Hi everyone,
I would really appreciate it if someone would please look over my Yale ChemE (you heard me right, I want to major in Engineering at Yale... read my supplements if you want to find out why).
1 essay at a time please.
My main worry as of now is the 1st essay and short answers:
Essay 1 - I wrote this one to be unique and weird/different from other essays. Not sure if it worked.I'm willing to rewrite.
Short Answers - Quite self explanatory I think
Essay 2 (engineering essay) - These are the reasons why I want to study ChemE at Yale.
Sorry about the super long essays. Bonus points for those that read them all! (as in, I'll be SUPER grateful and be forever in your debt)
Thanks in advance!
ESSAY 1 PROMPT: In this essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits. (Please answer in 500 words or less). Before you begin, we encourage you to go to admissions.yale.edu/essay, where you will find helpful advice.
I am an anarchist. No-a rebel. No, not a rebel; a...a man of enlightenment. Yes, that's who I am. A man of enlightenment.
As an active member of my community, I've consistently held leadership positions in many of my extracurricular activities. Yet I saw limits. Limitations that were never brought up by the seemingly satisfied students of my school.
I realized that there was a cap, a ceiling that restricted us. There are only so many activities available to the student body, all of which are dictated by teachers. It was almost...Orwellian; teachers led unopposed, and students followed blindly without any real ability to exert decisive power (or maybe it wasn't that bad).
Seeking change, I founded the Solar Project and recruited a small group of my peers to aid me. I aimed to demonstrate to the student body that it is possible for a student-initiated, student-ran activity to succeed. And I chose to do so through the installation of solar panels on the school roof.
As the leader of the Solar Project, I realized that we were utterly free from all previous limitations. The potential of the project was unmatched; we could do anything we wished. As a team, we set our own goals and made our own decisions. There were no teachers to control us.
I soon realized that such extent of freedom brought alongside a great deal responsibility, as the determination of many group members waned, forcing me to chase after them and follow up on tasks as simple as sending an email. I was stretched to my limits while attempting to coordinate meetings with the principal, negotiate with solar panel suppliers, plan with engineers and keep track of my peers. It was then that I understood why we have previously been so 'oppressed' by our didactic teachers. Many weren't ready to handle the responsibilities that came along with freedom and decision, so the teachers helped carry out that burden. In the Solar Project, that duty was mine to fulfill.
However, I was able to regain control of the group and persuade my peers to refocus their attention on completing the project. I urged them not to allow this freedom to corrupt their motives.
After tediously fighting the temptations that allured us, my project was finally able to install a 1000 watt solar panel system at school. This accomplishment, to me, was more than just a successful project. It was an opportunity to demonstrate my capabilities as a leader. I was given complete freedom, and I chose to use that power to enlighten my community on sustainability, to demonstrate that a self-initiated project can be done. To overthrow the idea that projects must be led by teachers.
Now I watch as more and more students launch their own projects, begin their own activities and set their own targets, just like I had done.
Thus, I consider myself a man of enlightenment. (490 words)
Not a bad essay. I like the way you depicted how you have an open way of thinking that allows you to develop a better understanding of those around you. I just caught a slight mistake in the grammar construction that you need to correct though.
It was an almost...Orwellian; teachers led unopposed, and students followed blindly without any real ability to exert decisive power (Or maybe it wasn't that bad).
The essay is very strong due to your reference to your leadership skills and your ability to think outside of the box, which always sits well with the admissions officers. The light yet serious undertone that you used in writing your essay has helped it depict you in a manner that the common app prompts may not have allowed you to have been perceived. Good work.
So close to being done!
There were no teachers to command us.
hmm, a bit awkward. Try, "There were no teachers to order us around."
"Now, I see before my eyes more and more students launch their own projects and begin their own activities with their own motives" --> "Now I see before my eyes more and more students launching their own projects and beginning their own activities..."
And one last thing. You write "In the Solar project, that responsibility fell to me. But it all paid off." (** should be 'that responsibility fell on me') ...did the responsibility pay off? This part is confusing because I think you're talking about two different things here. Consider changing it to, "In this particular project, the responsibility fell on me. But I inevitably managed to regain control..."
Unless I missed something, I saw no other grammatical errors or portions of the essay that really needed revising.
Once again, you did a great job with this essay!
Thanks for all your help!
I will be submitting this sometime soon.
You've really helped with both my NU and Yale essays.
Hmm, if only I could get someone to read over my Cornell one as well... I'd be utterly grateful for that to happen.
I can continue helping you on your essays if you would like me to, as I am nearing completion of my essays.
Thanks again for everything!
