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Short answer activity--volunteering at nursing home.

Alibaba 1 / 5  
Dec 26, 2009   #1
I've been looking at others' short responses and they seem to be in a story-form. I reserved that for my common app personal essay and my response seems to be just that--an elaboration on an activity. So can anyone give me their opinions on my short answer and does it need to be told in a story? and doesn't it just need to be something that is detailed more and not necessarily a life lesson?

Please elaborate on one of your activities. (150 words or fewer)

I started volunteering at my local nursing home, Sacramento Health Care Center, in the summer of 2006. Working in the Recreations Department has given me the chance to be creative in planning fun events such as exotic cuisine exhibits and comedy sketches. However, I get the most satisfaction out of my work seeing the elderly residents smile whenever I come to visit them. Although the Center has staff working to ensure a homely, cozy atmosphere for the residents, I feel that it is one of my main responsibilities as a volunteer to devote my time and attention to each resident to provide a more intimate relationship. I cherish each relationship I build because they are indicators of my success in securing meaningful memories for me and my new-found companions. Not only does volunteering at the Center give me fulfillment as a contributor to the community, but many of residents are wise elders that I can learn much from based on their experiences.

It is 162 words and so I need to cut down some but I have included all that I want to say. So any suggestions and critiques. Thanks again everyone!
hbrad8002 9 / 20  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
i'm not so sure whether this short response will work.
from my impression, it seems like the first 4 lines of your response is just a laundry list of what you did. You did them does not necessarily mean that you have the passion for them.So it's kinda dry here.

and the flow here could be done better. out of nowhere, you recall the incident. remember that your example/incident should support/illustrate a point. Yet I do not see any point here.

This is just from my point of view. because I got these kinda comments a lot. I made a lot of similar mistakes
OP Alibaba 1 / 5  
Dec 26, 2009   #3
well i was hoping to explain my responsibilities and creativity. and i guess i didn't make it very clear that my recalling referred to when I bring resident out into the courtyard to talk becuz otherwise they would just b sitting in their rooms bored watching tv or spacing out. and i try to explain how i enjoy volunteering there because I can learn so much from the elders there. do u have any other suggestions on how i can make it less dry? I really believed that an elaboration on an activity was just briefly explaining more about what it entails.
snailmonster 1 / 4  
Dec 29, 2009   #4
Perhaps you could include a specific adjective into the essay, one that best describes you. I feel that it would make your essay more clear-cut and makes the essay more structured.

The essay seems more like an anecdote rather than one that describes who YOU are...
umulbaneen 4 / 27  
Dec 29, 2009   #5
also your answer shold be in past tense like
"During the summer, I volunteered at my local nursing home,"

also i agree with the above comments because you seem to be indifferent with the event that took place

try putting in more examples of you involved in the work
OP Alibaba 1 / 5  
Dec 29, 2009   #6
argh, so tired yet in so much pain. I got my wisdom teeth removed today and I am starving! well nothing more worthwhile than doing this.

So hi guys, and thanks for all of your comments. I realize that deadlines are here in like 2 days! So i think this will be my near-final revised draft for the little, tiny, short answer. Don't know why Im feeling so stressed about it but here it is.
umulbaneen 4 / 27  
Dec 31, 2009   #7
ok this wayy better than your last prompt

ok again stick to one tense
e.g "However, I got the most satisfaction out of my..." ( though this sentence is mot correct try rephrasing it)

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