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"an ammunition depot exploded" - Common Application Short Answer

zilunaju 4 / 10  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
It was Saturday, March 15, 2008, when an ammunition depot a couple miles outside Tirana exploded. From the explosion were confirmed 26 victims including children, and more than 200 people were injured. Every house within a two mile radius was destroyed. Families had no place to live and nothing to eat.

A week after the explosion, my friends and I, in collaboration with a youth group, organized a show for the little kids that were affected by the explosion. All we wanted was to make those children forget about what had happened to their families and homes. We could not help with medical care for the ones that were injured; neither could we contribute with money donations.

However, we made those children smile by playing games and giving them small presents. We showed support by giving them clothes and food, and we showed them love by being there for them. I will not forget the children's faces when we were about to leave. Sometimes, the world looks brighter from behind a smile.
moorea 1 / 5  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
I love how quickly you have addressed the prompt. your response was short and meaningful. perhaps you could add in another sentence about how you personally organized or led the help for the children.

finally, the sentence should probably be "we could neither help with medical supplies for the injured, nor make financial contributions"

good luck! and i would REALLY APPRECIATE it if you could offer as much constructive criticism as possible on my essay. thanks!
kisna22 2 / 9  
Dec 28, 2010   #3
this is awsome! i didnt find any grammatical errors but i think you should restate your last sentence in a different way to make it more powerful. Overall, i liked your personal statement! answers the prompt and is detailed!
OP zilunaju 4 / 10  
Dec 28, 2010   #4
thank you!! ^_^

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