Hi all. I'm stuck between these two short answers: "please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)"
I originally submitted the first one for one of my schools, but afterwards I was a bit hesitant because I thought it was cliched...so I wrote another one! Yet, I feel like the 2nd isn't as personal. Any help would be GREATLY appreciated. This is the one thing standing between me and submission (;
#1
When I became the communications head for Fashion for A Cause, I imagined glamorous networking in the name of St. Jude's Hospital. However, my daydreams were quickly trampled by my quest for food donations. I was faced with dead-end phone calls from every store and restaurant. I had always thrived on the idea that blood, sweat, and tears could produce dreams; all I wanted were refreshments for our charity fashion show. I was ready to trade in my motto when a last-minute meeting with a Cheesecake Factory owner yielded the desired results. That evening, as I juggled precariously stacked dessert boxes on my way to the show, I realized that the difference of a few cheesecakes had renewed my faith in the power of determination. The simple act of persistence had brought about the truly glamorous aspect of the job: confidence that I could create my own luck.
#2
As Communications Head of Fashion for A Cause, I have fought the misconception that students of a science and technology school are merely interested in science and technology. Although I consider myself a "geek" due to my passion for biology and psychology, I also harbor a deep love for the arts; to me, fashion is an outlet for innovation and imagination, just as science is. As an FAC liaison within the school, I both encourage students not previously interested in the arts to explore their artistic sides and recruit artistically minded students to use their talents to benefit others through creating garments and designing sets. My dedication to FAC not only stems from my desire to give back to others, but also from my desire to show students that a love of science and art complement each other and coexist through the same principles.
I personally prefer the first one - it seems like it has a nice, condensed structure with a clear beginning and ending, and it also has a lot of personality.
However, my advice would be to look over your essays and extracurriculars, and figure out what gaps you need to fill. If you're sure that your voice and personality came out well in those, then it might be best to go with the second one; it is more unique, and might get a little more attention. However, if the content of the second one was already covered, then I'd definitely go with the better-written one.
Good luck with your application! I'm envious that you're already submitting it. ^^ If you have the time, would you mind looking over mine?
The first one is much more quirky and perhaps more entertaining to read while the second is more academic in style--making you out to be more serious.
Considering the prompt you are working with, I would stick to the first essay--with perhaps some altering. In your first essay you describe some of the things you do in the activity you chose to elaborate on; however, I would edit it to make it more about the things you actually *do* for that activity and maybe tell them why you do it.
Hopefully, what I've said is helpful.
Thanks so much (=
In response to Nandra - I feel like my main essay gets my personality across pretty well. The reason I wrote a second version, which actually matches what you suggested about filling in gaps, is because it's the 1 activity that pops out on my application. It's rather random, I suppose, so I tried to explain a bit more about why I'm involved with it.
In respnose to Amberique - I did add some more info about what I actually DO in the additional info section, because there was no way it could fit in the small box in the activities section. So if I've included what I do elsewhere in my app (albeit after the activities essay), d'you think it would matter more which essay I chose?
Any more suggestions?
Did you mean to say, "I was faced with the task of making dead-end phone calls to every store and restaurant."
Yes, the essay never feels as authentic if you recycle material from other essays you have written. It's like eating leftovers. In that second essay, I think your comment about feeling like a geek does not really go with the main idea of the essay. I like the first one a lot more.
