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Anchor to a world that seems far away-Common Application Essay

Juliano 11 / 29  
Dec 18, 2010   #1
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Please write any suggestions you have. I am not a good writer in the sense that my grammar is terrible so look out for that especially. All suggestions are welcomed and be as critical as you can, it wont hurt my feeling, only help me. Sorry this essay is long. Thank you for your help.

In life many influences help to shape us but few are so great that they completely change the course of our life. Some have teachers, others celebrities, sports icons, or great thinkers, but for me it is my father, Ndue Ndoj. My father is the father you envision when you think of a 1960s sitcom. He is loving, caring, and always there for his family but he has a certain foreign flavor to him that most parents lack. He is a man who demands discipline, respect, but would give anything for his children. He has been the anchor in my life that has kept me sane in this place we call our world. He has been the source of strength and determination that characterize me and he is the reason I have become the person I am today.

My father, through his words has tried to make me an honest, respectable, and hard working man in a world where, unfortunately, there are few. As a small boy, I did not realize the cruel realities of the world and the true nature of man; my father opened my eyes. At the age of 4, my young mind received a shock that I would remember to this very day sometimes even dreaming of the horrors that I witnessed. In 1997, Albania erupted into rebellion, which turned into full blown anarchy and the world around me seemed to crumble and become something so chaotic and awful that it seemed to be hell on earth. My world was gone; everything I knew was destroyed. Morals, ethics, humanity, kindness, kinship all thrown by the wayside. Everyone seemed to let loose and , in those days, what I saw of the true nature of man terrified me. My father, however never changed; he never bowed to the madness; he never let it engulf him; and so he became my anchor in a world that seemed so far away. He protected me from turning savage like many of my neighbors and so called friends. During this time, my father shielded me physically and emotionally from the world. He taught me to become a man who has priorities, morals, and who values both law and order. He spoke to me about things such as virtue, respect, and manners, and he made sure that I learned them. He instilled in me a love for learning by buying me books to read and teaching me math and how to write. As a boy of almost five, I became a mini figure of my father. I loved him, respected him, and cherished his presence and the things he taught me.

After the rebellion was quashed and things returned to normal, my father knew we had to leave and so he entered the "lottery competition." The lottery winner would be presented an opportunity to come to the greatest country on earth, America. He entered thinking it was a scam but hoped it wouldn't be and in three months time we received a letter stating we had won. My father without hesitation accepted, the offer and had already begun to plan our departure but I saw in him a sadness that I had not seen before. I realized it was because he was giving up everything. He was leaving his entire life, family, the only home he knew, and the job he had always dreamed of so that his children could be safe and have the best life the world had to offer. This fact weighed heavy on me then and now. It has become my drive for school, for my dream, and is something I always remember when I want to quit. After some time, we came to America and my family entered a world that was foreign to us. The second day we were in America, my father went to work with his friend at a tile company. He worked for 12 sometimes 14 hours a day to support us. He seemed to never sleep and was constantly holding his back but never complained. He never gave up and his sacrifices changed my life. He gave me the opportunity of a lifetime and in exchange he gave up everything. My father to this day gives up everything he has to try and give me the opportunities to become all I can be.

My father sometimes jokes around saying that the dreadful communist system did not hurt him and neither will the capitalist system, but I see that he is tired. He is a man who has given up everything for me, my brother, and my new little sister and there is no way we can truly repay him. His influence is something that can never be replaced. He has molded me into the man I am today teaching me a love for learning, virtues, the importance of family, determination, and what sacrifice really means.
donrocks 5 / 120  
Dec 20, 2010   #2
One major thing Juliano....
This is your admission essay and not your father's. With due respect to him, he should not be center of the whole essay. It has to be you.

At the age of 4, my young mind received a shock..

Why this did not appeal to me.... I spent few minutes thinking but could not figure out the reason. Shorten it... and try to be more emotional than well, words. Would write back to you if I figure this out.

After the rebellion.... this is where your essay takes off from the run way. Your inspirational father- his hard work and your motivation. Good but still needs polishing. I want to see more off you like I said.... You are center off attention and instead of that I get a perfect picture of your father rather than you. Get it.... That's where this essay loses steam.

You have a good theme, your circumstances were difficult and everything is set... you need to put it together.
I'll get back if I can figure that para of your's.
Hope this helps.... :)

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