I'm down to fine-tuning my final version of my UC Personal Statement for Prompt 2. It is currently unreviewed aside from my mother.
(if you've seen this before... I apologize; I previously pasted the incorrect prompt)
Any feedback will be eternally appreciated!
Prompt 2: "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"
Just to note, the UC Admissions have made it clear that they do not want any creative writing, whatsoever, and the Personal Statement is NOT an essay; rather, it is to give context for the application and help the school get to know you. "Be reflective, open, and persuasive. Use concrete examples," they instruct on the UC webpage.
Beyond my war with anorexia, self-harm, and through continual intensive treatment, I have matured immensely and assuredly created a stabilizing purpose for living and thriving in pursuit of a redeemed, prosperous future.
Various therapists and Rosewood's treatment team did not simply work extensively with me purely to ensure a healthy future; in retrospect, the main focus was to understand the roots of my numbing and self-deprecating tendencies and ultimately reclaim vitality while seeking an understanding of recovery as the better choice.
The ongoing process of realizing recovery began first with my mental and physical corruption; I was deepest in the refuge of my eating disorder and self-harm to numbly function in my routine labyrinth of loneliness. After the inevitable intervention, I experienced with my fellow patients in the challenge of treatment a mutual compassion beyond previous comprehension: our shared inexplicable poignancy of being, unparalleled support and intimate quarters brought us impossibly close, and we grew as a genuine, alternatively incomparable family. Our diversity was broad yet binding, and stretched from worldly and wealthy Ali, 17, of London, to twelve-year-old schizophrenic Emily of Virginia. From these special kinships I have grown to appreciate the preciousness of companionship and through devoted outpatient work I further realized my suffocating, reclusive mental filters of reality and their power for social separation. Today my bonds in this enduring family are carried through continual communication and a planned reunion, while new relationships are built deeply and openly at both work and school. Previously, I had dismissed potential friendships on initial judgement; now I see beyond these common trivialities and appreciate each stage of character on both the intimate and daily level.
This contrived-turned-authentic change in perspective was simply one maturation of many; in contrast to my initial belligerent unwillingness to Rosewood's program, I learnt also a cohesive openness. Without the comforts of home, family, electronics and control, importance was significantly redefined: my appreciations shifted to focally encompass the strength of interpersonal bond and support, unrequited love, our occasional ethereal sunsets, a shared laugh, even ten minutes of a warm shower. I have since nurtured my pivotal, receptive adaptability for such alternative ideas and crave for my personal diversity of knowledge and experience to strengthen my organic, self-sustaining values.
Perhaps the greatest of improvements was the least concrete, in fact a cumulative product of the others - my personal establishment of self contentness and awareness, achieved through identifying and pursuing my passions and talents, and answering the fortifying love that continues to fill daily and personal life. My resilience is undying, and anorexia fits nowhere in my future: with the same perseverance that once pushed me to the edge of death, I am driven.
Wreak your critique, I'm always all ears!
I think this topic is extremely sensitive an original, being that I really think you should make it more personal, how did you feel prior to your invertention, prior to going to treatment, then describe in much more detail the way you felt when you were there, and then looking back on the situation now. I think its great so far, just try to make it seem a little bit more personal and less general,
great job though! hope you get in.
Reading this essay was difficult; I'm sure you don't speak the way you write (in fact the only part of this post I understood was your introduction, not the essay). Your complicating your essay by replacing smooth, easy to digest words with jagged unnecessarily complex counterparts. It doesn't look impressive, and makes the essay a chore to read. Besides that, I think you have an interesting experience to tell that's being handicapped by a poor use of language.
Here's an example of what I mean. This excerpt:
In retrospect, the main focus was to understand the roots of my numbing and self-deprecating tendencies, to ultimately claim vitality while seeking an understanding of recovery as the better choice.
Can be written more plainly:
In retrospect, the therapy was meant to uncover the roots of my numbing, self-destructive tendencies, and ultimately help me regain my well-being.
You are what I call a "thesaurus-writer," you're overly prone to wordiness and lofty language. I would rewrite this and try to make it in the same voice you would talk to someone. Its okay to occasionally spruce up your vocabulary with a wonderful word that just fits, but the purpose of writing is never to showcase your intellectual capacity, it is too be clear.
And that would especially behoove you in an essay like this. You have a topic which is deeply personal, powerful, and moving, don't lose that in a mess of overly complicated language. I would rewrite this and make it simple and genuine.
I think the rest will follow from there.
P.S. I did like your conclusion, its the strongest part of the whole essay, so keep that.