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SHORT ANSWER:Double Bass Am I going on a right direction? and Grammar help


h4ppidais 2 / 7  
Oct 26, 2009   #1
Looking at my planner completely filled with homework and activities, I expect tonight to be tough like those of others. My only escape from this busy life is playing double bass which liberates the strain in my mind. Whenever I get frustrated, I relieve my tension and stress by synchronizing myself with the deep resonating sound that alleviates my stress and accompanies me to my most serene imagination. I sit on my elegant stool, relax my tightened muscles, calm my fatigued mind, and gently close my weary eyes to eventually be consumed by the elixir to my stress. Before long, I am completely immersed in the melody, reaching the blank state that I have so longed. Fortunately, playing double bass provided me the moment where I can relax from arduous tasks and rejuvenate my mind in order to manage my stress adequately to the situation.

Thank you so much for your contribution. I am open to any criticism/comments/suggestions!
By the way, this is exactly 150 words so please help me which ideas are unnecessary and which I need more

Once again, thank you

angie127 12 / 49  
Oct 27, 2009   #2
Just one thing:
I am completely immersed in the melody
awesome essay! you said so much in so little!
i'm struggling with this short response. would you mind looking at it?
mattsaysfierce 3 / 13  
Oct 27, 2009   #3
I think you can find a more suitable word for "mind" than "holistic". I know that you mean "entire", but there are more preferable words. "Asylum" for your mental health? I understand the metaphor, but again, there may be a better one. Asylum suggests to me that your double bass locks up your brain. Maybe a more suitable angle would be that your instrument sets your mind free, free of trouble.

Good essay! You made me want to go lie down and relax, too. Maybe listen to some classical. Nice work.
donfilipe 2 / 4  
Oct 27, 2009   #4
The first couple of sentences were a little uneasy to me. I was apprehensive to where the story was going and how well it would be achieved. Once I passed those first two sentences, though, your writing started to resonate with me, not just your bass.

As for those rough sentences:
"Every day, I observe..."
College essays are meant to represent you. Observe sounds extremely formal. This short answer should be more personal than that.

"...asylum for my mental health."
The wording on this makes my mind stumble, and I am not really quite sure what you're trying to say. Asylums, to me, are not any sort of help. I would suggest some metaphor that at the surface rings true.
OP h4ppidais 2 / 7  
Oct 27, 2009   #5
Thank you so much for those feedbacks!
purl81 1 / 14  
Nov 11, 2009   #6
first suggestion is, try listening to some music as you write. this may make the sentences flow easier, hey, why not some bass! Ok, here are some of this things I noticed.

"Looking at my planner completely filled with homework and activities, I expect tonight to be tough like those of others. My only escape from this busy life is playing double bass which liberates the strain in my mind. Whenever I get frustrated, I relieve my tension and stress by synchronizing myself with the deep resonating sound that alleviates and accompanies me to my most serene imagination . I sit on my elegant stoo l, relax my tightened muscles, calm my fatigued mind, and gently close my weary eyes to eventually be consumed by the elixir to my stress. Before long, I am completely immersed in the melody, reaching the blank state that I have so longed. Fortunately, playing double bass provided me the moment where I can relax from arduous tasks and rejuvenate my mind in order to manage my stress adequately to the situation"

1. "alleviates and accompanies me to my most serene imagination" sounded a little awkward. really like the adjectives, but you could rework the sentence.

2. "elegant stool" stood out as unnecessary. You are talking about the instrument and not the stool, so i think you could take out the adjective. i'm harping on minor things because it's a short answer so prob should be really tight and every word chosen for a reason.

3. "I relieve my tension and stress" and "elixir to my stress" you repeat stress twice close together, might want to shift that around.

4. "Playing double bass provided me" is there a reason why it is in the past tense like "provides me" or "has provided me" and not present?


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