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Short Answer Response, two stories. Which one to chose?


stimpsimp 6 / 37  
Dec 22, 2008   #1
Prompt:

Short Answer In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).

Choice 1:

The ball is passed inbound by David to his brother Nigel. Nigel then carries the ball up to the three point line. Seeing Ansel in the center, Nigel passes the ball to him. Ansel then turns, shoots and scores the winning basket all under thirty seconds! As a member of the basketball team I had learnt that team work is a crucial part of the game of basketball and the game of life. It helped my team win the practice game and it has helped me, with the help of friends, schoolmates and family, solve problems I had encountered in far less time than I would have by myself. I know highly regard it as important and encourage others to practice teamwork because it makes things easier to do and you become more productive when you work as a team.

Choice 2:

I was only 11 years old when I first walked into that building. Despite my age, I was enthused and ready to learn. I was overwhelmed with joy as my dad ordered a thousand shares in NCB for me. After some paper work it was done. My dad had placed an order and just a few days later he got a call from the broker confirming the deal. This was the first time I had ever owned shares in a company

...

Please tell me which short story you prefer and also if there are ANY errors of any kind in my responses and also please give me ideas on areas in which I need improvement if any but please take into consideration the word limit. Please and Thank You!!!
powergirl - / 3  
Dec 22, 2008   #2
I think that the 2nd story seems more interesting than the first
OP stimpsimp 6 / 37  
Dec 22, 2008   #3
Thank you for your comment powergirl. Any more comments from anyone else?
charliesun 9 / 28  
Dec 22, 2008   #4
I like the second one better, for your working experience is meaningful and influential.
OP stimpsimp 6 / 37  
Dec 22, 2008   #5
Thank you very much charliesun. I think i'll go with your and powergirl's advice and use that one. I prefer it myself. I'll just double check for errors of any kind and use it. Thanks again guys.
OP stimpsimp 6 / 37  
Dec 23, 2008   #6
Well umm its only supposed to be 150 words or fewer and i'm dead on 150 so i cant do anything to it really and i'm just supposed to elaborate on an activity so i cant that would require more space. Thank you so much for the advice. I've decided to use choice 2 since everyone including myself prefers it. Thank you so much for your advice and if this is what I'll be using:

I was only 11 years old when I first walked into Barita Investments Limited. ...
pyroboy 1 / 4  
Dec 23, 2008   #7
I find the second one more..."you" as in, I can identify you better through #2. Your emotions of joy were better reflected in the second compared to the first. And the final draft seems to be compact (y)
OP stimpsimp 6 / 37  
Dec 23, 2008   #8
Thanks. I'm gonna use it. Thank you for your comment.
OP stimpsimp 6 / 37  
Jan 6, 2009   #9
Critique encouraged.. The Ohio State University - Essay One

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!... Please check for any errors of any sort and also you may give advice as to ways in which i can improve the essay. All help is accepted. Please and Thank You in advance.

Prompt:

Consider your talents and strengths, academic and otherwise. What is one thing you do really well?

My Response:

I believe that one thing I really do well is investing on the stock market. I was only 11 years old when I first walked into Barita Investments Limited. Despite my age, I was enthused and ready to learn. I was overwhelmed with joy as my dad ordered a thousand shares in NCB for me. After some paper work it was done. My dad had placed an order and just a few days later he got a call from the broker confirming the deal. This was the first time I had ever owned shares in a company. I was ecstatic. After a year had passed and the price per share had doubled, I decided it was time we sold my shares, so my dad placed the offer. After two weeks, he handed me a check for JMD$14,000. I had made a profit of JMD$7,000!

For years approximately seven years I have been doing this under my father's name. Now that I am 18 years old, I plan to continue trading on the Jamaican stock market however I will do this in my name. I used to pick the stocks and then he would purchase them for me with money I had saved. At times he would contribute but most of my investments were funded by my savings. I say investing in the Jamaican stock market is one of the things I do really well because I have been very profitable in my investments for many years. An added benefit gained from my experience with investing on the stock market is that it has really taught me a lot about finance and economics. It would be my pleasure to practice what I have learnt at Ohio State University.
Linnus 6 / 89  
Jan 6, 2009   #10
I believe that One thing I really do well is investing onin the stock market.

"Despite my age, I was enthused and ready to learn."

The sentences following this sentence doesn't tell the reader how you were "enthused and ready to learn".

This short response has the potential to become a really good short response. I believe you focused a bit too much on the process of your investments, not so much why are you good at investing.

Try to be concise and focus on why are you good at investing and give some examples (which you have done). Why do you think you are so profitable, give the reader a bit more insight.

Good luck!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jan 6, 2009   #11
I just posted a reply to one of your other admissions essays, and the advice I give you there could profitably be applied here, as well.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 7, 2009   #12
My most important advice for you is that you should leave out some of the details about what you have done in the stock market, and leave some room to tell how this relates to your intended major at this school to which you are applying. right now, all you write about how you will apply this knowledge is: It would be my pleasure to practice what I have learnt at Ohio State University. Revise that to say something specific and meaningful.

:)
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jan 7, 2009   #13
Actually, I might go in the opposite direction here, and talk more about what you have done in the stock market, and what you have learned from it. At the moment, you say "I say investing in the Jamaican stock market is one of the things I do really well because I have been very profitable in my investments for many years. An added benefit gained from my experience with investing on the stock market is that it has really taught me a lot about finance and economics." But why have you been able to make a profit? Many mathematicians view investing in the stock market as pure gambling -- that is, they believe that stock price trends cannot be accurately predicted, even by those who study the business plans of the companies in which they invest, and that making or losing money on stocks is therefore merely a matter of random chance. What knowledge did you apply, or what research did you do, that allowed you to do particularly well?
GuruKid 1 / 3  
Jan 7, 2009   #14
"After two weeks, he handed me a check for JMD$14,000. I had made a profit of JMD$7,000!"

Yes I agree I with most that you must explain why you are a good investor becuase the above statement does not prove that you are a good investor. What It may serve to prove is that you got lucky.

As investor myself you must be a have track record of doing well to be considered good at investor. Therefore, I suggest you explain your track record and skills in your essay to prove you are actually a good investor.

Also, you write, "After two weeks, he handed me a check for JMD$14,000". After two weeks of what? Did it take that long for the cash to settle in your account?

In summary, I think you have a great essay coming along but but you must clarify and further explain yourself.

Cheers!
OP stimpsimp 6 / 37  
Jan 11, 2009   #15
Well, wow lots of comments. Thanks to all that contributed. It was much appreciated. I took everyone's ideas and comments into consideration and did some tweaking. Feel free to tell me what you think of this one. How's it doing, any errors and/or how can I improve. Please and Thank You in advance.

My Response:

One thing I really do well is investing in the stock market. I was only 11 years old when I first walked into Barita Investments Limited. It was then that my dad had purchased my first shares in NCB and I was ecstatic. When the share price doubled, we decided to sell my shares and I made a profit of $7,000 JMD.

For approximately seven years I have been trading under my father's name. In the past, I picked the firms in which I was interested and he would purchase shares in them for me with some money I had saved. Now 18 years old, I plan to continue trading on the Jamaican stock market; however, I will now trade under my name. I say investing in the Jamaican stock market is one of the things I do really well because I have been very profitable in my investments for many years.

In order to choose the right company to invest in, a lot of research needs to be done. The firm's trends need to be studied and the reasons for its trends need to be identified. By doing so, the causes of the movements can be identified. This information can then be used to determine why share prices increase or fall and help recognize the indicators of an oncoming change. Trading on the stock market has taught me how to analyze firms to determine trends and analyze the markets in which the firms operate. Among other things, trading on the stock market has given me a basic understanding of analyzing financial systems and their impact on firms and stakeholders.

Trading takes time, skill and patience in order to be profitable. By analyzing the sales trends of several firms, I was able to determine which companies had the highest sales levels, the lowest sales levels and why. This helped me determine the market leaders in sales and profits. In other words, the companies in which I was interested and willing to invest. The decisions also required of me to analyze financial systems and activities in the economy which could have a great impact on the firms in which I was interested. I believe that trading on the stock exchange has helped me develop my analytical skills. The great benefit of this is that I would be able to, if given the opportunity, apply these skills in research and courses such as Trading and Markets and The Stock Market at OSU.

An added benefit is that, combined with studies in Economics in the eleventh and presently the twelfth grade, trading on the stock market has really taught me a lot about markets. How demand on supply affects the economy as a whole and firms in that economy. I have also learnt how to utilize this information to determine trends and what to expect as it regards the prices of shares. This knowledge that I have amassed over the years would greatly assist me in all aspects as I could practice the skills and techniques I have developed in the future and hopefully at The Ohio State University.
OP stimpsimp 6 / 37  
Jan 15, 2009   #16
Could someone help me please?
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jan 16, 2009   #17
You don't seem to need that much help. This essay is really quite strong already. Here are a couple of very minor things:

"By doing so, the causes of the movements can be identified." This sentence is a bit awkward. Better would be "Doing this allows me to identify the reasons behind the movements of various companies in the stock market."

"How demand on supply affects the economy as a whole and firms in that economy." Sentence fragment. Revise.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 16, 2009   #18
Yes, I think it works this way!

Here is an idea for the end:

I have also learnt how to utilize this information to determine trends and what to expect as it regards the prices of shares. This knowledge that I have amassed over the years will empower me in all aspects as I could enhance my skill at The Ohio State University.


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