"No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement

Hi. Please help correct my personal statement, especially my grammar & tense. Thank you for your time and consideration.

"No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!"

I heartily protested as my grandma pinned me down and pried my mouth open to force a live lizard sandwiched between two slices of banana down my throat. I grasped tightly onto my grandma's scarlet sweater, both eyes bathed in tears, howling and kicking to dodge the four-legged creature in her hand. The more I resisted, the worse my coughing and wheezing became. My childhood asthma overpowered me and my breathing became shallow. At last, I surrendered. With my eyes closed and breath held, I quickly swallowed the creature the second it tickled the inside of my mouth. It was already my third lizard for the day. The familiar pleasant taste and aroma of banana failed to disguise the unpleasant gecko sandwiched between.

In the rural village of central Vietnam where I grew up, basic health care was a scarcity and consuming a house lizard was the most readily accessible remedy for my severe asthma. My grandparents were too poor and medicine too expensive for us to seek mainstream treatment for my illness. At the onset of my symptoms, I could not turn to my mother for solace. Only two when my family escaped Vietnam by boat, my parents reluctantly left me behind because I was too sick to endure the perilous journey. Even with the love and care of relatives and friends, I lamented the loss of my family and a place to call home.

I was reunited with my family in California when I was nine. For the first time in my life, I had a family doctor who attended to my medical needs. The absence of adequate medical attention in my early childhood promoted and fostered my sympathy for the sick and the poor. The comprehensive care that I received in the United States inspired me to devote my academic years to helping those who are less fortunate. Through my volunteer work, I am surprised and saddened to learn that health care inequity is not isolated to Vietnam, but also exists in the heart of America. In today's society, there are orphans, homeless people, and immigrants who cannot access basic and adequate health services. These patients often sidestep hospitalization and expensive medication due to financial difficulties. For this reason, I aspire to become a physician who can provide holistic medical care to patients from all social and economic backgrounds.

While in college, my inspiration propelled me to become an assistant to physicians and nurses in the Emergency Department at San Francisco General Hospital. Here, I help provide clinical care to homeless and uninsured patients whose medical needs are coupled with psychosocial problems. While shadowing the physicians, I noticed that genuine gestures of kindness plus a few words of comfort were always integrated into their interactions with patients. The doctors in the emergency department have helped me to appreciate that the roll of a physician includes more than diagnosing diseases and prescribing treatments; rather, it embraces the patient's whole well-being, both body and mind. Their thoughtful actions offer meaning to Sir William Osler's words: "The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease." I too want to become a great physician, and I have strived to implement Osler's teaching into my volunteer work at SFGH. This hands-on interaction with patients imparts greater meaning to my life and education while solidifying my resolve to become a physician.

With this resolve in mind, I am determined to leave no stone unturned in the path to fulfilling my dream. At UC Berkeley, I have explored different opportunities and taken on many challenges to best prepare myself for medical school, including pursuing a double major in Molecular Immunology and Integrative Biology. As a student of science, I am most interested in applying knowledge from the classroom to hands-on research to answer scientific questions. I felt at home when deeply engaged in cancer research in the Karpen Lab at Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory. With a pipette in hand, I conducted experiments to study how the cell recognizes and repairs DNA damage induced by radiation. At the 2008 Summer Undergraduate Research Fellowship conference, I presented my research on the functions of various tumor suppressor proteins in the DNA repair pathway to professors, postdoctoral scholars, and undergraduate students. This research is promising because knowledge of how cells repair DNA damage can contribute to a better understanding of, and therefore, potential treatment for diseases associated with damage to our genome, including cancer. I look forward to participating in the medical community's efforts, both as a future medical student and physician, to address today's and tomorrow's health problems.

In choosing to become a physician, I pursue a career uniting my interests in science and medicine with my passion to help others. As an aspiring medical student, I hope to provide health education and medical care to patients and cultivate compassion that establishes friendship at the patient's bedside. Medical school is the next important stone for me to assiduously and eagerly turn in accomplishing my lifelong aspiration of becoming a physician.

I am going to nit-pick this. Not because it is bad, but because it is good and deserves to be better.


I'd omit the word "tried" here. It weakens the visual. I'd also omit the word "house" and "two slices" because "house" disrupts the flow. I think I would also break it into two sentences (and combine it with your last sentence), but that is just me. The new sentences would read like this: I heartily protested as my grandma pinned me down and pried my mouth open to force a live lizard down my throat. Even though the lizard was sandwiched between two slices of banana, the familiar pleasant taste and aroma of the fruit failed to disguise the unpleasant gecko.


I generally don't think of eyes as being coated in tears, but that is me nit-picking. My eyes (oozing, exuding, dripping, issuing, expelling, leaking, trickling . . .) tears . . . Or if you changed tears to the word performing the action, you could come up with a different list of verbs--"coated" just isn't the best word choice in my mind. Likewise, "four-legged creatures" are often associated with house pets in English and conjure a decidedly mammalian picture. Our "four-legged friends" generally only refers to

cats and dogs. I think that you could come up with a more powerful (and precise) adjective here.


Change this just slightly for a more active verb. My childhood asthma overpowered me and my breathing became shallow. (it is best to omit as many "to be" verbs--is, are, was--as possible)

Ack! Out of time. I didn't even make it through the first paragraph. I'll add more later tonight.

Thank you so much :). Your comments really help improve the essay.

I heartily protested as my grandma pinned me down and pried my mouth open to force a live lizard sandwiched between two slices of banana down my throat. I grasped tightly onto her scarlet sweater, both eyes coated in tears, howling and kicking to dodge the four-legged creature. The more I resisted, the worse my coughing and wheezing became. My childhood asthma overpowered me and my breathing became shallow. At last, I surrendered. With my eyes closed and breath held, I quickly swallowed the creature the second it tickled the inside of my mouth. It was already my third lizard for the day. The familiar pleasant taste and aroma of banana failed to disguise the unpleasant gecko sandwiched between.

Questions:
1) Instead of four-legged, how about slimy?
2) Change coated to bathed?
3) Should there be a comma between "My childhood asthma overpowered me (,) and my breathing became shallow."?
The previous sentence has "became" in it too. This should be fine?
Thanks

Hmmmmmm . . . interesting.

That I believe was the sum of your own contributions to other members, both posts of which I have now deleted, btw. I also deleted the duplicate copy of this essay that you had posted. You had to wait less than two hours for feedback on this thread. Be patient, and more people will comment on it. If you try to abuse the system, though, people will be less likely to want to help you.

Actually, your essay is already very strong. Here are a few minor fixes for you:

"The hands-on interaction with patients has imparted greater meaning to my life and education as well as solidified my resolve to become a physician." This sentence is a bit awkward. Perhaps "This hands-on interaction with patients has imparted greater meaning to my life and education while solidifying my resolve to become a physician." would be better.

"At UC Berkeley, I have explored different opportunities and taken on many challenges to best prepare myself for medical school, including pursuing a double major in Molecular Immunology and Integrative Biology."

"To accomplish my lifelong aspiration of becoming a physician, medical school is the next important stone for me to assiduously and eagerly turn." This is sort of a misplaced modifier. Medical school isn't going to accomplish your lifelong aspiration, you are. Revise.

Thank you Sean. My biggest problem is tense. Have you check the entire essay? Thank you for your feedback.

There are minor things you can improve, as there always are in any essay, but overall you've got a strong statement. You'll likely get more feedback from other students and moderators over the next few days. Remember, patience is a virtue.

I am not familiar enough with lizards to come up with an adjective. I have even less experience with eating lizards. I don't think of them as slimy though. Aren't they kind of dry and scaly? Your sentence could read something like . . .howling and kicking to dodge the (squirming, disgusting, writhing, repugnant . . .) creature.

Bathed works well.

I have not yet mastered the comma and I probably never will, but I am thinking that you do not need a comma here--"and my breathing became shallow" is not an independent clause an the two parts of the sentence hold equal weight. Don't take my word for it though.

The word "became" isn't bothering me. You could omit it if you rewrote the sentence, but it isn't bothering me.


I am not crazy about the word "devouring" here. Devour makes me think of either consuming something with great enthusiasm or destroying something (like flesh-eating bacteria devouring a limb). You were devouring the lizard in the destroying sense, but not with enthusiasm. It could be confusing to the reader. I'd also like to see a word modifying "remedy." This is not a traditional remedy. Folk? I can't come up with a word, but I think it would be best to qualify.

More later . . . maybe.

Thank you Notoman. I agree with you. I'll change devouring to consuming.
What about "consuming a house lizard was the most readily accessible remedy" or "consuming a house lizard was the routine remedy"?

It all depends on which is true.

I agree with the others: This is a vivid, and therefore very strong, essay that should stand you in good stead.

And I agree with Sean: Especially in light of the time and care Notoman has expended on your essay, I'd like to see you jump in and provide careful, detailed feedback to other forum members.

Yes, I will. Thank you.

Please help correct my medical personal statement. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Can you post the latest revision so that we can do that?

Hi. This is my latest revision. I'm ready to submit this personal statement, just that I want to make sure there is no grammar or tense error. Please help me. Thank you.

This is wonderful! I have just a couple of corrections:

I was reunited with my family in California when I was nine. For the first time in my life, I had a family doctor who could attend to my medical needs.

It isT he absence of adequate medical attention in my early childhood that has promoted and fostered my sympathy for the sick and the poor.

Thank you. Why did you choose "promoted & fostered" rather than "has promoted..."?

Wow! It is looking very strong. Here are a few minor changes that I think will improve flow:

My grandparents were too poor and medicine was too expensive for us to seek any mainstream treatment for my illness.

O nly two when my family escaped Vietnam by boat, m y parents reluctantly left me behind because I was too sick to endure the perilous journey.

Even with the love and care of relatives and friends, it just was not the same withoutI lamented the loss of my family and a place to call home.

For the first time in my life, I had a family doctor who can attended to my medical needs. (Unless you are nine now, you need to use the past tense here.)

T he absence of adequate medical attention in my early childhood that has promoted and fostered my sympathy for the sick and the poor.

The comprehensive care that I have received in the United States has inspired me to devote my academic years to helping those who are less fortunate than me .

Through my volunteer work, I am surprised and saddened to learn that health care inequity is not isolated to Vietnam[,]alone but also exists even in the heart of America.

In today's society, there are orphans, homeless people, and immigrants who cannot access basic and adequate health services. The "orphans" in this sentence isn't sitting well with me. Most orphans, in the United States, fall under the jurisdiction of the government and are eligible for Medicare. Children in foster care and even those who have been adopted through a government program receive Medicare (to the best of my knowledge) for life. If you changed the word to "indigent," the sentence would make more sense.

For this reason, I aspire to become a physician in order toand provide holistic medical care to patients from all social and economic backgrounds. Do you really mean "holistic" here? While holistic means complete, when coupled with medicine, it generally means alternative. If you are applying for a traditional medical program, they could very well bristle at the word holistic. Even if your intention is to become a medical doctor who specializes in holistic medicine, this may not be the place to announce that goal. The admission committee might envision lizards in your patients' future.

While in college, my inspiration has propelled me

While shadowing the physicians, I have noticed that genuine gestures (of what? Kindness?) plus a few words of comfort are always their initial responses to a patient's diagnosis (to the patients' diagnosis to to the patient? To the patients' conditions? They aren't responding to the diagnosis--they are responding to the patients).

The doctors in the emergency department have helped me to appreciate that the roll of physician includes more than just diagnosing diseases and prescribing treatments; rather, it embraces the patient's whole well-being, both body and mind.

I too want to become a great physician, and I have strived to implement Osler's teaching into my own practice (I don't like the word "practice" here because it implies a medical practice--something you don't have yet. Substitute something like, experiences, dealings) at SFGH with some success .

This hands-on interaction with patients has imparts


I am not crazy about this sentence. I think you could omit it and maintain better flow. It is a little too visual. I am picturing you in your white lab coat on a hiking trail flipping over rocks. It isn't a bad sentence, but I don't think it adds anything either.

I soon found myself deeply engaged in cancer research . . . this sounds like you stumbled upon the lab by accident. I'd replace "I soon found myself" to something like "I felt at home when deeply engaged . . ."

Berkeley professors, postdoctoral scholars, and undergrads . . . undergrads is too casual in this sentence. Change it to undergraduate students.


Found, again, sounds like you stumbled into the career choice. These verbs could also be a bit more active. In choosing to become a physician, I pursue a career uniting my interests in science and medicine with my passion to help others.

As a n aspiring medical student, I hope to obtain the opportunity to provide health education and medical care to patients and the opportunity to cultivate compassion that establishes friendship at the patient's bedside.


Because all of the other sentences in this paragraph start with independent clauses, I wold vary the sentence structure and start this one in a more straight-forward way. Medical school is the next important stone for me to assiduously and eagerly turn in accomplishing my lifelong aspiration of becoming a physician.

By the way, could you take a look at this bump on the back of my wrist and tell me what you think it is? Just kidding. The doctors I know are always complaining about people seeking a medical opinion in social settings and this was just my lame attempt at humor.

Good luck with it. You have a strong and compelling essay here. If your grades match, you should have no problem garnering admittance.

I grasped tightly onto her scarlet sweater, both eyes bathed in tears, howling and kicking to dodge the four-legged creature

^I still think that by mentioning your grandmother first, as well as having 'grasped tightly', it sounds as if the 'four legged creature' you are trying to dodge is your grandma.

Whilst it is common sense that it it the lizard, your grammar suggests otherwise?
Am I the only one who sees that?

*Chuckle* I see it now! I don't know how to reword it though.

"The absence of adequate medical attention in my early childhood that has promoted and fostered my sympathy for the sick and the poor."

Your previous sentence was technically correct but wordy. "It is" at the beginning of a sentence can most always be cut if the sentence is rephrased. In this case, getting rid of the "it is" necessitates also cutting the "that has." Otherwise the sentence becomes a fragment.

Thank you for all your help! My student profile looks promising: a 38Q on the MCAT, a 4.0 GPA. I only need to polish my personal statement :). This forum is really helpful compared to other forums I posted. Please continue to give me feedback. I will continue revising until tomorrow. Once aganlin, I'm grateful for all of your contributions.

"Only two when my family escaped Vietnam by boat, my parents reluctantly left me behind because I was too sick to endure the perilous journey." Your parents were only two when your family escaped Vietnam? And they'd already had you? It's a miracle of science, or else of misplaced modifiers. Or perhaps that should be dangling modifiers? After my discussion with Simone on another thread, I'd guess it's technically a dangling modifier, but as the subject your modifier should modify is actually in your sentence, I'll go with misplaced modifier anyway -- I like the alliteration inherent in the term, and with "miracle."

haha. I guess i will leave it as it was: "I was only two when my family escaped Vietnam by boat. My parents reluctantly left me behind because I was too sick to endure the perilous journey."

Ack! That was my fault. I told you that there were likely to be dangling modifiers in my future and that I didn't fully grasp the concept. I rewrote the sentence to rid it of weak verbs and left the modifier dangling instead. I *knew* that there was something about the sentence, in its rewritten form, that was making me uncomfortable, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Thanks for taking my hand, Sean, and placing my finger squarely on the issue.

The original sentence was better. There must be a way to enliven the verb, but I can't see the forest for the trees at this point!

Oops. "role of the physician" not "roll of a physician"

Dang! My fault again. I suppose I need to proofread my own advice before posting it. Good catch!

I love the concept of a forum of this nature because different people will pick up on different issues. There really isn't time to peruse and essay and comment (or rewrite in some cases) every little thing, but people are able to pick up on and point out some of the more egregious errors. You certainly don't want an admissions committee to be taken aback by a dangling modifier or the improper form of role/roll.

For introductory clauses, just remember that the modifier always, always, always modifies the noun that comes directly after the comma, whether you intend it to or not.