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'ants and loneliness' - UC personal statement 1


hixtine 4 / 9  
Oct 24, 2011   #1
I'm writing this personal statement for uc-Berkely, LA and San Diego.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

i'm not sure if ants are a good metaphor, and i feel like i should add soemething at the end. suggesstions?

As a child I often played outside, lightheartedly exploring the world. One time, I saw another youngster. He stood in anticipation. One foot was tilted up. The other balanced the rest of the body. There seemed to be an eerily long pause, even though the time span couldn't have lasted more than a second. His eyes fixed upon a tiny, black speck- a small ant. The harmless creature sensed something strange when a misplaced shade loomed over it. The ant looked up. It should have seen the intricate grooves across the sole of a shoe. Instead, all it saw was four bolded letters indicating the brand of the shoe: fear.

I come from a large city called Naperville and subsequently come from a large high school with an enrollment of more than 4000 students. My community, which once only consisted of my mother and father, rapidly expanded. Relatives were added, then playmates, friends, teachers and eventually the 4000 strangers I walk amongst five days a week. As I progressed in my educational journey, formally known as life, my world became larger. My large community paired itself with a more impersonal upbringing. I realized how easy it was to slip in and out unnoticed, how easy it was to feel lonely and, worst of all, meaningless. I was a puny ant staring up at the impending foot of crushing despair. Yet, feeling infinitely little had an infinitely simple answer: voice

I began to observe the interactions of my peers. The goofing off, the lovers' fights, the friendly laughs, and the colloquial conversations reminded me of how much people wanted to be heard. Somehow, the act of shaping lips, opening mouths and moving tongues has become the essence of well being- a way to reaffirm personal value. The conversations around me blended into a buzz...

I recalled a conversation I had with my friend Connie. We were once very close but had drifted apart over the years. I always believed that close friends blessed her. How could she ever feel isolated with her intimate circle of peers? As we conversed, she confided in me how lonely she felt. She needed to voice an intimate, inescapable part of her that was often brushed under the daily round of care-free jokes. She needed someone to listen. She had a voice.

There's something deeply terrifying about being alone. It's not the kind of fear I feel when I watch horror movie, or venture down the basement, or carelessly come within inches of a car accident. I want to study Psychology because, in the future, I want to support people in their time of need. I understand first-hand how scary it feels to be alone, and no one should have to suffer alone.

beccalevesque - / 45  
Oct 24, 2011   #2
Yet, feelingThough I felt infinitely little,I had an infinitely simple answer: voice.

Wow. I think this is really good. I think ants are a perfect metaphore for what you are describing. How small one can feel amongst a crowd of so many other people. The perspective is really interesting.

Perhaps more at the end about psychology to tie together the prompt of "and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
pavanjot 2 / 4  
Oct 30, 2011   #3
I agree with the person above. You seem like a tremendous writer, but you should consider answering the entire prompt
allergic2ya - / 9  
Oct 31, 2011   #4
You have a great start, but you start losing me at the last paragraph. Make sure you fix up the sentence structure of the conclusion paragraph and give more hints that you want to study psychology throughout the essay.
sohab6 2 / 2  
Oct 31, 2011   #5
yea same thing here this is REALLY GOOD you were great at telling your story


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