas on the 25th when, traditionally, my family and I celebrated on the 24th. The longer my family and I stayed in the United States, the longer I felt as if my identity was being completely erased, and turned into something unrecognizable.
I began to fear, doubt and question my own individuality. I had no anchor points from which to measure my speech, my actions, and my behavior correctly. My parents, who worked laboriously to earn our living within grape fields, couldn't help my inner turmoil. As days progressed into long years, conformity became a necessity, and I began to hate myself. I hated my dark brown eyes, my flat sunken nose, and my light ebony skin. I hated that I didn't have the features of an American.
But then, everything changed.
I read a book for the very first time. At eleven years old, I read 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer Stone.' After reading those first few, vital pages, I was consumed; I gave my every thought and my every emotion to the ink that danced in linear rows before my very eyes. Books are often read for escapism, but it became more to me. I learned that within each character, is the potential to teach an array of lessons that are often ignored like how Harry Potter taught me to be a leader, to love myself, and that I'll be okay no matter how crushing life can be.
All the lessons that I've learned from these characters and others have been incorporated throughout my life many times and led me to be my own person. And so, I decided to lead my own life and do what I love most: to become a writer myself, to influence others with words, just as I have been influenced, moulded and remade by the writings of others.
Very well written and full of vivid imagery. Your style and diction is perfect!
As for content, I'm blown away! Personally, I feel like you should elaborate more on your initial experiences with the book and channel that into why you wanted to become a writer. (This is just preference, it's good as is!)
"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer Stone" should be "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone"
I want to so much but the word count makes it impossible to do so! >.< Thank you!
your personal statement is great, and hopefully you can be accepted in UC Berkeley.
Then,let me try to give some recommendations on your passage
I gave my every thought and my everymind and emotion to the ink ...
thanks, hope it can helps
Please, I need all the criticisms I can get! All my teachers are not replying to my emails and I'm freaking out because I do not have editors to look through my essay. My dream school is UC Berkeley! NOTE: I didn't get a lot of revisions so help!
Jessica, please do something with your segments and paragraph, I suggest you keep them to a maximum of 4 paragraphs so that they will not look crowded and the reader will not get tired of reading through your essay.
Your word choice is very good, you need this to be done good especially as this is for an English major.
Moreover, you have a good sentence construction and the flow of your essay is well done too.
The only thing that I also want you to take note of is mentioning or writing the words again and again, please refrain from doing this, avoid direct translation as well, this happens to people who's English is not their mother tongue, is it normal?, yes it is but you should try hard to break this norm and become better in the language.
I also suggest that when you re-write your essay, refrain from focusing on your roots as a Filipino, it actually doesn't matter where you came from, the important thing is, we learn and never stop educating ourselves in more ways than we ever think we could and learning a second language and be good at it is not an exemption.
its difficult to avoid direct translation since there's a world limit so in some sentences i have to be direct :\ as for my roots, i need that to answer the prompt since it asks to describe the world where I come from and how it influenced my dreams and aspirations.
Nice essay Kalagang, but let me give you a suggestion.
Please avoid to abbreviate words, since it is a formal essay.
I feel that the "change" upon reading Harry Potter is not concrete. Give me a specific example of how you decided to become a leader, a magician , a friend, a new person and truly change. The focus is too heavy on the image of sadness that it somewhat overshadows the strength of transformation.
But apart from that, I think the imagery and expressions are well crafted. Clearly you have taken writing to heart.
I love the imagery you invoked with a lot of your word choices...very well done!
I only have a few minor grammatical corrections to suggest. You wrote: In America, I was told to never take off my shoes when entering someone's home when, in the Philippines, it was normal." To avoid having a run-on sentence, it should read: In America, I was never told to take off my shoes. In the Philippines, it was normal. Or it could be worded like this to showcase the differences: In America, I was never told to take off my shoes. But, in the Philippines, it was normal.
In America, I was told to never take off my shoes when entering someone's home when, in the Philippines, it was normal. I was told to celebrate Thanksgiving when my family and I traditionally never did. I was told to celebrate Christmas on the 25th when, traditionally, my family and I celebrated on the 24th. The longer my family and I stayed in the United States, the longer I felt as if my identity was being completely erased, and turned into something unrecognizable.
Ben has some other really good tips here ieltspodcast/ielts-writing-task/071-ielts-essay-improvement-class-1-3/
