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Supplement Essay for Amherst College App " Difficulty need not forshadow ..."


jelidtj 5 / 21  
Aug 20, 2010   #1
Supplement Essay:
In addition to the essay you're asked to write as part of the Common Application, Amherst requires a second essay of no more than 300 words. We do not offer interviews as part of the application process at Amherst. However, your essays provide you with an opportunity to speak to us. Please keep this in mind when responding to one of the following quotations. It is not necessary to research, read, or refer to the text from which these quotations are taken; we are looking for original, personal responses to these short excerpts. Remember that your essay should be personal in nature and not simply an argumentative essay.

Topic chosen:
"Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted."
Attributed to William Hastie, Amherst Class of 1925, first African-American to serve as a judge for the United States Court of Appeals

Essay:

"...Additionally, your daughter/ ward will be able to take the Cambridge Additional Mathematics course for..." The letter continued. At age fourteen, the idea of embarking on this rigorous course triggered an equation in my mind. Being a logical and rational thinker, I created the following: (Difficulty) 2 x (negative perceptions) + crash course = ?

I began my first class contemplating those variables. I was introduced to topics and problems which required deep thinking. All elementary ideas were completely replaced by complex formulae and principles. As perceived, the failure rate of students was very high. As if these factors were not stressful enough, we had to learn, in 16 months, what others learnt in 4 years! After about three months, a third of the class quit. I decided it only made sense to replace my question mark with the dark, daunting d-word - defeat.

In a short while, however, I was shaken up. Encouragement and self-confidence moved me to completely redraft my equation - the sole unchanged variable being difficulty: (Difficulty) 2 x (positive outlook) + hard work = ?

Had I not shifted my focus, from negative complexities, to the fact that I could do well (if I persevered positively) I probably would have failed; but I found that my new equation equaled success! Although I failed many unit tests, I was a part of the handful of girls who actually passed the exam. The satisfaction was incomparable.

As individuals we tend to accept the notion, given by the old equation, that difficulty automatically foreshadows defeat. However William Hastie offers us an alternative way of viewing a difficult task or situation. We should work hard to overcome the hurdles, because, having done so, we will reap much satisfaction - much more than if we had chosen not to tackle those obstacles.

Please review my essay! all grammatical and organizational as well as general comments are welcome! :)
SnowWolf 4 / 15  
Aug 21, 2010   #2
I really wish you could write more because your third paragraph(is it your third paragraph? the one start with

Sooner than 3 months into the course,

the format is really weird so I don't know) really leave a lot out. But I realize you had exactly 300 words so I list out the following as suggestions to what to delete.

"In addition to the subjects listed above, your daughter/ ward will be able to take the Cambridge Additional Mathematics course for..."

I began my first class with those variables in mind. The difficulty of the subject was a known fact. I was introduced to topics and problems which required deep thinking. All elementary ideas were completely replaced by complex formulas and principles.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 22, 2010   #3
Jelitza, I am struggling to catch up with all the new essays posted, and it took me a long time to get to yours. I saw some of the great help you have been giving people, though, so I jumped ahead to see if I can return the favor.

personal in nature and not simply an argumentative essay.

Okay, let's see how you did...

(Difficulty) 2 รท (negative perceptions) + crash course = ?

I don't think negative perceptions divide difficulty. They multiply it!!

So... what insight do you get from the quote. I like it, because he is offering us an alternative way of thinking about a certain situation.

In your first para, I think you should say something about the notion that difficulty need not foreshadow despair and defeat, and that success can be more satisfying when obstacles have been surmounted. I think you should add a sentence to the end of the paragraph to give a thesis statement that uses words from the prompt. Right after you give your equation, you can add the thesis statement. If you use the word variables in the thesis statement, you will still get a great transition into paragraph 2. :-)

My teacher was indeed difficult and quirky.

I found that my new equation equaled success!------ need examples to show ways you applied this and explain the old way of thinking, and how it would turn out, and the new way of thinking, and how it turns out. Know what I mean? The equation is just a concept until you show how you used it.

Although I failed many unit tests, I passed my exam. The satisfaction was incomparable. --- you might think this is an example, but it's not. You need an example of a thought process that demonstrates the equation. :-)

Although I failed many unit tests, I passed my exam. The satisfaction was incomparable. --and about this sentence... It seems like you accept mediocrity from yourself. You can fix it by mentioning if only you and a few other students were able to pass.

Most importantly, INTERPRET THE QUESTION in your conclusion or intro. I think conclusion is better here. In fact, if you do not want to add a thesis statement like I suggested, you can instead use the conclusion to really analyze the quote. You obviously know what it is about because your story involves assuming a new attitude toward obstacles. So, in the conclusion, discuss exactly what the quote means.

:-)
OP jelidtj 5 / 21  
Aug 22, 2010   #4
thnx much SnowWolf

and thanx a lot Kevin!!
imma work on it
OP jelidtj 5 / 21  
Aug 24, 2010   #5
Hey, pleeeaaase review my second draft (especially Kevin) and see if there is any improvement !
Also, i'm asking for a general comment on the essay as it relates to the content, expression, organization etc.
Thanks again!!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 24, 2010   #6
Although I failed many unit tests, I was a part of the handful of girls who actually passed the exam.

Yes, I like this a lot. It shows that you really did struggle and that you really do have this insight about how to adjust your attitude in the presence of adversity.

Good luck with this!


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