*** I need help shortening this to like 150 words or under and right now it is at 202 words so far.
Directions: Short Answer Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer).
The only work experiences that I have really had is volunteering at Heaven's Heights Personal Care Center. I worked there for volunteer hours, but as I kept working there, it felt less and less like volunteer work. I go there to help the people there as much as they want. I wanted to do whatever I could with a big smile on my face and try to brighten up the patient's days. Helping them write letters, playing games with them, going with them on walks filled me with fulfillment.
I had the pleasure of being under the leadership of Priscilla Obi, an owner of a nursing assistant school. She showed me how to connect with the patients. I learned leadership skills in having to take care of patients and look after them. I had serious responsibility that I learned to handle in my time working there. I was responsible for a portion of their well-being. I can handle such pressure. I adapted to the job; I know I can adapt to any situation. I proved it to myself when I started my volunteer work there. Helping the mentally challenged is fulfilling and I am happy I had the opportunity to do it.
The only work experiences that I have really had is volunteering at Heaven's Heights Personal Care Center . I worked there for volunteer hours, butas I kept working there, it felt less and less like volunteer work. Over the (X amount of time) I volunteered at Heaven's Heights Personal Care Center the hours that I volunteered felt less and less like work. I go there to help the mentally ill. the people there as much as they want. I try to brighten up their day by doing everything with a smile on my face. I wanted to do whatever I could with a big smile on my face and try to brighten up the patient's days. Helping them write letters, playing games with them, going with them on walks was fulfilling .
I had the pleasure of being under the leadership of Priscilla Obi, an owner of a nursing assistant school. She showed me how to connect with the patients. I learned leadership skills by having to take care of and look after patients.I had serious responsibility that I learned to handle in my time working there. Over time I learned to handle major responsibilities and the pressure that goes with them. I was responsible for a portion of their well-being. I can handle such pressure. I adapted to the job; I know I can adapt to any situation. I proved it to myself when I started my volunteer work there. Helping the mentally challenged is fulfilling and I am happy I have the opportunity to do it.
Well I think this is about 152. It's probably a bit daunting to sift through but give it a try.
Here's a rewrite that is 136 words . . . I added a few words that may or may not fit the situation.
I began working at Heaven's Heights Personal Care Center to garner required volunteer hours. Long after my commitment, I continue working there because it brings joy to my life and brightens the patients' day. I help the mentally-challenged residents to write letters, I play games with them, and go on walks. I do whatever is asked of me with a big smile on my face.
Priscilla Obi, the owner of a nursing assistant school, is my mentor and shows me how to connect with the patients. In taking care of the patients and looking after them, I learned leadership and responsibility. Working with developmentally-delayed adults was intimidating at first, but I learned to adapt to various situations and proved my mettle under pressure. Volunteering at the center is rewarding and I am grateful for the opportunity.
Guatama posted while I was doing the rewrite . . . don't take my rewrite as any indication that Guatama's writing needed any improvement-he knows what he's doing!
Here's another rewrite for you, this time down to 115 words, though both of the previous versions are also solid. I'd suggest using the extra room you now have to add more specific details to your essay.
The longer I spent helping the mentally ill at Heaven's Heights Personal Care Center, the less the hours that I volunteered there felt like work. I tried to brighten up their days by helping them write letters, playing games with them, and going with them on walks, all the while maintaining a friendly smile. The Care Center manager, Priscilla Obi, took me under her wing, showing me how to connect with the patients and identify their needs. Over time I learned to handle major responsibilities and the pressure that goes with them, which taught me that I am capable of adapting to any situation. Helping the mentally challenged has proved to be fulfilling and enjoyable.
To make this a real learning experience, compare Gautama and Notoman's versions -- which stay close to your own but omit unneeded sentences and words -- to your original. You can see that they have cut empty words, like "really," and sentences where you repeat yourself. With care, you can learn to edit yourself in the same way, learning to write more concisely and, therefore, more powerfully.
